Wasn't So Bad

I know you're all wondering how yesterday's wedding was.  All-in-all it was good.  I realize I am truly blessed with some great friends who watch out for me and make me feel included.

As I sat in the church with my friend Lynn and her family, I thought about Ed and how he would have gone to the Church with me even though he'd prefer not to.  And he would have fussed with his tie beforehand.  Although I thought he looked nice in a suit and tie, he was not comfortable wearing those.  We would have enjoyed sharing small comments at observations we both would make (like the guy in front of us who obviously had on a new suit coat but hadn't removed the stitching on the flaps).

Ed would have enjoyed hanging out with Terry and the open bar.  The two of them having their beer and joking about whatever topic might come up.  I can just see them standing there, quietly making comments to each other, and then laughing out loud.

The moments of Ed coming to the forefront of my mind were at various moments throughout the day.

• When I came downstairs all dressed and there was no one for me to ask "how do I look?"
• When Hilary and Bryan exchanged vows.  So young, so innocent, so full of thoughts of a future together.  How the words "in sickness and in health" I remember saying but not truly understanding the "sickness" part.  And they didn't use "until death do us part".
• When the priest asked all married couples to raise their hands to pray over the couple--guess that doesn't include me anymore.
• When they did the married couples dance and the couple that was last had been married like 60 years.  How lucky for them.
• When they talked about Hilary and Bryan having many years together and growing old together.  Ed and I didn't grow old together--at least I don't think we were old.

But overall the evening was good.  I remembered to put in my purse those things I needed and never thought about in the past because Ed was always there--cash for drinks and my AAA and debit/credit card in case of emergency.  I drove myself even though I had offers to ride with others.  But I needed the flexibility to leave when I wanted or needed to.  I had no idea how the evening would unfold and how I was going to do.

They seated me at a table with people I knew from choir and church so it was comfortable and the conversation flowed.  The fact that I was #9 at a table for 8 did not escape me.  Damn.

But I was certainly among friends and they made me feel included and it was a lovely evening.  I was careful about what I drank and when I was ready to leave, I was sure not to walk alone to the parking garage.  I just had to be smart.

I stayed until just about the end (probably left 5 minutes early).  It was a lovely evening and I'm glad I went.  I know Ed would have had a good time as well.

Going to wedding alone.  Done.  Check.  Success!