Sometimes Nice Days Don't Last

I've been dreading this time of year. The time when by brother Michael passed to start the downfall of my life. Ed passed just over a month later and then my brother-in-law about a month after that. The avalanche of loss, all at one time, still overwhelms me.

Today, this moment, is one of them. I've been trudging through the past few weeks occasionally replaying every moment of the days 4 years ago, leading to Ed's death. Most days, I've been successful at pushing these thoughts down or the demands and activities of day-to-day life have kept me distracted from focusing on them.

But the 22nd is approaching. Like a freight train coming down the tracks and I can't get out of it's way.

The lump in my throat right now, I can't explain. My day started out well enough. I had a very nice lunch with a very dear friend, who I consider one of my closest friends. He may not realize that, but he's one of the few I can totally be myself with. The sometimes quirky, sometimes silly, sarcastic, over thinker that I am. Someone I don't need to pretend I'm something I'm not.  So it was a nice day.

I came home and got some things done around the house including putting out some Easter decorations. Part of me wonders why because I'll just be putting them away in two weeks, but I like them, especially the small stuffed bunnies on the stairs.

So it's been a good day. But then, suddenly, a wave of sadness falls over me. My heart aches, the lump in my throat is there, and now tears dampen my eyes. I try to figure out why? It's the fear of my future. A future lacking in love and full of loneliness. That is what I'm tearing up about. Ed is supposed to be here, loving me. Buying me my traditional Easter flowers and candy. Instead, if I want these, I need to go out and get them myself. And when I'm the strong, independent woman that I hate having to be, I will get them for myself. I don't rely on others for my happiness. And I hate that. I hate having to always be strong. Always pretending I'm okay and "life is good". Life can really suck sometimes.

I hate that grief can still creep up on me and ruin what was a perfectly good day. And so I will let the tears fall and I will sit here and sob, alone. With no one to comfort me. And it will pass. It always does. But that doesn't mean it gets any easier.

I want someone to love me. I want someone to care about me. I don't want to be alone until I die. I don't want to die alone. Damn Ed for dying on me. We were supposed to grow old together. Damn him for leaving me....alone and sad.  I feel like I've become this sad, old woman. No wonder no one loves or want me.

Thankfully tomorrow is a new day....