I Was Spoiled

Yes, I'm still here.  It has been several days since I last posted and I thought it was time to let you know I'm still here, moving through what is defined as my new life.  I continue to keep myself busy between work and taking care of everything around the house.  I took a day off from work so that I could get everything done that I felt I needed to.  I recognize that when I'm feeling overwhelmed by all that needs to be done, this is what I need to do so that I feel more on top of things, more in control.

I did a thorough cleaning of the house this past weekend.  Since March I've done what I call spot cleaning--dusting here, vacuuming there, etc.  So it felt good to do a thorough cleaning of every room--top to bottom.  I then worked in the yard--mowing, hand trimming and weed whacking and the yard looked good when I was done.

But what I felt afterwards was a sadness and loneliness.  Because as much as I was pleased with how clean the interior of the house was and how nice the exterior of the house looked, there was no one to share it with.  No one to see and appreciate the fruits of my labor.  No one to say "you did good".  And at these moments it makes me wonder what it's all for.  I know that I need to simply feel proud of myself and to tell myself "you did good".

And I know, if I'm realistic, that I can feel proud that I get up each morning, that I'm figuring things out, that I'm accomplishing tasks that were tasks Ed and I used to share or that Ed did himself.  And I know he would be proud of me and I like to think he is looking down and smiling that I am stepping up.  I never really realized how lucky and pampered I was though.  I always knew Ed took good care of me.  He frequently bought me clothes or gifts or flowers or treats...something I liked just because.  I now realize also how much he actually did around the house without me even realizing it.  I mean, I know he cooked and did laundry and I always knew how lucky and spoiled I was in that way.  But all the "other" things he took care of around the house, with the vehicles, with our home in general.  He just did it without me even realizing it or recognizing it.  And there were days, I'm sad to say, when I focused more on what he wasn't doing instead of appreciating what he was doing.  But we had such a great partnership.  And it wasn't 50/50...it was more 60/40 and Ed carried the 60% (at least).  And I took that for granted.

So don't take your partner for granted.  Recognize and appreciate all they do--even the little things that you may find annoying at times.  Because I would trade the world to have Ed back, just the way he was--with his opinions, his habits, his procrastination--all those little things that can be annoying after so many years together.  And I know he put up a lot with me as well (hard to believe, I know).  But it was all worth it because we loved each other unconditionally.

We were partners, we were best friends, we were one.  And now that he is gone, I realize I am not whole.  I'm learning to figure out how to rebuild the missing parts of me.  I will never be 100%--there will always be a part of me that is reserved for the love and memory of Ed.  That part of me is already reserved and protected.  And so now I learn to rebuild the remaining portion of my life, of me.  One day at a time, one task at a time, one accomplishment at a time.