Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Let's Play Make Believe

Sometimes the waves of grief just hit you...when you least expect it.  The tears come and the hurt is back just like it was in those early days.  How can you really be gone?  You were real.  Our love was real.  Our laughter and happiness together was real.  But how can it be gone?  How can you be gone?

I feel as though I'm acting in this imaginary life of mine.  I go about my day doing work, running errands, maintaining relationships, taking care of everything...a pretend life where I think I've got it all together.  I have a checklist that I work through to make sure I get everything I need to do done.  But it's like a game.  If I can keep it up and keep all the balls in the air and if I don't stop, maybe I won't remember what I've lost and I can avoid the pain that lies dormant just beneath the surface.

But then there are moments, like tonight, when a song releases the floodgates and the waves of grief are washing me away again.  And it hurts that you are not here.  And it hurts that I'm living this pretend life without you.  And I grieve for the loss of you and the life we had and the happiness that I took for granted.

I wonder if you're watching over me and what you are thinking?  What did you think in those last moments of your life?  Were you scared?  Were you grieving the loss of me?  I can only hope that peace overtook you and so the hurt and pain that I'm feeling, you did not.

Some days I pretend and hope that maybe I'll find happiness again.  Like I'm living in some fantasy where everything will turn out okay.  But that's not reality.  The reality is that you are not here and I miss you.  I miss what we had together.  I miss that you loved me.  I miss how happy I was with you.

What is this life I'm living?  Who is this person?  Tonight I stopped for a moment, just to listen to a song...  Big mistake because grief caught up to me while I sat idle and dragged me down once again...


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My Story

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