A Light in the Darkness

I woke up this morning and was ready to go.  I have a lot of things to get done and as I made the bed there were two things I realized:  1) I was humming a Christmas tune and 2) that I should never update my blog at night.  I find that it is the quiet and darkness of the evenings that are more difficult for me.  You never hear about me crying as I awake in the morning; but the crying is often as I lay my head to rest.

Last night I was a mess and I wondered whether writing this blog was only making matters worse.  That I was recalling my feelings and getting myself all upset and should I consider taking a break.

But I realize that this blog, as much as it is a way to share with all of you, it is also my diary.  I go back often and re-read old entries--what was going on in my life? How was I feeling? What were Ed and I doing a year ago, two years ago?

So this morning as I dressed in Ed's Eagles pants and shirt (they're playing tonight and although I'm not a huge football fan, I will always root for Ed's Eagles) and hum Christmas tunes, I thought I'd write another quick message on my blog to share my joyful mood (for a change) and also share two specific stories since last night.

The first is that last night, at some point, I woke up and found the candle in the bedroom window was on.  Now I turn the candles off every evening before I go to bed and I know this candle was off because otherwise it would light up the room.  Now the practical side of me could say that I simply did not loosen the bulb enough (since I just twist the bulb and don't bother unplugging it).  However, I would rather like to think it was Ed sending me a sign that he was there.  And there's no harm in believing that.  In fact, the other day, I came downstairs to find a candle in the living room window on.  I just told myself I forgot to shut it off.  But now I wonder...  And why not believe that?  It does no harm to anyone and brings me some level of comfort.  And this is faith I guess.  You can either explain away everything that happens or just have faith that someone is watching out for you.  I used to believe it was God or my guardian angel or whatever you might believe.  Now I'd rather believe it's Ed.

The second thing I wanted to share brought tears to my eyes.  I made my cup of coffee and sat down to read the church bulletin from yesterday and there I was surprised to find that the 10AM Mass on Christmas Day will be said for Ed.  It doesn't indicate who requested it and (no one would be surprised by this), I have a complete list of all Mass intentions that people gave when Ed passed.  Christmas Day is not on the list.  And how did Ed rate to get Christmas Day?  As with many parishes, it is difficult to get a Mass Intention because they fill up so quickly so sometimes you are waiting a year for a weekend or Holy Day Mass.  I am just so touched and it brings tears to my eyes (no surprise there).  What a beautiful gift for Ed to receive on Christmas morning, better than any gift I could give him.  And I thank the person or persons who did this.  What a nice gift for me as well.