Six Months

Another one of those stupid marks in time.
Ed left me 6 months ago today.
And the last 6 months have been a blur yet I can't fathom how it's been 6 months.
And it breaks my heart because half a year has already passed and I guess it's real...
that he's not coming back and this is not some bad dream.
I keep hoping I will wake up and find that this has been some terrible joke.
But I pinch myself and know it's not a dream.

I have felt such pain, more pain in the past 6 months, than I have felt in my lifetime.
And it hurts even more because Ed is not here to hold me in his arms and comfort me and make it all better for me.

But I think back over the 6 months and I recognize changes.
Those nights when I awoke frequently, gasping for breath or feeling as though my heart had stopped beating.  I truly felt I was falling into an abyss...

My forgetfulness and carelessness is much less or at least I'd like to think so.  It has not gone away, but the fog that I lived in those first few months is beginning to lift.
I guess these are all signs that time is passing and I'm somehow learning to live each day without the love of my life.
Which just makes me sad.

There are days when I'm productive since I have no other choice.  Ed is not here to care for the yard or fix things around the house or to just simply share the chores of life.  I now must do these things myself, alone.  I am learning to juggle the demands of home and work--by myself.  It can be difficult but I see many others doing it and so must I.  So I keep myself busy with the busyness of the day.  I go about things like a robot, distracted by the fall TV shows.

Then BAM!  Without warning, grief smacks me up along side of my head.  I guess Grief doesn't like it when you ignore it for too long.  There doesn't have to be a specific trigger.  It just happens and I become gripped by the depth of hopelessness, aloneness, and heartbreak.

I try to reason with myself.  This is life.  This is death.  I need to focus on and count the blessings I have had my entire life.
But it doesn't help.  I never wanted this (who does?).  I never prepared for this (who can?).
I wish for a miracle....for Ed to speak to me.  For Ed to appear to me like in the movies.
But this isn't the movies.  This is my life.  And it sucks.
 
I like to think Ed is proud that I am taking care of things--figuring things out and doing what I need.
But then it breaks my heart because, if only I did these things while he was still here, then he would see what I can do and he could tell me himself he is proud of me.
But I didn't...he had his chores and I had mine.  We were a team and we accomplished all that had to be done by sharing the load.  And now I have no one to share the load with.

Is my grief any less than it was 6 months ago?
No...just different.  Tears still come at unexpected moments and not always in private.
Before Ed passed I would have considered myself a happy person who liked to cheer up others with a smile, a laugh.  I truly felt life was good and always found the glass half full.  Do I tend to see the glass half empty now?  No, I just rather throw the damn glass against the wall instead!

For I miss Ed and grieve the loss of him as well as the loss of Mike and Larry, too.
And I'm angry because wasn't losing just one of them enough?  Why two of them?  Why all three of them?  Why, why, why??  I don't understand and I'm angry at life in general.

I do not see the joy in each day.
I do not find happiness in the sunrise or the ocean or the changing colors of the leaves.  Those things that I used to gaze upon and appreciate.
I do not feel that Life Is Good.
Life sucks.
There are moments with friends and family that I enjoy.  We laugh and I am distracted by my life.
But these times also make me miss Ed because I want to share these moments with him.  We shared everything.  Our lives, our love, our thoughts.  We were one.

There are times I look around the house, our house, the home we built together.  And I appreciate that I have the warmth of this building and its rooms that are filled with memories.  Memories that we created, here together, with Dan.
And I'm thankful for all Ed gave me.
And I'm thankful for the memories.
But the memories only bring back the emptiness and loneliness and massive void that exists in my life.
I did not want to live my life without Ed.
I did not want to be alone.
I did not want to prove to the world how strong I could be.

I am thankful for the friends and family I have.
I hate that I've made new friends.  Friends that have come into my life because of our common grief due to the loss of a loved one.  I know they understand and don't take it personally, for if they had a choice, they wouldn't want to know me either.  It's our common tragedy and pain that has brought us together.

And so, at 6 months, I continue to try to find a rhythm in my life.
There is not happiness.
There is just being.
Because life pretty much sucks...
Even 6 months later...