Good Riddance, Not...

Today marks 5 months since my brother Michael passed and we finally got the results from the medical examiner this week...Acute Myocvhardial Infarction and Occlusion of the Right Coronary Artery. Yes, basically a heart attack.  At age 51 with no symptoms.  It's good to finally know, to put closure on it.  But it doesn't change anything and it doesn't bring any relief.  He is still gone.  Another life cut too short.  Another man in my family who has passed all too soon.  I just find comfort that it appears he did not suffer or struggle, but passed quickly.  And knowing he was happy and laughing and so "he died happy" should be a good thing, right?  I guess.  But what I find is that there are more "good, happy" people who tend to pass too early than the miserable, mean people where we would simply say "good riddance".

Does it seem this way because we only grieve the loss of those we love?  But even the bad must have someone who grieves their loss, right?  Does God need more of the "good" people to populate his kingdom?  That he needs them more than we do?  I can't really buy that because I would like to think He needs more good people here on Earth to keep love alive.  But what I've also learned is that grief intensifies our love for one another.  For some, it's a reminder to cherish your loved ones.  For others, it's showing your love and support for those who have lost and brings us closer.  So with grief I'd like to think love grows a bit more to help fill that void left behind.

So this is where fairness comes in.  Because it's not fair that my father, my brother, my husband, and two of my brothers-in-law were all taken way too soon.  And it's not fair that I never knew my grandfathers and that Dan never knew his grandfathers.  And now Dan's children will never know their paternal grandfather.  What's up with that??  Why are all the men in my life being taken away?

A woman I know commented this week how if she had passed instead of her husband, her husband would have handled it much better than she is currently handling it.  I thought about this for a while and wondered how Ed would have handled it if I passed before him.  I couldn't come up with an answer.  On one hand, I would just expect he would be okay because whatever I contributed to the household, he could surely take care of himself easily.  That part I could rationalize.  But what I could not fathom or grasp is how he would handle the grief.  And I find it odd that even as I'm in the middle of this journey through grief, my thoughts turn first to the practical things, not the emotional, daily living of losing of a loved one.

I'm sure he would carry on, just like I need to, because what other choice do we have.  But I also know he would have kept his emotions inside and to himself and that would not have been good.  For I was his outlet and who he shared his feelings with.  Would he have shared them with Dan--possibly.  Or he would have kept them bottled up and tried to keep the emotions and grief locked inside where hopefully others wouldn't see it.  He certainly wouldn't be writing a blog or going to support groups or sharing his feelings with family members. This much I know.  So although Ed was the stronger one in our living; I may be the stronger one in our grieving.