Yes, I find comfort and happiness in the sunny, blue sky that greeted me yesterday and today. It is a beautiful day outside with the sun and snow (even though it is cold). And I know I am blessed by the friends I've made and the friends and family who show their care for me. I guess the fact that I can recognize these things means that I'm learning to adjust to this new life of mine.
I am thankful for my dear friends in the Supper Club and my new friends from the Bereavement Support Group. I get together with each of these groups about every 4-6 weeks. We usually share a meal and we talk for hours and we don't have to pretend. We share how we're doing and support each other and it's okay to laugh and to cry and to hurt. What sucks is our common loss and grief that brings us together. But I am thankful for them all.
And I'm thankful for my job because it's a distraction and something that I can feel successful about and I will continue to work hard at it because Ed was always so proud of the work I did and the successes I had and so I will continue that until it's time to retire (which will be a while).
I am learning things each and every day and I know that's a good thing even though I hate it and would unlearn everything to have Ed back. But since that's not an option, I need to continue to put one foot in front of the other and figure out this new life that I must live, day by day, alone.
I have learned that it is best for me to plan my meals for the week and cook on the weekends so I can have leftovers during the week. Yes, I do cook. Not as creative and as good as Ed, but I do follow recipes and some things don't turn out too bad. I certainly miss the days of coming home from work and Ed being in the kitchen with dinner cooking (I was so spoiled). But now I come home and reheat my leftovers and sit down for a meal. And I've learned moderation because I do not like eating the same thing for 5 days in a row (another thing I've learned) and so cooking two small meals on the weekend gives me enough leftovers and some variety for the workweek. Of course, don't take this to mean I enjoy cooking--not like Ed--this is just a necessity and I'd give it up in a heartbeat if I could!
I find a level of freedom in making some decisions and choices all on my own. I go where I want, when I want; I buy what I want, I do what I want around the house. Ed and I easily agreed on all of these things, but when you live with another person, you need to be considerate of that person--whether it was Ed or Dan or both. But as much as I hate living alone, I do recognize some of the freedoms it has afforded me. Like licking the spoon I'm using to make dinner or eating ice cream right out of the container, or controlling the remote!
I've also learned that I obsess over some things--like clearing the driveway of snow (I think I obsessed about mowing and raking too). The other day, about a half inch of snow fell after we cleaned up the 10-12" and I left it. I was so proud of myself...drove right over it! It was okay to let it go--NOT! I was out there yesterday cleaning it up and it took me 2 hours instead of the 1 hour it would have taken if I cleaned it up before I drove over it. This reminded me of father--he would have us kids outside clearing the driveway down to the pavement as well and I thought he was nuts. Like what difference did it make? So maybe I get some of this obsessiveness from him?
I'm learning lots of different things about myself. I still miss Ed with every fiber of my being. But I have learned to be grateful for the love and time we had together. For there are many who never find such deep love and so I know and recognize how lucky I am to have had that and to share that for over 30 years.
For that I will always be grateful...
No comments:
Post a Comment