August

Oh August, where did you go?!  I can't believe September is 2 days away.  The days pass, the months pass, and seasons change.  The second summer without Ed...and now I will soon be facing the second fall.  Fall, a time that I used to love so much.  September, one of my favorite months of year.  I'm scared, I'm apprehensive, I'm still sad.  For the days, the months, the seasons continue on and I still so badly want Ed here to share them with me.  But, alas, that can't be.

But I did not intend to write about that this morning.  Damn!  That is how grief is--it still creeps up when you least expect it.  So I will take a deep breath, refocus my brain, and instead look back at August which was filled with moments of living and, dare I say, enjoyment and appreciation.

Refocus... August...

The month started with Dan coming home.  I am SO blessed that he is close by and is able to come home for weekends.  And we have a good deal...he helps around the house and I'll do his laundry!  The cukes in the garden started to come in and so we tried our hands at making pickles (which ended up coming out pretty good)!

Mid-August was our annual trip to Misquamicut.  Last year my heart was very heavy being without Ed.  This year, there were moments, but overall the vacation was relaxing and enjoyable and the weather was great!

Dan and his friends Matt and Nate came down for several days.  I just love these guys and I love that they are such good friends and I hope they continue to be for many, many years to come.  You need to invest in staying in touch and these three do and that provides me such joy.  And it was great to watch them enjoy themselves kayaking, fishing, scuba diving or simply playing with the kids or hanging with all of us.

My niece Lexi and I took one day and headed over to Block Island.  You can see the island from Misquamicut but I had never been and always wanted to check it out.  I considered going alone but Lexi was willing to be my travel companion so off we went.  Although the ferry ride over was a little rough, we ended up having a great time!  Two gals hanging out together...doing some sightseeing, some shopping, walking the beach, and having a nice lunch together.  Although some say once they've gone, they don't feel a need to do it again, but I would be open to another visit.  I feel there's things I would like to see again and/or explore more closely.  Maybe next year.

Mid-vacation, lonliness hit me by surprise.  I'm sure part of it was because Dan and his friends and my oldest sister had gone back home.  But it still surprises me how you can be surrounded by so many people but still feel so all alone.  As I walked the beach, which provided me such solace and peace, I missed Ed and the "oneness" we shared.  We were so similar in how we thought and felt and he was my safe place to say whatever I felt...the only person I truly trusted to say whatever I wanted.  Dan has filled some of that void, but he had left and so, amongst all these people, I was alone.  I wonder if they realize how lucky they are--to have their families and to be together.  I'd like to think so.  But what they don't realize nor do they know how to acknowledge, is how alone I am.  I know it's a good thing that they don't understand, because you only understand once you've lived it.  I mean, I never understood it.  So I don't wish this level of loss or grief on any of them--they are my family and friends.  But how I wish someone understood so I didn't feel so all alone.

That finally happened on the last day of vacation.  I met up with a fellow Wid (shorthand for widow/widower) at the end of the week.  He got it.  He understood.  And for a couple hours, there was comfort and joy in sitting and talking about anything and everything, including our spouses.  Lesson learned was that we should have done this mid-week...maybe it would have helped get me through that period, after Dan left, when I felt sad and alone and there was no one to lift my spirits.  But it certainly ended my vacation on a high note and although that afternoon saw gray clouds come in, I smiled and laughed and enjoyed the last moments of vacation with my family.

As I close this post, I want to share one more thing:

While I was walking on the beach, on that day when I felt so all alone and sad, an old song, not necessarily one I particularly liked, but it was familiar, came into my head.  Where it came from, I don't know, but the words I kept repeating where:

You and me against the world,
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world,
When all the others turn their backs and walk away,
You can count on me to stay.

Yes, I know.  A Helen Reddy song?  Really?  Well, that part is odd.  But the words themselves spoke to me and it was how I was feeling.  No matter what happened, it was always me and Ed, together.  And I always knew I could count on him and him on me.

But the words to the next verse alluded me...

And when one of us is gone,
And one of us is left to carry on,

And what??  I could not recall the words.  I searched my memory but the words continued to allude me.  What was the secret?  What was the message?  So after returning home from vacation, I Googled it...

Then remembering will have to do,
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you,
You and me against the world.

Damn!  Really?  Freakin' song!
And on that note, below are a few pictures from August.  The new memories that I am trying to build.

Dan doing the mowing for me!

Our first pickles! YUM!

My niece Lexi who went to Block Island with me.

Block Island - Mohegan Bluffs looking towards Long Island.

Block Island - New Harbor

Block Island - Looking back towards the mainland.

Nate, Matt, and Dan at Misquamicut

Matt going scuba diving; Nate and Dan in the water with "the girls".

Our group at times numbered up to about 25 people.
Here's Dan, Amanda, Matt, Nate, and DeeDee

DeeDee and Cathy (on one of the cooler days)

Amanda and Dan boogie boarding

Nick, Dan, Nate, Amanda

Even a trip to Benny's was fun!

Reaffirmed - My favorite place on Earth!

My Hummingbirds were happy to see me home.
This guy sat there for about 10 mins after I filled the feeder.

Enjoying Small Pleasures; Avoiding Stress

Sorry I have been inconsistent in writing.  Life has been busy and I'm not quite sure why or how.  It's not like there's one particular thing I can say has been consuming my time.  It's a bunch of little things.

Work is nuts.  We've had several people retire over the past month and now I find myself doing four different jobs all at once.  The good news is that the days definitely are full and busy.  The down side is that there are lots of "problems" and it gets stressful.  So the work week just disappears since by the time I get home, I have dinner, do dishes, and get ready for the next workday.  This means Monday-Friday disappear way too quickly.  I am doing a good job at finding that life/work balance even if it means I leave work at the end of the day with a pile on my desk and way too many emails in my inbox.  I also work very hard at managing how I use my time on week nights.  I have learned that if I'm out after work for more than 2-3 nights each week, I get very stressed.  I have learned that I need to be home; need to have evenings where I can move at a slower pace and chip away at some of the things on my to do list so it is not all saved for the weekends.  I'm learning...

I have enjoyed the summer in terms of enjoying the yard.  I've learning about perennials and how I need to be a bit more ruthless in controlling where and what grows.  My garden is growing and I've enjoyed cucumbers and zucchini and the tomatoes are just coming in.  I'm excited because I'm growing acorn squash this year which I love--can't wait for that!  I've put up a second hummingbird feeder and it's a weekly event to make more nectar for them.  They definitely prefer my sugar/water mix than that red stuff from the store!  I think the chipmunk is enjoying it as well since some days we go through it pretty quickly.

I'm learning to grill which is impressive both because I have a general hesitation about gas grills (since we had the gas grill fire many years ago) and I know little about grilling.  But I'm learning--sometimes things get charbroiled, but sometimes they also turn out great.

I've found a quiet pleasure in sitting on the deck, having dinner (yes, alone), watching the birds, seeing the groundhog or the bunnies, and just enjoying the sunny, fresh air and the gardens and the yard.  When my mind goes there and the realization sets in, I do hate the fact that I'm setting a place for one at the table and I hate that I'm alone and I miss Ed and I also get pissed that he is not here with me.  And I feel like I'm playing a pretend game--pretend I can function on my own, pretend that I'm finding comfort in simple, quiet moments.  But then I realize I can't pretend because this is my life.  And then all the overwhelming questions creep up about what is my life, who am I, and is this how I want and am going to life the rest of my life?

But then I go back to enjoying the hummingbird who just arrived at the feeder, because that is simple and the rest is too overwhelming.  And I remind myself "one day at a time", one moment of pleasure at a time.  Keep it simple.

One of the hummingbirds at the feeder.

My Garden

Will have an abundance of tomatoes once these ripen.

One of the acorn squash.

Zucchini!

BatWoman

I hate bats!
But I guess I need to begin to expect a visit from them annually now because, once again, they decided to pay me a visit this year.  That's three years in a row.

As some background, we've always had bats outside.  I remember when Dan was small we would hear them squeaking outside the bedroom window.  Ed and Dan would also watch them from the pool when they went swimming at night.  So bats have been around outside for years.

Two years ago, one got in the basement.  It was the year that Dan was home after graduating college.  Ed was downstairs watching something on TV (it's a finished basement) and he came running up the stairs and yelling that there was a bat downstairs.  So the three of us, Dan in his protective gear, all headed downstairs to try to get this bat. I won't share details here, but we got rid of the bat.  And as I think back to that evening, I laugh because I'm sure we were quite a sight.  A week or two later, one ended up in our bedroom at night.  We never found it (the house got a thorough search and cleaning the next day) and we never found or saw the bat again.

Then last year, at the same time of year, two bats ended up in the house.  Now, let me remind you that this was 3 months after Ed passed.  So I was in the house alone, freaking out and needing to deal with this myself.  Thankfully they flew onto the three season porch where I was able to close the door and then I opened the outside door and they eventually left.

After last year's event, I called a wildlife specialist to come check the house.  He found no bats roosting and the only explanation he could come up with is they came in because I left an unscreened window open in the attached garage.  So they got into the garage and eventually onto the enclosed porch.  It made logical sense.  So I followed his advise and made sure I had screens on all windows and also put a cap on my chimney.  Those were the only possible entry points he could find. I figured I was now safe.

Then, this year, again, the same week of the year, I hear bats outside my bedroom window.  They are behind the shutter.  I'm not sleeping well because I hear them all night.  I eventually smarten up and close the window so I can't hear them.  I've convinced myself that the windows are screened, they won't come in, and it's just me hearing them that is bothering me.  I call my wildlife specialist ("Matt") though (yes, he's on speed dial now) and talk to him.  He reassures me there is nothing to worry about.  Behind the shutter is fine, yadda, yadda.  (Yes, he knows all the right things to say to me to calm me down.)

So that evening I get brave and as dusk arrives, I go outside to watch the bats come out from behind the shutter.  Yup, they are certainly bats and I count at least a dozen them.  Again, Matt reassures me that a dozen is not unusual.  So I keep my bedroom window closed at night for my own comfort.

The next morning, I get up and go through my usual routine--have a cup of coffee, read the paper, check my email and get ready to go downstairs to hit the treadmill.  As I'm putting the newspaper away in the living room, there it is.  A dark object on the white curtain--a bat.  Damn!

I remind myself the bat does not want to be in the house as much as I don't want him to be there.  I open the back door--they will sense cool air and move towards it.  He's not moving.  Okay, because I hope he doesn't move--I know they freak me out more when they are flying.  I could call Matt and he can come get it, but it's 7 AM and he doesn't "open" til 8 AM.  I've done a LOT of reading about bats and what to do if one gets in the house.

So I get a tupperware bowl and I don't have a piece of cardboard handy so I grab a small plexi cutting board.  The idea is to put the bowl over the bat, slide the plexi under the bowl and, tada!, you've caught a bat!  So I stand on the couch, then step over to stand onto the end table (it's hanging at the top of the curtain) and I pray that he doesn't move.  Prayer granted--I get the bowl on top of him, slide the plexi behind the curtain and slide both the bowl and plexi downward to slide the bat off the curtain.  I am glad I selected a semi-transparent bowl because I can see into it and can keep my eye on the bat.  Now what I've read is that I should wait and release him at night.  Yeah, right.  I don't think so.  I carry him outside and toss him over the railing.  He lands on the ground and I run into the house!

I did it!!  I'm so proud of myself.  I remained calm and took care of it.  All by myself.
And then I call my mother and burst into tears and cry about why me!!

I pull myself together.  I go outside and the bat is gone.  Now I'm wondering where it went, but I go about getting ready for work.  I listen for the bats outside my bedroom window.  I rap on the wall which usually causes them to stir and I hear nothing.  I call Matt again.  He says all the right things again and that, yes, it is possible they are no longer behind the shutter and advises that I recheck around the air conditioners because bats can get through a space as small as a pencil eraser.

That evening after work, I tape up every tiny hole around the air conditioners and gas insert in the fireplace.  So if you come to visit me and you see blue painters tape around these things, you'll know why!

To date, the bats have not returned to behind the shutter and I've gone over a week without another one in the house.  So I'm hoping they are gone for this season.  And next year, in addition to screens in all windows, I'll be sure every tiny hole around the air conditioners and gas insert is filled.  And I may invest in hanging a bat house--away from my house.  And don't think I haven't thought about removing my shutters as well!!

Oh, and I did find that bat I tossed outside.  He was hanging on the side of the house.  There was comfort in knowing where he was.  And as dusk approached, he left, probably off looking for his friends who left him alone (bats are "social" and like to travel together).  Poor thing (yeah right).

I hope my bat adventures are done for another year and maybe I can avoid them next year (please)!

Where I found the bat that I had tossed outside.  I guess they like my cedar shingles as well--easy to hang onto.
Maybe I need to install vinyl sooner rather than later.

In this one you can see he has lifted his head.  Kinda creepy!
I guess he doesn't like having his picture taken!

Year 2 Sucks

Year 2 sucks.  That is the consensus from me and my widow friends.  I know the world expects us to be done with our grief.  We've made it through the first year.  And, yes, somehow a year has gone by since Ed passed and I'm still getting out of bed every day and facing what lies ahead.  But the grief is so deep the first year, that I think I was numb for most of it.  Every day there was something new to challenge me and the littlest things were major obstacles.  I look back at learning to use the riding mower or even the push mower.  Learning to use a paint roller for the first time.  Such simple things to some of you, but new things that I had to learn, "had" to learn because Ed wasn't here.

The tears come unexpectedly lately.  Yesterday they came when I was simply dusting.  I moved the change bowl on the dresser--the bowl Ed dumped his loose change (or whatever else) into every day.  And it was sitting on the dresser that was Ed's, the one he owned when I met him.  That dresser became ours and now, sadly, it is mine.

Or when I washed the mirror and what stared back at me was an old, sad person.  I feel like I've aged a million years this past year.  What happened to that happy-go-lucky, glass half-filled girl?  The girl who was never sad and even after Ed was diagnosed with cancer would respond cheerfully when others inquired how Ed was doing.  Sure there were times I cried over the past 30 years--usually due to frustration, anger, or stress. But rarely due to sadness.  I know that made me lucky.

What is this new life that is now mine?  It is unknown and it is scary.  For the first 20 years of my life, I was a young girl, living with my parents, with dreams of going to college, getting married, having children.  The next 30 years were filled with my dreams--the love of my life, a wonderful son, a loving home.  And my dream was to grow old together.  That dream has been shattered.  And so now I'm faced with not knowing what my life is supposed to be for the next 20-30 years (God willing?).  Who am I?

Year 2.  The veil of grief has been lifted and now the fear of the future is being exposed.  A future that is scary that I must face alone.  I fear this sadness will remain--will I ever be happy?  I fear being alone the rest of my life.  Who will care for me when I'm in need?  I fear making the wrong decisions and hope they won't be too damaging.

So I remind myself to take this year to just get through each day.  Year 1 was about surviving and remembering to breath each day.  Year 2 I need to keep navigating my way through this new life, just one day at a time.  And if I keep moving, hopefully, I can stay one step ahead of the sadness so it doesn't latch on and leave me a pool of tears while dusting a dresser.

Beating Cancer

"When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer.

You beat cancer by how you live,

why you live,

and in the manner in which you live."

--Stuart Scott

Jimmy V Award Acceptance Speech

ESPY Awards, 2014

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=espn:11225895

Dan shared this with me and these words spoke to both of us.  I guess I can say Ed "beat" cancer since I am amazed and awed at how he lived his life after his terminal diagnosis.  I can only hope I would be as strong and graceful.  He taught us all how to "beat" cancer.  Stuart Scott is doing the same.

Thank you Dan for sharing this with me.  You give me strength in so many ways.

Supporting a Grieving Person

I came across this information about how to support a grieving person and it hit the nail on the head so I felt a need to share it.  Some people I encounter, very well meaning people, tend to think I should be done grieving because it's been a year or that I shouldn't be grieving because I have so much to be thankful for.  Or they say things that are unintentionally hurtful or simply just avoid saying anything like it didn't happen or they think they'll remind me of my loss and upset me (trust me, I never forget, not for a moment).  So unless you've experienced the loss of your other half; that love of your life; your best friend, partner, companion, I realize it is difficult to know what to do or say because I didn't know until 14 months ago.  So here goes.

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what he or she “should” be feeling or doing.
• Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. The bereaved need reassurance that what he or she feels is normal. Don’t judge them or take his or her grief reactions personally.
• There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure the bereaved to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow the healing process.

Comments to avoid

• "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
• "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
• "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
• "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."

Source: American Hospice Foundation

Slow, Quiet Morning

This morning is a slow morning.  Yesterday I went with my friend Cathy to a get together with other widows that she had met via a young widow forum.  They call this a "widowbago" and someone picks a date and time and anyone who wants to attend can go.  Yesterday's Bago was in Westerly RI--a place I absolutely love so when Cathy asked if I wanted to go, I decided to go even though I wouldn't know anyone but Cathy.  However, there's a level of comfort when you meet other widows that make these new introductions easier.  We have all gone through this terrible event in our lives and we're now trying to pick up the pieces of our lives.  And we "get it" in ways I never understood before losing Ed and that no one can understand until you lose the love of your life, the other half of yourself.  What is true about every person in this group--whether they are 7 years out or 7 months out, is that we're there to support each other and help to bring joy and laughter back into our lives.

The people I met yesterday were all so sweet and welcoming.  Our host brought us on a tour of his family-owned chocolate factory in Westerly.  It was bittersweet because the last time I was there was with Ed and Dan.  We were on vacation and it was a cloudy, rainy day and so we ventured over to check it out.  Yesterday, though, we all got the "behind-the-scenes" tour which I found quite interesting.  Their huge vats of melted chocolate, in all kinds of varieties, would certainly make my Christmas-time chocolate dipping so much easier than using my small double boiler!!

The picnic afterwards was very nice and everyone I met was very nice and welcoming.  We ended staying until 9:30 and with the drive back, I got home at midnight!  So I slept late this morning.

I had my cup of coffee while sitting on the back deck this morning.  I watched the Cardinal play in the wet grass, the Robin looking for food; and took in the warmth of the sun and the quiet of the summer morning.  It was peaceful but I also realize why I just don't sit idle like this because it is at these times that all my thoughts of Ed come rushing back and the hurt and pain of losing him returns.

Not that I don't miss him everyday, but I tend to be busy doing things and so my mind is engaged in the moment or task at hand.  But when I just sit and take in the silence or quiet, the memories of what we had all come flooding back.  What were we doing at this time 2 years ago?  How was he feeling?  What would we be doing at this moment if he was still here today?

What I've also learned though is that I love my home and the house and the yard and what this home that we made together and where we raised Dan.  I do find such peace and comfort sitting in the yard enjoying the birds and the flowers and even the lawn that needs constant mowing.  It is home and I can honestly say it is my most favorite place on earth.

So I'll update this blog to capture my thoughts and feelings, and then I will go attack my to do list so that I can get back to being functional.  It is a beautiful day and I need to be productive not only because there are things to be done, but also because I need to engage my brain so I'm thinking of something else.  This is why being busy, at the right level, is a good thing.  And right now I'm just trying to find that right balance.

The Cardinal that nested in the lilac bush.

Two Hummingbirds at the feeder.

They really prefer my homemade sugar/water mix!

One of the many luminaries donated in Ed's memory at Relay for Life.
Thank you all for your generous support!

My rose from Nelson.

A gift from my friend Cathy from our Widowbago adventure!

What a Week!

What a crazy week it has been.  It was just busy with things on the calendar every night during the week--volunteering at the church Tuesday night, Zumba Wednesday night, dinner with "Supper Club" Thursday night.  And Friday night was both calling hours for a dear friend and Relay for Life.

My friend Theresa Whitney passed away last Sunday, June 15th.  She was 85 and moved to Maine about 8 years ago so we didn't see each other as much as we would have liked.  But she lived in Belchertown when I first met her and I fondly remember parties at her house, drinks at McCarthy's, and road trips to the Griswold Inn.  She was a woman who lived life to the fullest, a woman of great faith, and I know she is  rejoicing with our Lord.

Dear Friend Theresa Whitney

Ed and Theresa would have some deep conversations.

Friday evening was also Relay for Life.  This was my first and I thank our team captain Eleanore for letting me join her team and making me feel welcomed.  It was a pleasant surprise to see my former hairdresser Julie, who I've known for over 20 years, also part of the team.  She became my walking/jogging buddy.  Dan and Nate showed up just in time for the Lumanaria lap and that was a pleasant surprise which meant a lot.  It was both a sad evening (sad that we even need to be doing this) but the love and joy of those working together in this fight against cancer was overwhelming and moving.

Julie, Eleanore, and Me

Team Peach Pedestrians

While I was at Theresa's funeral on Saturday, Dan and Nate put in the air conditioners and cleaned the gutters.  Love these guys!  They take such good care of me!  We topped off the evening with Grandma coming over for dinner and cards.  My first attempt to grill chicken.  It was a team effort and it came out great!  Ed would be proud of us.

Today will be a little more low-key and I plan to stay home and work in the yard (time to mow again!). I'm ready for that after the busy week I've had.  A week of many highs and lows.  Now I'm ready to just relax!  It's a beautiful day.  I hope you have a chance to enjoy it!

Our Wedding Anniversary

Today is not a good day.  It would have been mine and Ed's 30th wedding anniversary.  Before Ed passed, not a single anniversary went by when I wasn't happy on this day.  We usually celebrated in small ways--maybe dinner out or a nice dinner in; exchanging cards--Ed usually got me both a romantic one and a funny one; and he always got me flowers.  And if he sent them to me at work, he made sure to have more at home.  There was a time when I told him to stop having them delivered to me at work because they were too expensive.  Well he listened and that is when he started to deliver them himself!  We usually didn't exchange gifts on our anniversary or it would be something small (except when Ed got me my diamond anniversary ring).  Instead, we would usually buy something for the home.

And yes I know how blessed I was to have been able to find such love with Ed and to share so many years with him.  However, that does not mean I don't grieve and I don't miss him.  And to ignore that would also do us and him an injustice.  For to have truly loved means I will truly grieve.  Of course I remember all the wonderful time we had together, but I can still feel robbed of all the wonderful times we weren't able to share.  So I will remember.  I will be sad and I will cry.  For the love lost, for the memories that will never be made, for the years never to be shared.  For pretending there is no loss, no pain, no sadness would also not be right.

Today I'm attending the funeral for my brother-in-law's mother, Pauline.  I am sad for their family for it doesn't matter how old a person is, you still grieve their loss.  It is just another reminder how we are all on this Earth only for a short time.

My dear friend Theresa passed this weekend as well.  Her body had been failing her for several years now and she was so ready to meet Our Lord.  I am happy for her but again sad for her family and friends.  Another void in our lives.  I loved that woman so.

Both these woman lost their husbands many years prior.  I give them such credit for living life and moving on without the love of their lives.  May their lives be an example to me.  And I know, without any doubt, that their husbands were waiting there to greet them when they passed.  What a gift for both of them.

Pauline and Theresa, may you now have eternal peace.

Ed, Happy Anniversary.  I love you always and forever.

Father's Day

I can't bring myself to say "Happy" Father's Day.  I miss all the fathers in my life too much.  There are none and it hurts.  I know my father and Ed's father have been gone for many years.  We always remembered them but it was still Ed's day so we celebrated with joy with him and for him.  I realize this is not my first Father's Day without Ed.  But last year Dan was here and we remembered Ed together as we worked in the yard and then grilled dinner together.  We were busy.  Not sitting here in front of the computer, looking at pictures, and feeling blue about what I don't have.  I guess it's time for me to get busy.

I miss you Ed.  I missed Dad.  I miss you Dad Brzycki.  Happy Father's Day with so much love!

Caught Back Up (finally)!

I'm sorry I haven't been updating this blog.  I fell behind after Dan and I got back from DC and I told myself I couldn't write a "current" post until I took care of the backlog.  So, if you happened upon here today (June 14th), there are some new posts that date back to May, including ones from our trip to DC!

As you will see, Dan and I had a good time in DC.  The time since then (has it really already been a month), has been busy.  Spring finally arrived and things like mowing and weeding and taking care of the outside of the house have taken precedent over inside jobs.  Although I did manage to repaint the kitchen recently.

Time continues to march on and seasons continue to change.  The spring bulbs have died off; the lilacs and Lilies of the Valley have passed, and the Rhododendron flowers and Irises are gone as well.  We continue to move towards summer, but we didn't see much spring.

I have certainly enjoyed the longer days and I find myself on weekends outside in the yard until 8 PM.  It saddens me to think that the days will begin to get shorter in just over a week.  Time passes all too quickly.

Now that I'm caught up again with this blog, I hope to stay in touch more often.  Enjoy the day!  Enjoy the sunshine!  Enjoy the reading...

Who Would Have Thought

I spent today working in the yard, planting veggies in the garden and flowers around the house.  I loved spending the time outside in the warmth of the sun, the heat of the day.  When working inside all week, breathing in the fresh air felt good.

Not surprisingly, I bought too many plants for the garden.  It's not a very large garden so a couple tomato plants, cukes, lettuce, and squash would have been plenty.  But I ended up with 3 tomato plants, squash, zucchini, cukes, lettuce, and acorn squash.  Oh well, extra to compensate for any plants I may end up killing.

I like my little garden though and it reminds me how Dan built this for me last year about this time and that makes me smile.

But planting the vegetable garden doesn't surprise me.  I also planted some flowers--in one area in the back of the house, in a window box, and in three different planters.  And as I was arranging the flowers in the planters, I got a good chuckle because this is certainly "not my thing".  Ed always did the flower boxes and they always looked beautiful.  I recall one year I attempted to do this and the poor flowers just looked rather pathetic.  I just did not have a knack for it.  Last year, I planted flowers in one container and then bought a couple hanging baskets and containers already beautifully arranged.  I certainly didn't need the extra pressure last year of trying to do everything.

Not sure what possessed me to attempt planting flowers this year.  But I bought them and before I knew it I was out in the sunshine with the potting soil, the wheel barrow, watering can, and the gardening tools.  I took my time planning out how to arrange the flowers and then carefully transplanted the flowers to their new summer home.  The one thing I observed that was different than in previous attempts was that I took my time.  I didn't rush it as a task to simply check off my list.  But rather, I took time to plan, to arrange, and to step back and assess.  And I laughed at myself and couldn't believe that I was actually enjoying the moment.  I certainly never enjoyed it in the past.  I enjoyed Ed's end result but the work was, well "work".

Last year I was perfectly content in resigning myself to the fact that I will simply purchase those beautiful arrangements from the store.  Who would have thought that I would actually be planting flowers and taking pride in what I was doing and enjoying the task.  I'd like to think Ed was smiling down on me.  I certainly thought of him often and thanked him for teaching me through example.

Two small flower urns near the stairs.

The garden has been planted!

Another planter with annuals on the back deck.

New Front Deck

This weekend Dan and his friend Nate redid our front deck.  It had to be redone.  Ed built it 20 years ago and the wood was rotting.  When Dan, Nate, and Matt were here in early May they said how I didn't need to hire someone, they could redo it.

So they selected Memorial Day weekend to do the job.  Funny, somehow Matt ended up needing to work, so he wasn't here to help.  But Dan and Nate came home and Saturday morning we headed out to Home Depot to get our materials.

The job took longer than expected.  We thought we could use all the old framing but all the joist hangers had to be replaced and stair strings also needed to be redone.  Day 1 was demolitioning the old deck (which I enjoyed doing but they make it look so easy on TV) and then putting new joist hangers in and redoing the joists.  Day 2 was laying the decking and completing the stairs.  Day 3, Nate had to leave in the morning.  But Dan stayed and the two of us did the railings.

We still have the stair railing to do because Home Depot was out of the needed materials for that.  But at least we can get into the front door and we'll plan to do the stair railings in a few weeks.  I think it came out really nice and I think Ed would have been very proud of what a good job they did.

Thanks guys!!

Dan & Nate at Home Depot

Demo'ing - Harder than it looks!

Redoing joists

New 4x4s in place, now working on decking.

End of Day 2

Just need to do the railings for the stairs!  They did good!  And I helped!

I'm Here

I'm sorry I haven't written lately.  I'm still here slogging through life.  On May 9-12, Dan and I went to Washington DC.  It was a great trip and we had a terrific time.  We are certainly good travel companions--we like to do and see the same type of things and operate on similar schedules.

So planning for this trip and then getting back on track once we returned has been consuming the past couple weeks.  Very little downtime lately which I guess is a good thing.  As I've said before, keeping busy is good.  Last weekend was finally painting the kitchen.  Nothing new--just a fresh coat of paint.  I had taken everything down weeks ago and patched the walls so it really needed to just get done so I could put the kitchen back together.  Last weekend was also having to mow.  The start of another season of tending to the yard.  I was quite happy when both mowers started right up for me.  I did not attempt to use the weed whacker--I don't expect as much success with that.  The ads I see for a battery-powered trimmer and blower always get my attention, but I will attempt to use the gas-powered ones I have for now but may throw in the towel if they test my patience again this year as they did last year.  Granted my patience was much thinner than.

So life goes on.  Work is busy; tending to the home is busy.  But I promise to post about our trip to DC in the near future.  In the meantime, know that I'm still here, taking it one day at a time.  Year 2 is underway and although I still miss Ed tremendously and the void is still very much present, I am trying to figure out me, as an individual, and what I want my life to be.  What is important to me? How do I want to spend my time?  Just continue to navigate this path that is my life.  One day at a time.

Trip to DC - Final Day & Happy Birthday Dan!

Monday, May 12th - Happy 26th Birthday Dan!!

Our final day in DC.  Our flight was not until 4 PM, so we have a good portion of the day to spend in DC.  We originally didn't have anything planned but decided to walk down to see the Lincoln Memorial and the Vietnam Memorial in the daylight.  We then walked over to see the Korean Memorial in the daylight and it was not the same at all.  If you ever go, be sure to see that one at night.

We really didn't have anything else planned so we walked towards the Washington Monument and happened upon the ceremonies for the reopening of the Monument.  We knew they were being held Monday morning but it really wasn't on our agenda that we had to be there.  But since we happened upon it, we stayed and watched the ceremonies (and saw Al Roker who was the master of ceremonies) and then went up to the Washington Monument where you could now go up to the base (it was blocked off before).  We couldn't actually go into the Monument because tours didn't start until 1 PM and we needed to head to the airport shortly after that.

We then decided to hit a museum.  Dan's choice--Air & Space Museum.  We spent a couple hours there and saw pretty much everything we want to see before we had to head to the airport.

Overall a great trip!  We saw a lot.  Did a LOT of walking!  And also learned that we pretty good travel companions!

It was a great way to celebrate and share Mother's Day and Dan's birthday.  Wonder what we'll plan for next year?

Vietnam Memorial

Lincoln Memorial

Al Roker Hosting the Re-opening Ceremony for the Washington Monument

Me at the Base of the Washington Monument

Dan at the Air & Space Museum

Trip to DC - Day 3

Sunday - Happy Mother's Day!

Today we planned to go to the 9/11 Memorial at the Pentagon and then Arlington Cemetery.  It was a HOT day...in the 90s and humid!

We took the Metro to The Pentagon.  It would have been nice to tour the Pentagon but you need to get tickets months in advance (since security clearance is needed and there are no tours on weekends)--oh well, next time.  The 9/11 Memorial is on the back side of the Pentagon and so you need to walk quite a ways around the building to get to it.  There are many signs posted around the building itself stating "no photos".  However we were able to take photos once we got to the Memorial.

This Memorial was very moving as well.  The design was incredible--very simple but moving.  There was a bench for each person who perished at this site and the benches were arranged based on whether the person perished was in the Pentagon or on the plane and they where arranged by year of birth as well as angled on the path the plane took into the building.

From there we took the Metro to Arlington Cemetery.  Because it was so hot and humid, Dan I agreed to take the tour trolley to get around.  First stop was the JFK and family grave site followed by the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and then to the top of the hill to Arlington House.

We had originally considered walking back across Arlington Memorial Bridge to see the Lincoln Memorial in the daytime, but because of the heat we came up with a new plan to take the Metro to Penn Quarter where we walked over to the Spy Museum.  We spent a few hours there--we really enjoyed it.  Lots of interesting stuff to take in.  We then walked around National Mall and by the Smithsonians and then took the Metro back to our hotel.  Our plan was to go out again in the evening to see the White House at night which we did and then stopped for a quick dinner afterwards.

9/11 Memorial @ The Pentagon

Arlington Cemetery

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

White House