Feeling Weak

I was totally emotional yesterday and was anxious around the house last night, looking over my shoulder.  Sunday evening, while finally sitting down and relaxing after a productive and "good" weekend, two bats ended up in the house.  I totally freaked and there was a moment of panic when I wondered what in the world I was going to do.  I had to do something but I was totally freaking out.  I don't like bats.  And you can tell me a thousand times how they are good and eat insects and that they are just as freaked out being caught inside the house.  But they are just creepy looking and they fly around so quickly in a confined space and I hate them.

I ended up getting them outside.  They flew back onto the back porch (where I believe they came in from) and stayed there long enough for me to close the back door.  I then went around outside and opened the outside door and they eventually flew out.  Mission accomplished.  But I did not feel victory or strength.  I felt scared and weak.

Afterwards I called Dan to share my story and although I wanted to share how I managed to solve the problem and take care of things, I ended up in tears.  He chatted with me for about an hour--both about bats and also other miscellaneous stuff.  I appreciate him distracting me and getting me to calm down a bit.

Sunday night I did not sleep well.  And yesterday, I was an emotional wreck.  As I spoke with my mother and later with Dan, the tears flowed.  Any strength that I felt I had gathered over the past few months, felt gone.  Any comfort or security I felt being home has been knocked off course.  Our home has always been a refuge.  A place of comfort and joy and safety.  And those darn bats, rocked my foundation.

I try to rationalize the whole bat situation but I know I'm just fooling myself.  I've already called someone who is going to come inspect the house.  I don't believe they are roosting in the house.  They just accidentally got in.  But, once again, my logic is out of kilter.  And it makes me mad, and angry, and very upset that this one thing has thrown me for a loop.  That any strength I thought I had was weak and, at some level, now feels fake.

Am I really this weak person who has just been pretending and when life deals me a situation like bats in the house, I fall to pieces?  How can I expect to keep up with taking care of the house and myself? For I feel weak and alone.  And I'm discouraged at how easily I am knocked off the ladder I have been climbing.  The ladder that is helping me keep my head above water and to breath.  And just like that, I want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed and shut out the world.  But there is no comfort if I did that...I'd have one eye open looking for bats...