Weddings Can Suck

Today I'll be attending a wedding and I have mixed feelings.

Last weekend there was a wedding at our church and when I arrived the wedding party was outside having pictures taken.  It wasn't the bride and groom who caught my attention, but rather the parents of the bride.  They were dressed so nicely and were so happy.  And I found I was both envious and angry that they both were there to share this special day with their daughter.  Do they realize how lucky they are to be together and to be so happy?

There was another wedding at our church yesterday and to see the young couple made me smile.  But then at the same time I was heartbroken because, once again, both parents of the groom were there.  And I'd like to think they know how lucky they are because this family has had to deal with health issues and so the fact that they were all together to share this special day, I'm quite sure they did not take for granted.

But I can't help but draw my eyes to the parents...to both of them--together--to be able to share this special day with one another.  That I will never have.  Yes, Ed and I shared a lot of special days together.  But Ed won't be here if/when Dan ever marries and/or has children.  Of course, this saddens me.  It also causes me to turn my attention to my mother.  One of my sisters married months after my father passed.  How my mother ever got through that time period or that day, I'll never know.  Here I am having trouble and it's not my own family.  Worse yet, though, none of us knew what she was going through at that time.  She continued to protect her children and I'm sure didn't want to ruin the day for the rest of us.  But regardless, what I've since learned, is that we would not have understood anyhow.  You cannot understand the depth of grief when losing your spouse until you've experienced it.  But, today, unfortunately, I now understand and I'm sorry that she had to get through that day by herself.

I was never an envious person.  I was happy with what I had and was happy for others for what they had.  But I am envious of these parents who, together, are sharing and celebrating this special day with their child.  And today I will miss Ed as I am surrounded by couples who will be attending the wedding.  It seems to me that there are couples everywhere and our society showcases them.  Commercials on TV show couples or families with children.  The Gazette recently had pictures showcasing the Quabbin--there was one picture of the tower and one of fishing--the rest were of couples enjoying time together at the Quabbin.  Damn them!

Now don't get me wrong.  I am happy for these newlyweds for they have found each other and I hope they share the type of love that Ed and I had.  And I know I was blessed to find this true love of my life and that we loved so deeply.  Some people never find this.  There are plenty of people who never marry or whose marriages end in divorce.  But I was blessed to have found true, deep love that is eternal.  And I wish this for these newlyweds and so that does make me happy for them.  But I can still be sad for me.