Four Years Ago Today

Yes, today officially marks the 4th anniversary of your death. You passed at about 1:30 AM, so it was the evening of April 21st, 4 years ago, that we were last together. Last night as I recalled the details of that day and evening 4 years ago so vividly, that is what brought tears to my eyes. It was not a good day for you. You were in pain and so we increased your medication and you slept most of the day. I recall how I pushed the button on your PCA pump before I left that evening because you could no longer do it. I remember Dan and I sitting with you, one of us on each side of your hospital bed. I held your hand all day. I hummed music I think to calm me more than you, and I prayed. I prayed that God would end your pain and suffering. And I recall so vividly the difficult decision Dan and I had to make on whether to spend the night with you or go home as we usually did. At the time, the doctors said it could be another day or two. So we decided to leave because I know, beyond any doubt, that this is what you would have told us to do. "Go home. Get some sleep. I'll be fine". It still hurts so much that I made that decision to leave. If I had known that evening was going to be your last, I would have stayed at your side. But I didn't know and I try to forgive myself knowing that I was there by your side every day for the 26 days you were in the hospital and the 31 years we were together.

April 22, 2013 was about making phone calls and making arrangements. After getting the call from the hospital that you had passed, Dan and I drove over to see you one last time. I don't know why, but it was something I felt I needed to do. Maybe to confirm for myself? They had disconnected your IVs and cleaned up things in your room. I remember getting mad that they threw out your lip balm (and Dan laughed at me). It felt so strange leaving you there. When we got home, we called Beers&Story. What you didn't know was that I had already called them the week before to inquire about arrangements, so I knew it was okay to call them at whatever ridiculous time it was. Dan and I met with them later that day to make your funeral arrangements and pick out your casket. As I recall this, I know you would have been so proud of Dan as he helped me make these decisions, all in your honor.

I know the Saturday before you passed, you had a private conversation with Dan after I left. I still to this day cannot figure out how you knew this would be so hard on me. I was convinced I would be "okay". I was strong and I was someone who got things done. I was not an overly emotional person and I rarely broke down in tears. But somehow you knew this would rock me to my core. And you told Dan he needed to be there for me and he has, every single day since you passed. We did so good raising such a wonderful son and I am blessed to have him in my life. I thank God for him every day.

I cry now remembering the pain and sadness of your last days. I cry for the future that has been taken from us. I cry that Dan does not have his father here. I cry that I don't have my best friend.

But Dan and I are learning to carry on. Somehow we've survived 4 years. I really do think you would be proud of us. We've taken care of things around the house, we've enjoyed time together just hanging out or going on vacation, we've taken care of each other. We have found moments of joy and laughter to share. We keep your memory alive and we carry you in our hearts forever.

There are days I get very angry that you are gone, that my future happiness has been ripped from my hands. I'm trying to let go of that anger. I'm trying to enjoy the day, the moments, the people in my life. You learned how to do that. Having cancer for 3 years, you made sure to live those 3 years. The pictures around the house of trips we took and things we did together, both make me smile because we spent time together laughing and enjoying moments together but it also hurts because I no longer have you to continue to laugh and share things with.

Today I will try to let go of the anger and instead remember you and all the love we shared. My plan for today is to do some yard work. Being busy is good.  And I will watch the family of red foxes that have made a den in the back yard. The kits will run around and play and just the thought of them makes me smile.  Yesterday, as I watched them, three cardinals flew by and landed in the tree above them.  Two males and one female.  And I stood and watched it all...the cardinals singing in the trees and the kits playing down below.

And I thanked God and you for these gifts of nature for it all brought me peace and helped me simply pause and enjoy the moment...

...and smile.

Me and Dan at Easter. My rock...