Fluttering

There are about a half dozen bluebirds outside my window right now.  They caught my attention as I was making my list of all the things I need to get done today.  They caused me to stop and just watch them for  a few moments and enjoy them fluttering around.  It was good to hit the pause button and see the beauty around me.

The last few days have been hard.  I celebrated my birthday a few days ago.  I took the day off of work and planned a day trip with my mother and aunt.  I figured that was better than staying home and doing chores.  The day itself was nice and I received numerous birthday greetings from friends near and far.  But as the sun set and I arrived home at the end of the day, the lonesomeness enveloped me and sadness engulfed me as I was reminded of the birthdays celebrated with Ed.  I was reminded how he always made the day special for me, and not necessarily in big ways.  But in small ways--a bouquet of flowers, a bag of chocolate to stash in my desk at work, a meal of some of my favorite things cooked by him.

I reminded myself that I am now responsible for my own happiness and if I want to celebrate my birthday in a special way, it is now up to me to do so.  So I did buy myself some flowers and they sit on the table looking lovely, but they are lonely flowers--flowers without any special meaning or love behind them.

I know life could be worse.  A fellow Wid I met through a bereavement group is battling pancreatic cancer.  His battle is to get as many more days out of this life as possible.  He knows he's terminal.  So really, what do I have to complain about or be sad about?  But his illness and battle add to my sadness as, once again, we are reminded how precious life is and also how unfair it can be.

I long for the days of innocence that existed not that long ago.  To the happy life I lived where tears rarely flowed and sadness really didn't exist.  For those of you who still have your loved ones or who are not battling an illness within your immediate family, take the time today to stop and appreciate them.  Just as I sit and watch the fluttering of birds outside my window; stop and enjoy what your kids may be up to, what your spouse is doing at the moment.  That your home is filled with love and family and companionship.

For those who are on the same boat as me, I send you love and peace.  Take a moment today to stop and find some peace it the beauty around you--the fall leaves, the fluttering birds.  And breath deep and know I'm thinking of you...