Another September and Melancholy Feelings

For whatever reason, the arrival of September has once again been difficult.  I'm not quite sure why and as some of my closest wid friends point out, there doesn't have to be a reason, it just is.

I had two wonderful and relaxing weeks of vacation at the beach.  Some people ask if two weeks was too much?  I tell them "nope".  It was so nice not to be on any timetable or constantly have a "to do" list.  The weather was sunny and hot--in fact some days way too hot--so a lot of time was spent on the beach or in the water.  I brought several books with me to read...I think I read a total of 100 pages.  Most time was spent just doing nothing....watching the waves go in and out, soaking in the sunshine on my face, chatting with family and friends, walking along the shore without any destination.  Mornings were relaxing, enjoying a cup of coffee at a leisurely pace.  Evenings were spent playing cards, walking on the beach, spending time with friends.

But that is why it is called a "vacation"...it is not reality.  So soon I was back to reality--doing laundry, mowing, paying bills, and getting back to work.  And feelings of restlessness returned as well and tears would fill my eyes and sadness would fill my heart at unexpected moments.

September does cause me to be melancholy.  It was always one of my favorite times of year.  Approaching birthday celebrations for me and Ed, fall fairs (Belchertown and the Big E!), pumpkin picking and corn mazes, and the changing of the season with cooler nights and looking forward to fall foliage.  Now it's just another reminder that life is continuing on and the seasons change and time marches forward.  The happy times of fall are now replaced with birthdays spent alone, the burden of cleaning up fallen leaves, and preparing for what might be another dreaded harsh winter.  I'm guessing since September is also post-vacation, this time of year is also now a reminder of returning to the reality of my life and it makes me question and fear what my life is and will be.

But as I write this post and capture the feelings of the past week, I am happy to report that this weekend has been a good one.  Part of that is because Dan is home which always makes me happy (the sadness only comes when he leaves again).  But for today, I'm appreciating the bright blue sky and shining sun.  The crispness of the cool morning air.  Enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee with no rush to be anywhere.  I'm still lost on this journey, not quite sure where I'm supposed to be heading and what course I'm supposed to be chartering.  But for today, I'll just enjoy and be in the moment.  For those who have experienced such great lost, this is hard to do.  We know life is precious and it can change in a moment, so don't waste a minute is our thinking.  So living in the moment can be difficult.  But for now, I'll try to do that since the unknown future is too daunting and unsettling.

Some pics from vacation...

Me and Dan

Dan and "the girls".  They have so much fun together!

Yes, we do take up a lot of room on the beach.  This entire crew is us.

We did leave the beach once for a private tour by a friend of mine who owns the local chocolate factory--Hauser Chocolatier.  We are all quite fashionable in our hair nets!