Grief is Back from Vacation

Yes, I'm still here.  I'm sorry I haven't written but I was away on vacation.  I had intentions of trying to write while away, but that (obviously) didn't happen.

So how was vacation?  It had it's good moments, it had it's sad moments.  I found myself several times acknowledging how alone I felt even though I was surrounded by so many people.  I missed Ed terribly.  He wasn't there to come sit on the beach with me or bring me lunch as he always did.  He wasn't there in the evenings as we all gathered together for dinner and enjoy each other's company.  And he wasn't there as I went into the room that was supposed to be ours and I closed the door and went to bed.

I missed our walks on the beach. Ed used to always walk too slow for me.  He would search along the shore for shells, pretty rocks, sea glass, or whatever treasure he might come across.  I walked for exercise so I usually needed to tell myself to be patience and enjoy our "stroll" together.  What I wouldn't give to be able to stroll along the beach with Ed again.  Ed also wasn't one who liked to sit on the beach all day.  He would spend time at the cottage watching people or watching the Little League World Series or cooking something up for all of us to enjoy.  But he would always come over to the beach around lunchtime to spend a couple hours with me.

As I look back, I know last year he spent less time coming to the beach. He was tired.  But I went and how I wish I just stayed with him--if I knew it would be our last summer at the beach together.  But I also know it would not have been what he wanted.  He liked his quiet time at the cottage and he knew how much I enjoyed sitting on the beach.

Yes, the beach and the ocean are beautiful and I can usually just sit and watch the waves and the people for hours.  But there was less joy this year; there was less peace.  Seeing other couples sharing the time together was the worse.  But I enjoyed the time away from work and responsibilities at home and the company of family and friends and would have to save there were definitely more good times than bad.

What I am most surprised at is how difficult it has been since I've gotten home.  I was so worried about how I would do on vacation and I think that explains my mood pre-vacation.  But I have been a mess of emotions post-vacation. At the most unexpected times, grief was tapping me on the shoulder once again.  As I unpack and Ed is not there to help as he has always been.  Or when I turn on the TV and see Little League World Series or NFL--both of which Ed loved and watched every year.  Or even at this moment.  The post-vacation transition has been difficult and I don't understand why and the tears come often and unexpectedly.

I've been trying to read books about grief to better understand and manage my feelings.  But they seem to just conjure up more tears, so maybe I should set them aside and stop trying to understand and grasp what I'm going through?  I don't know what it is.  I have plenty of "tasks" to keep me busy, but I'm less focused and am having a hard time getting things done.

There is no question that I miss Ed.  I miss what we no longer have and I miss what we will never have.  But it's post-vacation and I must get up every day and I must go to work.  And this week I've got things on the calendar which is keeping me extra busy, so maybe that is what is adding to my stress and emotions?  I don't know.  But I'm doing it and I'll continue to try to put one foot in front of the other.  Because what other choice do I really have?

I will write again soon.  I do have some stories to share from vacation.  There were some nice moments and I want to capture them.  Because although at this moment I feel grief has consumed me again, it will be good for my soul to recognize and acknowledge these "good" moments as well.

Grief just continues to surprise me...