It's a strange trip I'm on...

Life continues at a fast pace that I find hard to keep up with at times.  Time continues to pass way too quickly.  How did we end up at the end of June?  Wasn't it just May?  What happened to the winter when I had plans to complete so many projects?  Well, I know what happened to the winter.  And somehow spring turned immediately into summer.  The weather has admittedly been weird and I find myself wearing sweats one day and shorts the next.  Spring and summer all mixed up into one.

The days continue and I find the points of missing Ed and being "sad" fewer.  I contribute part of this to the fact that I feel life is just so crazy--just not enough time to miss him.  At other times, I'm sadden that days can go by without missing him.  I guess I'm moving on which supposedly, I'm told, is a good thing.  But even as I realize that, I feel my eyes dampening because there's always an underlying fear of forgetting--forgetting him, his voice, his touch, his love.  The rational side of me knows this will never happen, but grief is not always rational.

But yes life is busy.  Work continues to be busy, never feeling like I'm on top of things and I have come to grips with the fact that this is now the new normal.  I do have times when I do get too stressed out about feeling behind at work and at home, but I'm working hard to try to let certain things go.

There is yard work that I wish I had done already, but I'm learning to accept the fact that not everything must get done.  If the flower bed is not perfectly weeded or the lawn ornaments or furniture is not all out, it will not be the end of the world.

The kitchen renovation is moving along and we are getting closer to being done.  I know once that is complete, I can return some order to my physical space as well.  I'm thinking that will help with not only my physical chaos but also the accompanying mental chaos....at least that's what I'm telling myself!!

I'm learning that spending time with family and friends and finding ways to fit time in with them is more important than having a perfectly groomed lawn or clean house.  This past weekend I had nothing on my calendar so I was planning a long list of "to do's" around the house.  But at the last minute, I ended up heading to RI to visit a friend.  That spontaneous trip ended up eating up half my weekend, and guess what?  The world did not end because I didn't get everything else done on my list.

And I know I've said this before, but it's a reminder that when Ed was here, he was my best friend and it was easy to maintain that relationship--we lived together and saw each other every day!  But now that he is gone, I need to devote time to maintaining the new friendships I've made these past two years.  For these friends have become my support network and and an important part of my life.

It is still difficult for me to say "life is good" in general.  But there are certainly "good" times and I can recognize these and be thankful for them.  I'm still trying to navigate each day and figure out what the next chapter of my life is supposed to be.

June 16th would have been mine and Ed's 31st wedding anniversary and the day came and went without too much emotion.  Yes, I paused and remembered and had fond memories of our wedding day and the fun we had sharing the day with family and friends.  But I did not take the day off from work so I was distracted with a typical workday.  I had a doctor's appointment and met a friend for dinner.  So yes, life is moving on and I'm learning to move with it.

I know I miss companionship and that special someone who thinks of you when they wake in the morning and before they go to bed at night.  Someone who cares where I am and what I'm doing and how I'm feeling.  Someone to share special moments with and who can lift me up when I'm down.  Will I ever have that again?  I don't know.  Part of me is open to the idea.  Part of me also knows I was blessed to have had that for 31 years with Ed when some people never have that.  And part of me is also learning how to appreciate my "alone" time and independently making decisions.

So I don't have all the answers yet and there are days when I struggle more than others to navigate this life of mine.  But I'm appreciating my job (even when it's stressful) because it affords me the life I'm living and I'm doing okay financially even without having Ed's income.  I'm appreciating my family and friends and the different ways they fit into my life.  And I appreciate my home and the long list of "to do's" that comes with it because I'm being responsible and caring for our family home.

Yes, I still miss Ed tremendously and not a day goes by when I don't think of him because I do start and end each day telling him I still miss and love him.  But I do find that I can move through my day and begin to enjoy life without simultaneously grieving him.

And this strange trip called life that I'm on continues...