Wanting Just One More

Today is a sad day...for no particular reason or for many small reasons.  I'm not quite sure.

I've been functioning the last few days.  Keeping busy with my forever present "to do" list.  But each evening the last few days I have cried myself to sleep and today there is a general sadness enveloping me and tears come at a drop of a hat.

Of course I always try to analyze these things and try to put my finger on exactly what is triggering these emotions at this particular time.  Is it that yesterday was 6 months since Mike's passing? Is it because I'm pulling together notes and pictures to "introduce" Ed to my support group tonight?  Is it because it's the 12th anniversary of 9/11?  Could it be my upcoming business trip?  I don't know.  But what I do know, is that with grief there does not have to be anything specific or in particular.  It just is.

I find myself longing for Ed's touch, Ed's voice, Ed's presence...but it's not here.  I feel as though I am already forgetting these physical aspects of him.  Sure I have pictures that remind me of our time together.  But his voice, his touch, his presence feels like it is becoming more distant and this scares me.  It's been less than 5 months.  How can I hold onto these memories for my lifetime?  The "big" memories, I'm not worried about forgetting--the milestones of our lives are engraved in my memory and are captured in pictures to help me remember.  But I so fear losing the memories of these small, personal details.

This man had such an impact on my life for 31 years...more than half my life.  I know, I am blessed to have had this time, to have this love.  I was so lucky.  But it makes my heartache so much greater.

Unfortunately, life goes on and so must I.  But what I wouldn't give to have one more kiss, one more hug, one more feeling of the touch of his hand.  I love you Ed and miss you so.