Yesterday I attended the baptism of a friend's new granddaughter. And another friend was there with her grand kids. It was a "nice" day and a beautiful celebration. But there were moments when my heart ached as I looked at their happy families. My friends have their husbands and now together they are celebrating being grandparents. And it hurts that Ed and I will never share this. That Ed will never know this joy and I will never be able to share it with him. Do they know how lucky they are? But I kept my hurt and heartache buried, because that's what you do. You don't want to ruin their
special day. And it was a nice day and the baby was beautiful and everyone had a good time. So I can enjoy myself and smile on the outside while deep down my heart is aching and filled with sadness.
Today is April 19th...I hate April 19th. First, it's my brother Michael's birthday. He would have been 54 this year but he will be forever 51, passing just shy of his 52nd birthday. I am now older than my big brother. It's not supposed to be this way. And it makes me sad because I also know this day, in particular, is hard for my mother. For only those who have lost someone so close to them, who you lived with every day, can understand. A day does not go by that you don't remember and miss them. But on these milestone days, the hurt and ache is just that much more. So I wish I could ease my mother's pain today as well but I know I can't. What I can do instead is remember and honor my brother and speak his name.
It was also two years ago, on April 19th, when I officially signed Ed onto hospice. We did it together, but I signed the paperwork. The day we raised the white surrender flag. On that same day, Dan was held up in his apartment while the area where he lived was in lock down as they hunted down the Boston Marathon bombing suspect. Dan would be delayed in coming home that weekend. And I remember praying that Ed would not pass on Mike's birthday...it was already a painful day. Little did I know that this just prolonged the grieving--each milestone just repeats the pain. Maybe it would have been better to be on the same day, like pulling the band-aid off, just get all your grieving over in one day.
But Ed had to wait for Dan to come home one more time. And he did. Dan came home on the 20th and less than two days later Ed passed. Over the past two years I've also learned that the grieving doesn't go away. You have these milestones such as Michael's birthday, when you do need to stop and honor the person. On all the other days of the year, you instead say a little prayer as you start your day and remember them in small ways as you go about your day. Because you never forget and the grief never goes away. You just learn how to live with it...
 |
| Happy Birthday Mike! |
No comments:
Post a Comment