Anger and Appreciation

I am angry often...  Am I angry at God?  I'm not sure.  I'm more just angry at this hand that has been dealt me.  I am angry that Ed is not here and that his life was cut short.

But then there are moments that make me appreciate the time we had.  When I read the obituaries and I see babies, teenagers, and many younger than me or Ed who have passed.  And I feel for them and their families because Ed and I did have many years together.  Their lives were cut much shorter.

Today I had an epiphany and realized that, although I miss Ed so very much, I would not trade our years together for anything.  For as I come home from work and feel safe and secure in the home we made together, I am thankful that he gave this to me.  He gave me a home, he gave me security, he gave me a love so deep and that it is why I mourn so deeply.

But I know, from the deepest recesses of my heart, that we were blessed to have found each other. One different decision, one different reaction 32 years ago and our lives could have taken such different paths.  Where would I have gone?  What would my life have turned out to be?  It doesn't really matter because what I know, without a single doubt, is that I wouldn't change a thing.  I have been blessed to know such deep love and such happiness and Ed gave this to me.

Do I like being a widow at 50?  Absolutely not and I don't wish it on anyone.  But I wouldn't trade the years of utter happiness, security, joy, friendship, and love that Ed and I shared.  And so each day I thank Ed for what he gave me and what he's left me.  For I have been blessed to know true love, for 32 years, from a man who always put me first, who got joy from making me happy.  Such unselfish love.  And so as much as I at times will mourn, and get angry, that we were robbed of many more years together, I know I was lucky to have such wonderful years together and, that, I will always carry with me.  And reminding myself of this turns that anger into appreciation...