I miss that you were not with me when I went to Niagara Falls with my mother and sisters. I know you are happy that I'm doing things and seeing new things but I still want to do these things with you and share these special moments and times with you. Instead the photos are of me, alone, and the small moments when I want to turn to you and comment, I have to do so in silence.
I miss that you are not here to take care of me while I've had this rotten cold for two weeks. If you were here, I'd come home to a nice cooked meal and would be able to just rest while you took care of me. I cooked my own meals and cared for myself. It wasn't much, but I survived even though I didn't like it.
I miss that you weren't here to deal with the power surge that fried all the surge protectors in the house. I wonder if you were here if we would have called the fire department. I did because I wanted to be sure nothing was smoldering in the walls. In all the years we lived here, though, nothing like this happened. Why does it have to happen now that you are not here and I need to deal with it alone? I know you would be proud that I did deal with it though.
I miss that you weren't here to help move Dan to his new apartment. I know you are proud that we were able to do it ourselves. The last time, you were here to lead us. I remember you arranging for the rental truck and driving that out to Dan's new apartment while I followed in my car. This time, Dan dealt with the rental truck and I followed him. Thankfully his two good friends helped us move so they helped with the heavy lifting that you did last time. I spent the night and Dan and I unpacked things together. I know you would be proud that we made the move happen and that it makes you smile that your son takes such good care of his mother. He did listen to you that last day.
I miss that you aren't here to see how lovely the yard looks and that I'm taking good care of it since you've been gone. I did all the leaf pickup yesterday by myself. How I miss when we used to do it together. I hope you see this and smile that I'm taking care of the yard that used to be your thing. I just wish we could be doing it together like we used to....sharing the burden.
I cleaned up wires behind the TV yesterday too. I'm quite sure if you were here, that would have not happened. Electronics were your thing and I wouldn't touch them. Of course, if you were here, you would have already gotten me a new laptop to replace the one that died over a month ago.
The bulb in the bathroom burned out the other day. I went to replace it and noticed the blue paint on it. Blue paint from the last time you painted the bathroom. And it was then that I realized that bulb has survived more than 4 years...it was from "before". As I threw out that bulb, I felt like another part of you was leaving this house. A stupid bulb but a bulb that you touched and that has outlived you.
Yesterday as I put away the laundry, I organized your sock drawer. Socks that I have kept to wear when working in the yard. No woman needs so many socks, but I can't part with them. As I organized the drawer, I found your old wallets. Ones that you kept in the back of the drawer and I have kept them there. I looked through them yesterday...old credit cards, health insurance cards, and little scraps of paper with notes or phone numbers in your handwriting. The photo of you on the BJ's membership card caused me to pause and I pondered how could you really be gone. How can a person exist one moment, living life in such a normal way as needing a BJ's card, and then that life is gone, as if they never existed. And I pondered the meaning of life as I tucked those wallets back into the drawer. They were a part of you that I cannot let go.
God I miss you. I wish we had more days and times to spend together. I've learned how much I hate this life without you and I've learned how I can do things on my own, without you. Can you come back now? I've learned my lesson. I've learned to cherish each day and the menial tasks we did together, the banter at the end of the day, the labor we shared... I know you are proud that I'm figuring things out. I've learned so much but now I just want you back. I do not want to go through the rest of my life alone.
God I miss you...
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