The Old Lady

The following is an excerpt from a post from "Second Firsts". I couldn't have said this better and it exactly captures how I feel and what I struggle with.  Read and you'll understand...

The OLD LADY
I first saw her in 2013 after my husband died.
She was around 85 years old, grey hair.
Sitting on a rocking chair.
And she was alone.
She was sad.
And she was waiting to die.
I would go visit her at least 20 times a day.
She would look at me and tell me how sad she was.
She would cry every time I visited.
She was always wearing her night gown.
I wondered if she ever did anything else but sit there.
But she never did.
...
You see the woman was a figment of my imagination.
She was the child of fear.
The mother of insanity.
The sister of grief.
When my husband died I grieved my future more than I grieved my present.
And the more I worried about the future the more I would visit the old lady.
The old lady was me many years from now, alone without any love or companionship in my life.
She was created by me.
So that I could believe my fears.
So I could find the proof that what I am afraid of, is real.
THE MIND LOOKS FOR THE PROOF AND IF IT CAN’T FIND IT, IT CREATES IT.
So the mind made it real.
I know that every single person on this earth time travels to the future to a future self that is their worst fear.
How do we stop the visits?
HOW DO WE END THE INSANITY OF GRIEF?
How do we prevent retelling the fictional story to ourselves.


I realize I need to stop visiting this old woman. I do it less often, but I still do it. I know I need to enjoy the moment, appreciate and enjoy each day. I know I need to go do things I enjoy with people who make me smile and laugh. And maybe, if I'm blessed, in the process I will find love again.

But regardless, I know when I am that old woman, sitting on the porch, I want to look back at my life and know I lived it to the fullest. That I loved others and they loved me and that my life, although marred by grief and sadness along the way, overall was a happy life, a life I enjoyed and lived to the fullest.