Bah Humbug

I wish I were a bear and could go hibernate and not come out until Spring.  Or can I fast forward past the holidays?  Although Ed has been gone almost 7 months, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be the first "big" holidays without him.

How can I get up Thanksgiving morning and dress for dinner at my mother's without Ed being here doing the same.  Picking out what we're going to wear.  Ironing his shirt.  How nice he looked when he dressed up.  The smell of his cologne.  The person who always sat next to me and shared glances and whispers.  Who helped pack-up leftovers at the end of the day and drove me home after a nice day with family, just enjoying time together.

Yes, I am thankful that Dan will be home and we will be together.  Poor, Dan.  He carries the burden of the void  left by Ed.  I am thankful that he is an adult who can now bear this burden, but also sorry that he even needs to.

And then comes Christmas.  All the preparations.  All the decisions.  Do I really want to decorate--by myself--just to take everything down again--by myself?  Every decoration, every ornament will have a memory of Ed.  Every tradition will just remind me of what is no longer.  Yes, I have cherished memories but they are not yet comforting but rather magnify my loss.

I'm told I can do things differently this year.  I can make changes.  I can make choices.  I can just say "no".  But, really, can I?  Can I just say "no" I'm not acknowledging these holidays.  That I'm just staying home, away from everyone, and wishing the days away?  Although those of us who grieve as told we can do whatever we want, society says otherwise.

So I have decisions to make.  What will I do?  Will I bake the many dozen cookies I used to bake and give away as gifts?  If I don't, what will I do as gifts?  Will I put up the tree or pick candles in the window?  Will I send out cards?  Will I buy gifts for family and friends?  I wonder what they would all think if I just said "no".  For I have had to make way too many decisions this year, why do I need to make more, by myself?

For I do not feel generous.  I do not feel like celebrating.  And although I know, deep down inside, I should be thankful for things in my life, it's even difficult for me to do that.

And this may explain why the sadness often comes throughout the day lately and every night I cry myself to sleep.  For I try to pretend, but you can't fool grief.