One Day at a Time

It's been a week since I last posted.  I used to post every day.  Of course, when I posted every day it was to keep you informed on how Ed was doing and then how I was doing after Ed passed.  I guess the fact that I don't feel it necessary to post every day is a good thing.

I still find the days a mix of emotions.  The excitement in my life this past week included trapping 7 mice and also getting gutters installed.  I realize I'll do okay taking care of the house.  It's a lot of work, but I'm doing it and will continue to do it.  And I don't find it as overwhelming as I did several months ago.  I'm learning and I'm smart, so I will learn about these things.  Little by little.

But what I can't learn and what I can't adjust to is missing Ed.  I can take care of business.  But when my mind goes to the fact that I'm alone with no one to share my accomplishments, my thoughts, my feelings...my heart continues to break.  I know, I hear those of you reading this saying "we're here, you can share with us", but it's not the same.  I want Ed which just reminds me how he was my best friend, the love of my life, and I miss him so much.

I am constantly replaying Ed's final days in my head and wondering why I didn't take the time with him to better prepare myself for him not being here.  But I realize, and I know I keep reminding myself of this, that it was about him in those final weeks and days, not about me.  And I'm thankful for this blog, because I can go back and read about those days and I am reminded how he was dying and to ask him to stay, for my benefit, would have been selfish.

So it appears the mice are gone (for now) and I have cleaned up all the leaves in the yard, and I've got new gutters installed.  The house and yard are being maintained.  I make myself lengthy to-do lists and I work through them, checking things off.  I can't say the same, though, regarding my emotions, my grief, and the emptiness in the house and in my heart...  One day at a time, sweet Jesus, one day at a time...