Damn Tears

I'm glad I captured the past weekend because come Monday evening I was a mess of emotions again.  Not for any particular reason.  Just because.  Part of it, I realize, is that as much as I'm proud of all I'm accomplishing, it upsets me that I even need to doing this juggling act.  That this life that has now been forced upon me is not what I wanted or asked for.  And it saddens me.  Deep down inside, I don't want to be this woman who is somehow managing.  I want to be that woman who can collapse into a ball of tears and have my husband comfort me and pick me back up again.  But instead I have my family that tries to pick me back up again and that just makes me sadder because I've never had to rely on them or anyone other than Ed.  Any emotional upsets I've had in the past were private...between me and Ed or Dan and kept within our home, not for the world to see.

But now, here I am, posting on a public blog what a mess I am.  Okay, so I'm not a total mess.  But I do have my moments.  And, yes, they are becoming fewer with more time in between.  And as I look back over the past several months, I can recognize that I am learning to cope better.  That my routines without my life partner are becoming more "normal" (whatever "normal" means).  I haven't found my rhythm yet and my life is not as settled as I would like it to be.  But I'm giving myself that proverbial year.  In the meantime, I just continue to march on.

The cemetery box I got for Ed's grave.  He loved the smell of fresh pine.