Learning

I know it's been several days since I last posted.  I went to Misquamicut last weekend which I had some apprehension about.  Misquamicut is where we went for vacation--me, Ed, Dan, my family.  So I wasn't quite sure how it would be without Ed next to my side; without Ed driving the 2 hrs down and back.  The drive down was not an issue because my niece was with me.  She chatted the entire time which I was grateful for so the time passed quickly.

We were at a new cottage so there were no memories conjured up being at a place I've shared with Ed.  But on the other hand, I was sad because Ed was not there to see the new cottage.  On a side note, one thing I've learned with grief is that you can't win...there's sadness no matter how you look at a situation.  Somehow with grief you always can easily find it.  The glass is half-full; the glass is half-empty...one of them will made me sad depending on the moment.

Anyhow, my mother had picked out a room for me and Ed--one that she felt was perfect for Ed and she asked me if I still wanted it.  Of course, I did.  And she's right...he would have liked the cottage and the room she selected.

The beach itself was peaceful and Dan was able to join us which made it even nicer.  As I watched the people on the beach, though, I was drawn to noticing the number of families and couples.  It is a family beach so what else would I expect?  But at some level, I felt alone.

I drove back alone--at least in my car.  My sister and her friend were driving back at the same time in another vehicle so they accompanied me the entire time which made the drive back go quickly and I felt less alone.

My emotions are a mess this week though and, once again, I have spontaneous moments when the grief envelopes me and I sit and cry.  Why this week is any worse than the previous week, I'm not sure.  There's a lot of things I'm trying to get done and so maybe it is the unseen stress?  Or maybe it's because, even though I thought I had a good weekend at the beach, it did stir up memories and feelings that are now fighting to get out?  I'm not sure.  What I do know though is that I can't control it and any kind of smile this week is forced.

Who knows what next week will bring, but all I can do is take it one day at a time and try to live each day at a time and feel what I'm feeling and recognize it and respond accordingly.  For someone who likes to be in control, this is definitely not easy for me.  But I'm learning...