Yes, I took the day off from work because I cannot imagine going to work, getting lost in the hustle and bustle of the day and fretting over unimportant things and not taking the time to stop and remember and honor you. And I also know that others fretting over some deadline or pressuring me because they need some piece of critical information could set me off. Because they would not know how unimportant these things really are. That the important thing is the loved ones in your life. But they would not know that today in particular my heart would be aching a bit more than usual and the tears would be so near the edge of my eyes ready to burst at the wrong word or comment. So best not to torture those with some unexpected, crazy widow reaction, and stay home.
And being home, in our home, what we built together, wraps me in comfort and love. The life we built together that I took for granted most days, I now cherish every memory.
I am still not quite sure how I will spend my day. I know I will bring flowers to your grave and sit with you a while. I don't necessarily feel closer to you there, but the grave is your final resting place and I feel a sense of obligation to care for it and watch over it and you.
Dan called last night and we chatted for quite a bit about the day. Just everyday conversation and we don't talk often so it was a nice treat. After we hung up and I went to sit down in your recliner, it was then that it hit me how we were spending our time together two years ago. For although April 22nd is the day you passed, you died around 1:30 AM. So it was the day before that was the last day Dan and I spent with you. And it was the evening of April 21st that Dan and I said our last good-nights to you and came home. We knew the end was near and we struggled in deciding whether to leave the hospital that night.
And it dawned on me that the day of April 22nd, two years ago, was about making phone calls and arrangements. We were busy once again with "to do" lists and needing to get things done. But it was the night before, the evening of April 21st, that were our last moments together. I called Dan back last night and we shared memories of those last days and that last evening. We shared what we remembered and we talked like we did that same evening two years ago. And last night, Dan was there to support me, to allow me to cry and be sad, just like you asked him to do two years ago.
You always wondered if he ever really listened to you when you tried to teach him or coach him. You know, that "in one ear, out the other". Well, I can't speak to all those years throughout his childhood, but I can tell you he did listen and remember what you had to say those last days of your life. He has been there to support me and be my rock and I know I am blessed to have him. He is your legacy and I am forever grateful that you live on in him.
I love you Ed and miss you with all my heart every day but I do pause and remember you in particular on this sadiversary.
No comments:
Post a Comment