Her

I dreaded the moment I would see her.  I wondered what I would say.  On one hand, I wanted to lay into her, telling her how I could never forgive her for her actions, or rather, her non-actions.  But there she was and I could barely say anything.  A simple "hello" was difficult to get out but I did it after several minutes of avoiding saying anything.  In the past, I would have made small talk and done the "right" thing and been friendly.  But I could not be friendly.  I could not even fake it.

Instead, I went outside and sat by myself.  Yes, there were others around me, but I was alone.  In an environment where I felt out of place among people I barely knew.  In the past I would have clung closely to Ed.  And I realize so clearly how I was never alone with him.  Even if we went and chatted with different groups of people, there was always that home base, that person to connect to and be with.  But instead I sat there not part of any group or any conversation.  Just listening to others and pretending to have a good time.

As we all went inside for dinner, I again sat alone.  She sat alone as well.  But I could not sit with her.  The gap was there in the past, but I always made the effort, for Ed.  But she wasn't there for Ed in life.  Not after he was diagnosed, not when he was in the hospital in his final days, and not even in his death.  And she was never there for me and Dan and with Ed's passing, she wasn't there again.  At the lowest possible point of my life, she still could not extend herself in our grief.  Did she grieve?  I can't say with any certainty that she did.  Not for Ed at least.  And if she did, she grieved alone but that was her decision and her fault and so I do not feel sorry for her.  It was her choice...

As a Christian, I am taught to forgive.  But I cannot.  I do not know how a person can do this to another.  And although I wish last night I could have said all the things that I felt, I'm not quite sure what that might have been.  Would I have been direct and angrily ask "how could she?" or rather be curt and simply ask "how can you live with yourself"?  But I didn't do either of these things.  Instead I kept my distance.  I could not bear to even be near her.

It took all my energy to simply say "hello" and then later "goodbye".  In the past, I would extend myself to give a hug, but there was no hug last night.  I could barely look at her never mind be so fake in giving a hug.  And on one hand I'm disappointed in myself because I wanted her to feel the hurt and feel the anger but I would not give her that benefit.  And as she wiped tears from her eyes, I knew those tears were not for Ed and that continues to break my heart...not for her, but for Ed.

But as she sat there, I wondered if she ever realized how wrong her lack of action was; how unfeeling and hurtful she is.  And it is at this moment as I write this, that I commit myself to never be like that.  For it is the people in my life and the love and care I extend to them that is important and will be my legacy when it is my time to pass.  I never want to be like her and I always, always want to protect Ed, even in death, from her.

I was always impressed with how Ed rose above this behavior.  He always made sure we sent cards or gifts on every holiday and birthday, even though she never reciprocated or even acknowledging the gift.  If anything, she taught Ed how not to be and for that I need to be grateful because Ed showered me with love and thoughtfulness and never, for one moment, did I ever doubt his love and care for me.

And, so, because Ed would want me to, I will continue to send cards but signing them with "love" is not possible at this time.  I'm hoping with time, I will learn forgiveness.  I doubt if it will ever come.  Will I bite my tongue next time?  Most likely because I'm not a mean person.  And I believe in doing unto others as you would want done to you.  So I will continue to rise above and I will be there next time, for Ed, for Dan, and for those there that I do care about and, at some level, care for me.  In spite of her...