8 Months

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  The last few weeks have been busy with work and getting ready for Christmas.

On Sunday, December 8th, I traveled to Tallahassee for a business meeting.  All day Sunday was spent traveling there.  We then had a 2-day meeting and then Tuesday evening I flew back, getting home around 1:30 am.  Once the business trip was over, I could then focus on getting ready for Christmas.  I find I continue to just move through life.  I work, I come home.  I have things on the calendar and an ongoing "to do" list.  Busy, busy, busy...

Tomorrow marks 8 months since Ed passed.  And this busy-ness has kept me moving through each day.  And I hate that somehow I've survived 8 months without him. How can that be?  The pain is still so raw and deep that I find it hard to believe it's been 8 months.  Everyone tells you "it's takes a year".  Well, I think they're wrong.  I think it takes a lifetime because I don't know how I made it through 8 months and I don't see anything magically changing in the next few.

But the holidays are here and we're supposed to be happy and joyous and all that other crap!  Yes, there are days when I feel like crap and wish I were a bear and could just go hibernate for winter.  But I can't.  I have a home to take care of.  I have a job.  I have a family.  I have responsibilities and so I must get up every day and I must plug away at my never ending "to do" list.

There are some bright and dare I say, happy, moments.

Dan came home last weekend and I am once again reminded how blessed I am having him in my life.  He took his father's words to take care of me seriously and I know his father is very proud of him.  If it wasn't for Dan, I don't even want to think about where I'd be right now.  So everyday I thank God for him and know that Ed lives on in particular through Dan.

Last weekend Dan and I also put up the tree together and as I turn on the lights each day, it makes me smile. In all our years together, Ed always got a fresh tree and took care of trimming it and putting the lights on it and then I would help decorate it.  He loved the smell of a fresh tree and didn't want anything else--until last year.  Last year, he decided to get a pre-lit artificial tree.  And that made putting up the tree this year so much easier.  I often wonder why he decided last year to finally get an artificial tree.  Part of it I know was because of the cost of a fresh tree but I also know part of it was because he was tired and he didn't have the energy to get a fresh tree.  I wonder if part of him also knew it to make my life easier.

The other thing he did to make my life easier was to buy a new snow blower last year.  I used it last weekend when we got about 6-8" of snow.  Dan was home and offered to clear the driveway for me, but I needed to learn to do this and so while I used the snow blower on the driveway, Dan shoveled the decks.  Tuesday we got more snow and I was out there again with the snow blower clearing the driveway.  I think I've mastered this, so I don't mind if there's no more snow this winter!  How I've always loved snow.  Of course, that was because Ed did all the cleanup!

This past week I also finished decorating the house for Christmas.  Each decoration brought back memories--those that Ed and I bought when we were first together; those we bought over the years; those Ed made.  One decoration I could not find was our mistletoe.  It was a pathetic, plastic thing that we've had since when we were first together.  I know last year we talked about getting a new one...a nicer one.  And this year, as I unpacked our decorations, I could not find that pathetic mistletoe.  We must have gotten rid of it thinking we'd get a new one.  But we never did get a new one, and how I miss that stupid plastic decoration now.  I know I could go out and buy a new one, but the idea of mistletoe and kissing your loved one under it, has lost it's appeal for me.

And it is these small moments in time, that bring the tears back.  I know everyone tells you how difficult the holidays are. But reality is, they are not much harder than any other day.  What makes them a bit more difficult is that everyone expects you to be happy and joyous.  It's Christmas after all!

There are moments of brightness in my life.  The potluck dinner with those I met through the bereavement support group.  Or a night together with my new friends in the "The Supper Club".  Or the cards I get in the mail from those thinking of me and Dan, especially those from Ed's friends who haven't forgotten me even though Ed is not here.  And I even get some pleasure watching the traditional Hallmark movies on TV, although this year they all seem to involve widows (I know that's not true, but it seems it).

We're not changing much with Christmas this year, although I understand I have a "pass" if there is something I don't want to do.  But we will go to our in-laws and my family as we've done every year.  I guess this is a good thing because I don't need to figure out what I'm doing.  These traditions will fill my time and days.  But I know Christmas morning the void will be huge.

Already, as Dan and I have put gifts under the tree, I realize there are fewer of them. There are none for Ed and there are none from Ed.  And the emptiness under the tree matches the emptiness in my heart.  How he loved to surprise me and his gifts were so thoughtful.  He truly spoiled me and made me feel so special.  (He also never allowed us to put gifts under the tree before Christmas, so that is one tradition Dan and I have changed!)

Tomorrow will be 8 months since Ed passed.  Another mark in time.  It breaks my heart that somehow I've managed without Ed for 8 months--how can that be?  That time has passed so quickly.  It feels like just yesterday and the pain is still here and I still miss him tremendously. December 8th marked 24 years since my father passed.  How in the world has my mother gone on for 24 years without him?  I cannot fathom it, not now at least.

Tallahassee, FL

Clearing the driveway

All done!

An animated GIF that Dan made.  Makes me laugh...