Blessings

It's another beautiful, albeit cold, Sunday morning.  There's a clear blue sky and the sun glistens on the fresh white snow.  As I sit in the warmth of the house, our home, enjoying a warm cup of coffee from our Keurig, I am contented.  The quiet and stillness of the house wrap me in peace this morning, not the emptiness that sometimes occur.  It could be that Dan's presence, upstairs still asleep, helps bring me this level of comfort and peace.  It doesn't matter, because I'll take it.

I look at the pictures I have of Ed in front of my computer, ones I look at every day.  And I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling.  Yes, I still miss him and I have and still feel that hole that is left in my heart.  But I look at him smiling and remember how much we loved and how much we enjoyed life together.  Yes, there's still an ache in my heart that rises to my throat, but no tears this morning.  Just missing him...

Friday night, Valentine's Day, I had a few women wid's over for dinner and a movie.  It is the first time I've ever entertained woman-friends in our home.  Ed was always my best friend and we spent time together or time with family or other couples.  I didn't have a group of "woman friends"... But now I do.  And I'm thankful for them because we're all "widows" (I still hate that word) and we get it.  We laugh together at our antics and the things we struggle with, and we share congratulations at the things we've mastered.  And we cry together as we recall our losses and the basic fact that we have to learn these new things.  We enjoy each other's company and support while at the same time wish we never met.  All-in-all, I am quite proud in how we celebrated Valentine's Day--with dinner and a movie, and valentine's and candy, and cookies and roses.  I am thankful for my new "wid" friends!

I came across Valentine cards Ed had given me.  And I reread them knowing that he had carefully picked them out based on the message they contained.  For Ed was a man of few words.  And although he would tell me often that he loved me, he was not one to try to verbalize the depth of his love.  He did this through his daily actions and through the cards he carefully chose for me.  So I as reread some of them on Friday, it warmed my heart because I know I was deeply loved and he thought the world of me.  How lucky was I!

While cleaning out a file, I also came across a small booklet that Ed had bought that he had given to Dan.  It was entitled "Did I Tell You?" by Elizabeth Knapp.  I remember Ed finding this in a little shop we were browsing in and he had no question that he was buying this for Dan.  Now this was significant because, as parents, any cards we bought Dan were usually ones that I picked out.  But Ed found this booklet and he had to buy it for Dan.  It brought tears to my eyes then as well.  Ed knew then that his time here on Earth was limited and this booklet said what he wanted to share with Dan.  He gave Dan the booklet back then and I'm sure at the time Dan was uncomfortable by the words conveyed and didn't know how to respond.  But it tucked it away as he usually did with these types of gifts.  I gave Dan the booklet again on Friday for Valentine's Day.  I know the words mean so much more to him today.  The expression of Ed's love for Dan to last for a lifetime.

Of course, my best Valentine's Day gift was Dan coming home.  And he brought me two flowering plants--one for home and one for my office.  Have I told you lately how thankful and blessed I am to have such a wonderful son?!  We've been enjoying our time together this weekend doing projects around the house.  We laugh knowing that Ed is either rolling his eyes at us, or shaking his head and going "what are the two of you doing?" and we're probably driving him crazy!

But these moments make me smile.  Just like my cup of warm coffee, the sunny, blue sky, and the bright white snow.  And Dan sleeping upstairs in our loving home.

An excerpt from "Did I Tell You?" by Elizabeth Knapp