Five Birthdays Without You and Solitaire

Yesterday I "celebrated" my fifth birthday without you. It is difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that it's been almost 4.5 yrs; even harder to believe I've had 5 birthdays since you were here.

Five birthdays where you weren't here to recognize the day in some special way. You always made me feel special. At some level, you've done me a disservice because now that you are not here to do this, I'm disappointed more times than not.

I recall how you always had flowers for me. You would have them delivered to work and when I told you to stop spending the money to have them delivered, you would delivery them personally instead. We would always do something together whether it was a simple dinner at home or taking a day trip together. It didn't have to be big, it was just time together.  Gifts were not extravagant but simple gestures of the simple things I enjoy such as a favorite candy or chocolate.

The first birthday you were gone, Dan sent me flowers at work. He is such a good son and he tries hard to make my day special. This is not an easy feat for someone who doesn't see the big deal about birthdays. Last year was a miserable birthday. Plans to spend time with Dan and friends totally fell through due to the weather and I ended up spending the entire weekend home alone...miserable and disappointed.

I wasn't going to let that happen this year. There once again were plans to spend the day with Dan and friends. A group of 11 of us were going hiking...I was so looking forward to it. But the other half of our group had to cancel unexpectedly. Thankfully Dan, Nate and I still went hiking. It rained the entire time...but I could tell Dan was not going to allow me to spend the day alone. So we went hiking. He bought me a small cake with plans to light the candles at the summit of the mountain. Instead he did it in the rain under the hatchback of the car and him and Nate sang Happy Birthday to me.  I was so touched.  We then topped the day off by having lunch together in a quaint restaurant in NH.

I went home that evening smiling and being ever so thankful for having Dan in my life. I wish you were here to see how great Dan has been to me. I am so lucky and blessed to have him in my life and you would be so proud at what a fine man he has grown into. If it wasn't for him, I don't know if I could go on.

These last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I can't put my finger on specifically why and I guess it really doesn't matter. I wish you were here to talk through it with me though. There are times when I feel so alone in this world, a feeling I never experienced because you were always at my side. I feel like a stranger in my own life. There is no one to talk to, to confide my deepest feelings to. I fear that my future will be as empty as my life feels today. I try to put myself out there and do things, but although there are smiles, there is not happiness.

Dan made me happy yesterday and for that I'm thankful.

People tell me how lucky I am and that I have a good life. I know, in my head, that I am lucky to have family and friends, a roof over my head, a good job, food on my table, etc.  But my heart is empty.

I've taken to playing Solitaire lately. The irony does not escape me...

Off on our hike in the rain. I love this kid more than life itself.

Just the thought makes me smile! :)