Hope

It still amazes me how quickly my emotions can change and how a single event or occurrence can sway them so strongly one way or another.  As you can tell from my previous posts, earlier this week was very difficult.  The whole bat situation threw me for a loop.

As another grieving woman said to me the other day, we're standing on the edge of a perch and the slightest thing can knock us off.  I thought that was a great analogy and very appropriate because that's exactly how it felt.  This one event sent me into a tailspin.  However, now two days later, I'm feeling much better.

My mood did a total 180 after the wildlife inspector left and alleviated my fears by telling me there were no bats roosting in the house or even outside under the shutters.  He explained how the bats probably got in the other day as well as last year.  And he explained what I needed to do to help keep them from getting in again accidentally in the future (which was to buy a chimney cap and keep windows and doors without screens closed).  So not only was his news good but he was very kind and helpful.  And with that, I drove to work feeling much better and although I use this word lightly, I felt "happy".

I had the second meeting of our support group last night and I was surprised to find that I couldn't talk about Ed without tearing up.  I had gotten better at controlling those emotions.  So I attribute that to the residue effects of the last few days.  One of the handouts we received last night was a sheet labeled "Common Reactions to Grief" and they were categorized into four areas--Emotional, Mental, Physical, and Behavioral.  Pretty much all of my reactions fell into the "emotional" category.  I'm not quite sure what this actually means and why I even draw attention to this.  Four months ago, I would not have labeled myself an emotional person.  So I guess it's helps explain why I do seem so emotional and that these irrational mood changes are a normal part of grieving.  I knew this at some level but to see them in print, helps to validate them.  And I like to think that at some point I will get the upper hand with my emotions and learn to once again control them.  And that gives me hope.