Enough Snow Already!

I am so happy it's the weekend--what a week!  And it's hard to believe I just had such a nice three-day weekend with Dan.  The rest of the week was not as good.  Like so many people, I am so tired of this snow.  Tuesday I got home from work and decided I would go out and cleanup the several inches snow by quickly using the snow blower.  HA!  That didn't happen.  The snow blower kept stalling out when I tried to engage the auger (side note...how sad that I now even know what an "auger" is...that word was not part of my vocabulary a year ago).  After a little investigation I found there was ice build up.  So I spent who-knows-how-long chipping away at that and then finally was able to clean up the driveway.  I could tell there was still some ice because the snow was not throwing from the chute as far as it usually does, but it was good enough to get the driveway cleared.  I then shoveled off the decks and then I found myself in tears as I was finishing up.  The tears came for no particular reason other than the sheer frustration of the situation!

I kept telling myself I should be proud of the fact that I figured out what was wrong with the snow blower and I fixed it and I got the job done.  But I didn't want to be smart and strong.  I didn't want to even have to deal with this. And, of course, when it's 8 PM and I'm finally getting in after a long day at work and then spending 2 hours fixing the snow blower and cleaning up snow, I know my perspective and ability to reason is totally off.  It was late, I was tired, and so the tears came and I was mad at the world for having to even be in this situation.  I was sick and tired of the snow.  I was sick and tired of needing to figure things out myself.  I was sick and tired of needing to be outside in the cold until 8 PM.  I wanted Ed to take care of this.  I wanted to go back to the days when I would come home and Ed would already have everything cleaned up and he would be in the kitchen with dinner almost ready.  All I had to do was to come home, put on my pjs or sweats, and sit down to enjoy the dinner he prepared.  The most I had to do was dishes.  Oh the wonderful life I lived.

And I know I'm adjusting to the fact that this is not my life any more.  I appreciate how well taken care of I was and I know was blessed for many years.  And on one hand, I want to prove to the world that I'll step up and do what I need to.  But on the other hand, I don't want to be this person.  And my position on this changes day-to-day, moment-by-moment.

Of course, I was almost pushed over the edge again on Wednesday when, surprising to everyone, MORE SNOW fell during the day!  I had plans that night, plans I was looking forward to, but instead when I got home, I once again found myself clearing the driveway.  I got smarter, though, and used my hairdryer to clear up some of the remaining ice in the snow blower before I even tried to use it.  That only took about 15 mins and then the clean up when quickly.  And although I was planning to cleanup the driveway and still go out as planned, there was freezing rain and sleet falling, so I stayed home.  Of course, I then had a nice sheet of ice on the driveway in the morning...but there was no snow!!  And there were no tears that evening either.

But I will tell you I was so relieved there was no snow on Thursday and Friday evening.  I needed a break.  And as much as it upsets me and I'm getting tired, I realize so isn't everyone else.  So my loss of patience and tolerance has less to do with my grief but more to do with the weather.  We're all getting tired of this winter.

And so today, it will warm up and I will make sure my snow blower is all cleaned up and ready for the next storm...because I have confidence, there will be another storm.  And maybe I can deal with it without tears this time.  We'll see.  One thing I've learned is that I can't necessarily predict how I might react to a situation.  Frustration, grief, tears still come unexpectedly but I continue to move on...slowly....one foot in front of the other...day-by-day...