Waves

You go about your life.  You think you're learning to cope...to live this new life.  It's been just over 9 months.  Maybe I can learn to live a life without my loved one.  I made it through the holidays in one piece, right?  But, without warning, the tears come.  I could be walking past a picture of the two of us and I recall the event and I see the happiness and love on our faces...and I grieve and tears come without any ability to stop them.  They last a few minutes and then I move on, continuing whatever it might have been what I was doing.  And this occurrence has been happening quite frequently these past few days and I'm not sure why.  And the triggers are unpredictable.  Yesterday, it was as I reached to use the lotion that Ed used while he was in the hospital.  Something so simple and unexpected.

Grief comes in waves and so there must be some storm brewing because the waves are larger and coming more frequently lately and I have no control over them.  Last night, as I headed to bed, a tsunami hit.  The pain was similar to that which I experienced in the early months.  Crying out for Ed, asking for some miracle that would provide me with a sign he was with me.  But none came.  And all the regrets I have came flooding back to haunt me again.  And my ability to reason with myself was not there...just the pain, emptiness, and tears.

What was it about last night that made it so much worse?  The darkness?  The silence of the house?  What I do know as I look back is that in the evening, in the darkness and silence of my bed, our bed, the waves sweep me away.  Eventually, I fall into sleep clutching the tissues that I've used to wipe my tears.

When I awake, the dawn of a new day is fresh and I ponder how I could be so out of control the night before.  I am tired from the lack of sleep and my energy that has been drained from my body.  But the morning brings new perspective. The waves seem to have gone away.  But as anyone who has marveled at the beauty and strength of the sea knows that, just like the sun will rise every day, the waves will return.  Some will be calming and bring peace.  Others knock us on our butt...