Today marks 5 months since Ed passed. And it's been about 6 months since he was last in our home. These marks of time are just those...marks in time. What do they mean? I'm not quite sure except that time is marching on without Ed. And I'm saddened to know that somehow I'm learning to live 5 months without him. Some would say this is a good thing; to me, it's still heartbreaking.
The 6 months since he was last in our home hurts more. I recall that evening when he went to the hospital. Where he was sitting when the EMTs came in. How he put on his shoes and walked out the front door where he climbed onto a stretcher and then they put him into the ambulance. The idea that this would be the last time he was ever in our home, never crossed my mind. I wonder if it crossed him mind at all? Of course, he was in such pain, that I realistically know that even if it did, it wouldn't have mattered. We both were focused on the immediate need which was to deal with whatever was the cause of his immense pain. So today I focus on that instead, because it helps the sadness.
Of course, as I mark another milestone...another stupid point in time that I wish I wasn't counting, I have to remind myself and let you know that the past week was actually okay. Believe it or not, the trip to Austin was good. The biggest thing was actually being successful at making the trip and taking care of all the details I needed to in terms of leaving for a few days and packing what I needed.
Not that I haven't traveled before. But I've had this recurring dream since Ed has passed about missing a flight (getting to the airport too late, not having my boarding pass, etc.). If you Google this, they say it's about being overwhelmed by activities. That certainly would define my life these past 6 months. But taking this trip and needing to catch my flight now more significant meaning due to these dreams. So there was some comfort in knowing that I made it to the airport in plenty of time and made all my connections and packed everything I needed. No issues. So maybe that specific dream will now go away!
The trip was for a Leadership Summit and being away was actually good. I missed Ed less which doesn't mean I forgot about him, but grief did not take this trip with me which was actually nice. Dan was terrific though in keeping in touch with me and texting me just as Ed would have done. I am one lucky Mom!
I am now back home where I am doing things like cleaning out the garden, draining the air compressor (yes, you read that right), and replacing the seal on the garage door. Taking care of a home is a lot of work, but I'm thankful for all the tools Ed has that enable me to do this work more easily. There was grease under my fingernails as I went to church last night. My, how my life has changed. Not that I necessarily like doing all these things. What I like is knowing that I'm stepping up to the plate to take care of these things and I would like to think Ed would be proud of me.
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| Riding the Tram at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport |
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| The view of Austin from my hotel room. |
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| Room service the first night. Yes, a burger and fries! |
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| Pool area at the hotel where I relaxed before dinner Tuesday night. |
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| View of Manhattan from the plane on the way home. |
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| Replaced the summer flowers with Mums for fall. |
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