Happy Birthday Ed

Today would have been Ed's 61st birthday.  Would have been...  But he will forever be 60, never turning another year older.

I remember being so leery of last year's birthday.  My father passed when he was 60 and I hoped and prayed, after Ed was diagnosed with cancer, that he would make it to at least 60.  I always thought my father died young and I wanted Ed to make it to at least my father's age.  And when Ed turned 60 last year, I sighed with a bit of relief.  And I was so thankful.

So thankful that I forgot to pray that he make it to 61. How short sighted of me.

I've been doing "okay" lately...  I never say "good" because I'm not good.  I'm learning to cope and balance work and home and figuring out how to keep up with everything that I now need to do by myself.  And I'm adjusting to living alone.

Except just when I think I'm doing okay, it hits me like a ton of bricks--I'm alone.  And Ed's not here.  And I have such a hard time grasping the fact that he is actually gone.  That this person who so defined who I was for over half of my life is no longer here.  That person who was always here and always in my life is just gone.  And there's nothing I can do to bring him back to me.  That his life lives on in pictures, in my heart, and in my memories.  And that's it.

He took such great care of me for over 30 years.  He provided me with a home that is filled with many, many years of memories.  And he has left me the tools (figuratively and literally) to take care of things without him.  And now I must stand on my own.  And I know he's equipped me well but it doesn't mean I have to like it.  I never wanted to live without him.  I married him for life and thought we would grow old together.

Instead, I turned a year older this year and he did not.  We are no longer 10 years apart in age...  And I know in another 10 years, I will end up being older than him.  And that breaks my heart.

Happy Birthday Ed!  I love you forever and ever.  Til we meet again...