Widow Learning

As I vacuum the hallway this morning and notice the pile of shoes I need to work around, the irony does not allude me.  I remember always nagging Ed to put away his shoes...the pile of easily disposed shoes in the hallway would grow.  How in the world could two people leave so many pairs of shoes in the hallway?  And so it was a constant battle to put shoes away and keep the pile in the hallway minimal.  This morning, I counted 7 pairs. Seven pairs of sneakers, shoes, and boots that belong to no one but me which means I have no one to blame but myself.

Yes, any clutter around the house, any dirt tracked into the house, any kleenex left in clothes pockets in the laundry, I now have no one to blame by myself.  I guess everything wasn't Ed's fault and I'm not as perfect as I would have liked to think!

Of course, I've learned that in my eyes, as a widow, Ed was perfect.  Over the past two years, I have only mourned all that I have lost and all the good.  And if I tell you a story about Ed, he is perfect.  He was the perfect, caring, loving husband and father and there were no faults.  Of course, anyone who has been married for 30 years knows, it really isn't like that.  And anyone who knew Ed well, knew this as well.  But Ed is still on that pedestal, two years after passing.  The reality is that any imperfections or squabbles we had were minor and so these are all pushed to the back of my memory.  It does make me laugh at times though because we weren't perfect...we were a normal, married couple.  Ed was not any more perfect than either you or I.  But I won't tell you those stories.  Ed will always be perfect in my eyes.

I also realize so much that I took for granted.  For example, this fall/winter, there have been a lot of mice I am catching in the mousetraps in the basement.  When Ed was here, I walked right by them and, when I remembered, I'd say to Ed "there's a dead mouse downstairs" never emptying the trap myself.  HA!  Jokes on me because now, if I don't empty the trap, no one else will.  And that's one of the hardest lessons I've learned...whatever needs to be done around the house, whether it's cleaning, emptying trash, fixing something...if I don't do it, it won't get done.  Ed is not here to just take care of things.  Things that used to just miraculously be taken care of.  I would go about my business without worrying about any of these things.  Something I took for granted often in our day-to-day lives.  I miss that and wish I was better at thanking him more on a daily basis.

I've also learned that I still am not comfortable using the terms "I," "me," and "mine."  The house is still "ours" and the contents are still "ours."  I frequently use "we" when referring to something I'm thinking of doing, but I tell myself that the "we" is me and Dan.

This widowhood is a strange thing and every day is a learning experience...

No Time for Grief

There is no time for grief.  I know it's been knocking at my door, wanting to visit, but there is just not time to deal with it and although my life is more hectic than I would like, this is that proverbial silver lining.

As some of you know, we brought my mother home from the hospital on January 29th.  She still requires 24/7 care, but mentally going back to rehab was not an option.  For the short-term, my sisters and I are taking turns providing the majority of her care.  This is supplemented by friends and family and the VNA.  However, the majority of the responsibility for her care, including the majority of days and overnights, my sisters and I take turns, at least for now.

So I find myself juggling the days and nights I need to spend at my mother's with trying to work as much as possible, and also take care of my own house.  The days blend together and I find I need to refer to the calendar often to know what day of the week it is.  Days blend from being at Mom's to being at work to being at Mom's again.  Weekdays blend with weekends and the traditional weekend time to get caught up around the house and run errands and do chores, no longer exists.  Any "free" time I have is spent doing essentials--laundry, cleaning, groceries, etc.

I have cleared my calendar of any "personal" activities--choir, church-related activities, visits with friends, etc., have all been cancelled.  Even updating this blog is a challenge and the only reason I'm doing it now is because OT is here working with my mother.

Add on top of that all this snow!  It seems every day or every other day is spent shoveling and snow blowing and now trying to clear snow from the roof.

I want to be clear that I do not share this to complain.  Just like I would not hesitate to do what I needed to do for Ed, I will not hesitate to do what is needed for my mother at this time as well.  If I've learned nothing else over the past few years it is family comes first.

But time marches on.  Somehow Christmas and New Year's have come and gone in a blink of an eye.  January is now behind us.  What have I done for the past two months?  Nothing really other than be there for my mother.  That is what I needed to and still need to do.  The rest of it just happens to fit in between.

And, yes, there are times when I tire--when I don't think I could possibly do this for another day.  And when I'm on the verge of having my own pity party, feeling sorry that I don't have anyone to help ease my burden or be there to embrace me when I tire at the end of the day, I need to remember to be grateful that my mother is still here and that I have siblings who can help carry this load of her care.  And I am most grateful for my sister Cathy and her husband Tim who have been there for me, without even being asked.  Whether it's to provide the emotional support of a friend or to help around the house--they are there for me always and I know I could never repay them.  And I'm thankful for those friends who text me randomly to let me know they are thinking of me and to share a few thoughts back and forth.  And, it goes without saying, that I'm thankful for Dan--my rock who I wish was closer and that I could see more often.

So every day I get up.  I put one foot in front of the other.  Some day the snow will stop falling.  Some day the days will begin to warm.  Someday, soon, I'll be remembering and recognizing 2nd anniversaries.  And when grief wants to join me on these days and drag me down, I  will instead try to remember to be thankful for what I do have.  For Dan and for my family.  For my friends.  And, most importantly, that my mother is still here.  And I pray that maybe, just maybe if I dare, maybe spring will come and we will be able to rejoice above our burdens and sadness.

That is my prayer...

Minimizing Stuff

There's an online community board that I visit that had the idea of tossing one item per day as a way to minimize the "stuff" we all have.  So I've been trying to do this since one item per day seems much more manageable then cleaning out entire rooms.  And anything counts--from half-used bottles of shampoo, to holey socks...you name it.

I'm not always good about tossing something every day, so I try to make up for it by tossing several things at once, if I can.

Today I was inspired to toss some things out as I was making my grocery list and noticing the dates on some of the food in the frig.  Now don't get the wrong impression.  My frig is clean, with very little in it in fact.  But there are some basic staples that I believe you need to have.  Today as I cleaned out the frig, I found that the two small cans of Pillsbury crescent rolls were dated Mar 2013 and Apr 2013.  This totally surprised me.  I would have put money on the fact that I bought them in the past year.  But instead they are dated the month/year Ed went into the hospital and the month/year in which he passed.  So I would have had to buy these while Ed was still here.  So then, of course, this made me sad.  To think that I bought these planning that we would have them with dinner some evening.  And it also puzzled me...how have I had these for two years?  And the reminder that it is almost two years since Ed passed.  What has happened to that time?  Where did it go?  It feels like yesterday.

But the crescent rolls went into the trash.  I was able to let them go!  And I was on a roll (albeit a small one) and headed for the closet.  I thinned out and tossed plastic bags, in particular the "good" ones sitting at the bottom of the container that I never use!

I then went through the pile of "specialty" napkins that Dan always makes fun of because they sit there with the intention that I will use them, but I never do.  The New Year's napkins dated 2000 is proof of this!  Gosh, I remember that New Year's--the big threat of Y2K--would the world make it? would all our electronics survive?  That was 15 years ago. Wow--15 years ago when my life was full of happiness and joy.  So I reminisced....and tossed the napkins in the trash.

Through all this tossing, though, I find I do walk a fine line between trying to minimize the "stuff" I have in my life and being wasteful.  I mean, there was nothing wrong with those napkins and I've held onto them for 15 years because they are still usable.  Have I used them?  No.  But you never know when you'll run out of napkins or paper towels or any other paper or cloth item on which to wipe your hands!!  But I was strong, and they went into the trash!!  The three different colored saran wraps from an Easter many, many years ago, remained though.  I have learned that I just need to go with my gut and do what feels right at that moment in time.

And I did write crescent rolls on my grocery list.  I mean, I obviously haven't eaten any in 2 years, but I may need them next week!  I do find the humor in this and can laugh at myself which is a good thing.

In all of this, though, I realize I continue to stay in the "safe" zone.  Throwing out outdated food (that's an easy one) or items that have no sentimental value at all (or very little).  But the majority of Ed's things still remain.  And his Hot Rod magazines and Golf magazines that I threatened many times to throw out on him, still remain.  I have the "freedom" to finally get rid of them, but I can't.  Someday, but not today....

Emotions

I'm a mix of emotions lately.  Some days I get through feeling "happy" (I'm still tentative in using that word), others I'm sad, angry, stressed, or just plain nothing.

I know my mother being sick and in the hospital and rehab these past 6 weeks is wearing on me.  It has added to my list of things I need to do.  Every day I fit in going to see my mother.  The drive alone takes 30-40 mins one way so when I wonder where my day has gone and what have I accomplished, this explains some of it.  Some people, including my mother, have suggested that I don't go see her every day.  But what is my reason for not going--I'm too busy?  That to me is certainly not a valid reason.  And then she tells me how much she appreciates seeing me every day and how could I disappoint her by not going?  Funny how even at my age, I still don't want to disappoint my mother.  That kinda annoys me!

And really...it is the priority right now.  The dusting can wait.  Spot vacuuming works.  Cleaning out files and de-cluttering can also wait.  The Christmas tree and decorations are still up.  I "should" take them down, but the lights on the tree at night make me smile.  So, I think instead of taking the tree down this weekend, I'll put away the other decorations and let the lights that brighten the living room each evening remain because they bring me happiness and peace (until I stress over the fact that the Christmas tree is still up!).  I wonder, if I leave it up long enough will I have to dust off the ornaments?  Yikes!

I am finding support from my friends which I appreciate and I hate all at the same time.  I appreciate them...these friends I didn't know 2 years ago who have become my support and sounding board.  And I hate it because it reminds me, every so often, how Ed has been replaced by all of them.  He was my single support when life got too stressful and I needed to vent to someone--he knew how to listen and tell me what I needed to hear and make me feel supported.  He understood when I was angry and whether I was right or wrong, he let me feel how I felt and helped me work through it.  He hugged me just at the right time to make me feel loved, protected, and supported.

That is probably what I miss the most.  That one person who just "gets" me no matter what the mood.  And the loneliness....  That person to support me, to be there for me, to know if I even make it home safely at night.  That one person who cares for me and about me and lets me know in small, gentle ways that he appreciates me and loves me....  The phone call or text just to check on me; the small gift to surprise me; the simple things to make my life easier and to show he cares.

I'm learning to appreciate some of the benefits of being alone--I do what I want, when I want.  I choose what I'm having for dinner and eat when I want.  I have total control of the TV remote. And the reality is that dealing with my mother's illness and what I need to do in terms of seeing her or taking care of things at her house, I do on my timetable.  There's no one waiting at home, no one else I need to consider or be accountable to--freedom and sadness all wrapped up in one.

I know some of the stress I'm feeling right now is also because I tend to look at the time after the holidays, the winter, as a time to get my inside projects done and take life a little more slowly and have more down time.  Clean-out files and closets.  Take the time to do things like a jigsaw puzzle.  But I haven't done any of this yet.  Of course it's only been a week since the holidays were over.  Maybe I should cut myself some slack....something I have recognized I have a very hard time doing.

So I guess instead of sitting here writing this blog, I should go be productive.  If I have this list of "to do's", it doesn't get done, sitting here on the computer.  But updating this blog was on my list so I guess I get to cross that off, at least for now.  And that makes me happy.

I hope the new year is being kind to you and yours.  Enjoy the time inside with loved one as we hunker down with this brutally cold weather.  I appreciate the roof over my head, the warmth of my home, and, yes, the lights on the Christmas tree!

Happy (?) New Year

2015....Here we are.  Another year.  I don't like to give this day too much weight.  It's another day.  Like any other.  But like so many others, New Year's Day tends to be a day to look back and remember and also to look forward and make plans.

As I look back, I don't know where 2014 went to.  I believe my intent for this past year was to learn more about myself--as a single woman, living alone, without Ed.  Focus on what I like, I need, I want.  With an underlying objective to hold it all together.

Well, I guess I held it all together because I'm here, today, to say so.  But I'm not quite sure where the year went.  As I pull out my new calendar and note anniversaries and birthdays, I am once again adding more notes regarding the date that a loved one or friend passed.  There are more of these than the birth of new life to note.  I don't like that and I wonder if life is just more cruel than it was previously.  Or is it simply because I'm getting older and my friends and family are getting older.  Is this just life or does life just seem harder than it used to be?  I'm thinking maybe a combination of both.

And what are my hopes for 2015?  I'm not quite sure.  I quite sure one of my goals for 2014 was to get through life without a major meltdown every day.  The fog of 2013 had lifted and I was forced to feel everything more clearly.  That will continue in 2015.  I'd like to think I was more functional in 2014.  I feel like I somehow slogged through the days, weeks, and months.  And, yes, there were fewer meltdowns.

So what is in store for 2015?  I really have no idea.

• Maybe I'll finally clean out one of Ed's dresser drawers (although I think that's highly unlikely).  Maybe I'll try to de-clutter my stuff and Dan's stuff--that seems easier to do.
• I will continue to cherish and build on those friendships I have that are most important to me.  Weed out those that do not add support, laughter, and value to my life.  That's a hard one because I know I tend to spread myself too thin and/or feel "obligated".
• Continue to try to find the work/life balance.  A tricky one with my Mother still on the road to recovery.  And in the priority of life, I usually come last.
• Know that it's okay to say "no".  As my friend says, "no" is a complete sentence.
• Be grateful
• Be thankful
• Appreciate the little things in life
• Keep it simple...

And the last one is why there are no great ambitious resolutions here.  Keep it simple.  Spend time with friends and family who lift me up and appreciate their company and the laughter they add to my life.  Spend time by myself and appreciate the quiet and self awareness.  Let friends and loved ones know how much they mean to me because life is short.  Live it to the fullest.  Live it how you want.

Happy New Year....Here we go again...

Christmas Eve Day

Hard to believe it's Christmas Eve day.  It certainly doesn't feel like Christmas.  The past 4 weeks have just been a blur with Mom's illness. That has been our focus while also juggling "life" in general.  The days have blurred together and I don't know where time goes.  Between the combination of work, taking care of my home and household responsibilities (you know, bills, laundry, cleaning, etc), keeping an eye on Mom's home and taking care of things there as well, visiting Mom and spending time with her each day, and somewhere in there, getting ready for Christmas, life has been a blur.  Most days start at 5:30 am and end around midnight.

The only good thing is that I haven't had the time to miss and grieve Ed at this time of year.  My mind is totally occupied with way too many things that I need to do and remember to do, that there hasn't been time to sit idly and realize this will be our second Christmas without Ed.  And even through Mom's illness and her being in the exact same rooms at Ed in the ICU did not bother me.

Yesterday Mom got a blood transfusion though and she was on 3 North at Cooley...where Ed was when his health declined significantly and he took his last breath.  Sitting in that room, although in the opposite corridor from where Ed was, brought back so many memories.  The look and feel of the room.  The bed where I said my final goodbye to Ed.  This was harder.  It did not bring tears at that time (it does now) but rather this strange awkward feeling that was hard to put my finger on.

But again, no time to sit idle and focus on these feelings...too much to do.  I am so looking forward to having the next 5 days off from work.  Dan is home and our Christmas Eve will be traditional going to Mass and visiting Ed's side of the family.  Christmas Day will be totally different not going to my Mother's.  But we'll visit Mom and then we're looking forward to just having a low-key day at home doing who knows what.

At some level I fear these next 5 days--fear that as I relax, grief or illness will catch me.  If it doesn't happen this week, then there's always next week.  With New Year's I've got another 5 days off from work.  I'm so looking forward to a slower pace--no work and no shopping and prep for the holidays.  Just relax and enjoy the sounds and sights of Christmas and no more hustle and bustle of the holidays.  I know I will reflect on all the Christmases and New Years that I've shared with Ed and that were so special and defined most of my life.  But I hope I will remember them fondly and with less heartache.

Merry Christmas All!

This is actually from Thanksgiving.  How blessed am I to have such a great son!!

He is so helpful when he comes home--cleaned up the driveway on Thanksgiving.
Wish he lived closer but thankful he's close enough to come home often.

LOVE Christmas decorations and lights!

Our tree...  Thankful that Ed decided to buy a pre-lit artificial tree for what would be our last Christmas together.
For a guy who insisted on a fresh cut tree every year, this was quite a change.  It certainly makes it so much easier for me now.  He knew...

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

And starting to feel like it as well.  Last weekend I put up some decorations--not all of them, but enough to make it begin to look like Christmas.  And every night the candles in the windows and the outdoor decorations greet me after a long day at work and visiting Mom.

Mom continues to make progress.  Last week she moved out of the ICU to a rehab facility in Leeds.  We expect she'll be there a few weeks so we have postponed our family Christmas celebration until she gets back home.

Juggling work, being there for Mom, taking care of the house, and getting ready for Christmas has kept me extremely busy.  I have had to cancel/postpone some social engagements and I haven't made it to choir in weeks.  I've also cut way back on my baking, yet I did make some fudge, brickle, and even attempted peanut brittle for the first time (I'm told it came out good)!

By some miracle I got my Christmas cards mailed this weekend and I finally started wrapping gifts.

But even with the hustle and bustle of the holidays and life in general, yesterday while at the grocery store, I found myself singing along to the Christmas music playing overhead.  A light snow that had fallen the night before covered the ground and flurries continued to fall outside.  It certainly was feeling more like Christmas.  And I was surprised when I realized that, even with the stress of my Mom's illness and getting ready for Christmas, I was happily singing along to the Christmas carols.  After I got home, I did some baking and the smells of cranberry nut bread filled the air while Christmas music played.  I find peace in the lights of the Christmas tree and the decorations bring back years of memories.  Memories that bring warmth to my heart.

Yes, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas and it's beginning to feel like it as well...

Sigh...

It's the weekend!  Sigh...  Life has been so hectic lately I'm hoping the weekend gives me a bit of a chance to breath a little, although I doubt it will happen since I have a long list of things to do.

Mom continues to be in the hospital in ICU.  She is making small progress for which we are extremely grateful.  She's not 100% stable yet but the doctors are watching that and Mom's job is to begin to build up her strength so she can get out of bed and walk a little.  We are so much further along though than where we were two weeks ago.  And for that we are so thankful.  There is just a long road ahead of us.

I continue to visit Mom daily to spend a few hours with her.  This has required adjustments to my work schedule and the days are long, sometimes not getting home until after 9 PM or to bed til midnight.  I realize I'm burning the candle on both ends and that I need to be careful because Mom's recovery will be a long road.

My supervisor and staff at work have been terrific.  When I talked to my supervisor about my work schedule she was so understanding and supportive.  That was so nice and gave me one less thing to worry about.  We agreed that I will continue my week-by-week, play it by ear, through the end of the year and then see where Mom is in the new year.  And my staff are all stepping up and moving things forward more independently.  So even though I can complain like anyone else about work, when push comes to shove, they are supportive and flexible and for that I'm thankful.

This week I put up the Christmas tree so it's beginning to look a bit more like Christmas around here.  I still have shopping to do and cards to send and decorating to do.  I'm being forced to cut out my baking this year.  In years past, I baked over a hundred dozen cookies of different varieties and gave them as gifts.  Last year, with Ed's passing, I knew I had a good reason to stop baking, but I didn't.  I only cut back slightly.  But this year...I just don't have the time with Mom in the hospital.  People will understand but it will be my own guilt that I will need to get over.  I'm getting over it...

When Dan was home recently, he took care of putting the candles in all the windows.  Years ago, Ed had bought some sensor candles that automatically come on when it's dark.  We hadn't been using them for whatever reason.  However, when Dan put out the candles this year, these were the ones he used thinking they were the "right" ones.  Of course, when I got home I had to point out that they weren't the "right" ones, but we left them anyhow.  Now I am thankful because every evening, when I get home after a long day, the candles are there shining in the windows--bright, cheery lights to greet me, welcoming me home.

So there is some feeling of Christmas starting here at home.  It's unlikely Mom will be home for Christmas and so we may choose to postpone our family celebration.  But we'll see.  A lot can happen in two weeks.  I mean, just look back to where we were two weeks ago...

Prayers

Some of you coming to this blog may already know that my mother is in the hospital.  It's hard to believe she's "only" been there 4 days.  It seems much longer.  The days are blurring together and I struggle to figure out what it was I had intended to do over the long Thanksgiving weekend.  But that weekend has come and gone now.

Mom wasn't feeling well last Tuesday (fatigued, chills) but Wednesday she seemed to bounce back even saying how she feels so much better.  On Thursday morning though she still wasn't feeling well so my sisters and I told her to go back to bed and we'd get dinner ready.  The reality is that she had already had everything prepared and had even put the turkey in Thursday morning.  So we just needed to follow her list and take care of the few things that were left.  Mom got up and joined us for some conversation and then some time at the dinner table but she tired easily and so went back to bed.  She rested most of the day but by evening as we prepared to leave, she was shaking.  Independently and together we all came to the conclusion that we could not leave her alone.

We weren't sure whether what she had was a simple flu bug but we were most worried about dehydration because she hadn't drank or eaten much over the past couple days.  We called a friend who is a nurse to review her symptoms who confirmed we should take her to the ER to be checked out.  This is where she was diagnosed with double pneumonia.  She is currently in the ICU and I won't go into a lot of detail here.  We have setup a CaringBridge page (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/patjasmin) because Sunday was not a good day and we all felt the need for prayers for Mom so we reached out via social media.  Mom has many friends and family and the CaringBridge page was the best way to keep everyone posted on her progress.

I myself prayed for Mom, feeling that God owed us one after last year.  I know that's not how it works, but I asked anyway.  I asked Mike and Ed to come to Mom in her sleep to calm her down so she was less anxious and her breathing would less labored.  If the two of them can't be with us, I felt that they had a purpose on the other side and now was the time to come through.

It is weird to be in the ICU.  Mom is in the exact same room that Ed was in.  Several of her nurses are the same nurses Ed had.  They remember me.  They remember Mom.  I think this calms Mom a little because she "knows" them.  I just pray that our outcome is totally different.

So we continue to pray because it is only Mom's determination and our prayers that will pull her through.  The doctors are giving her the medical treatment she needs, but the rest is up to her.  And so I will continue my prayers and I ask that you do as well.

Mom and me with her friends Donna and Sandy on Friday, Nov 21st.  Dinner before the Singing Priest Concert.

Happy Thanksgiving

Oh, I have been so neglectful at writing.  It's on my "to do" list but it ends up being the one thing I never seem to get to.  So this morning, this Thanksgiving morning, I will pause and take a moment to write.  Of course, this morning is a good day to write.  For Thanksgiving is a good time to stop and appreciate all we have to be thankful for.

As I sit here, in my warm house and I look out the window at the snow covered trees, there is a peace.  We will spend time with family today and I'm thankful for all of them, even when we get on each others nerves.  For even though we can annoy each other, we know, as we learned last year, that we can always count on each other and we'll always have each others back.  I know not all families are like that and so I recognize how lucky I am.

Since I last wrote, there have been both "good" and "bad" moments; "highs" and "lows" in my days.  I'm still trying to find that balance between being wonder woman and maintaining my sanity.  Between proving to the world that I can do it all--work full-time, maintain the house and yard, maintain relationships, volunteer, maintain a busy schedule, and keep a smile on my face--and wanting to crawl under my covers and shut out the entire world and be left alone.  What I've recently realized is that I need to find a balance somewhere in between.  To figure out what I want, what feels right to me, and not what everyone expects.  That is new to me.  To be a bit more selfish.

There are still moments when grief sneaks up on me when I'm not looking and it can still bring me to tears.  I still miss Ed more than I can express in words.  And I suppose this will never change.  What I'm also realizing is that in addition to just missing him, having him being here, is that I'm missing how he made me feel.  To have someone who was always watching out for me.  Someone who made me feel special.  Someone who loved me and cherished me and, yes, spoiled me.  Life can be lonely now.

So I find now that I devote a good portion of my time in maintaining friendships that I've made over the past year.  At times I think I spread myself too thin and so I'm beginning to figure out which of these relationships are most important to me and give them priority.

And I do, especially on this Thanksgiving, appreciate the good in my life.  For I do have many blessings and I appreciate and celebrate the joyful moments and the successes in my life.  Over the past couple weeks, I've intended to update the blog to share these moments.  But I didn't get to it, so today, I look back and want to share some of these "good" moments.

• The woman in my choir who, for no particular reason, gave me flowers just to cheer me up.  Who is always thinking of me and offering her support.  I truly, truly believe you are an angel on earth.  I cannot think of you without smiling.
• Recognizing that I was able to go to the Holiday Remembrance Service for Ed and remember him lovingly and without ending up in a ball of tears.  I met another woman there who lost her husband 5 months ago (about where I was last year) who commented on how well I seemed to be doing.  I gave her hope that she too will eventually emerge from the depths of grief.  What an eye-opener for me to recognize the change in me in a year.
• Being able to succeed at things around the house.  Although the leaf pickup did bring me to tears at times, I finished the task and before the snow fell.  In fact, I'm proud that I was ready for the first snow--storm windows up, mowers put away, snow blowers out, bird feeders up, driveway markers up. I am got outdoor Christmas decorations out so I wouldn't have to do this in the snow.
• And then silly things like successfully backing the tractor into the shed.  Not necessarily an easy feat backing that up the ramp and through the doorway.  But I did it and I smiled and I would like to think Ed was too.  I felt like wonder woman.

And now I must go outside and cleanup the snow on the driveway and decks.  Ed would have his truck out by now plowing.  I would just get in my car and drive off to Mass and when I got home it would all be done.  I won't make it to Mass this morning and I feel guilty about that.  But this is where I'm learning that I can't do it all and that is okay.  I know there will be people who will be disappointed that I will not be at Mass for the choir is singing and our numbers will already be down.  And I'm sorry that I'm going to disappoint others.  But if I don't cleanup the snow, no one will.  I do not have my husband to do it for me.  So I'm sorry I'll disappoint others.  But sometimes, I'm just one woman.  I'm just human.  I'm not wonder woman.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Perspective

Note to self....don't update the blog when you're having a meltdown!

I finished the leaf cleanup before it got dark.  I did not get everything done that I wanted yesterday and so I have more work to do today.  Hopefully I'll be productive without getting frustrated and crying.  But for now, the darn leaves are cleaned up.  I do expect one more round of cleanup before winter since there are still some leaves on the oak trees but I hope it's not as bad as yesterday.  I easily made 10 trips dragging a tarp full of leaves down into the woods yesterday.  The leaves were so deep and overwhelming and I just lost it (obviously).

Last night, though, and this morning, I do look out and am happy with how everything is cleaned up.

Perspective...it's an amazing thing!

BEFORE: Doesn't look so bad in this picture, but the piles are deep.

BEFORE: Side yard....no pictures of the other side and back yard.

AFTER: I feel so much better now.

AFTER

Tears and Leaves and Anger

It can be so overwhelming at times.  I try to be strong...to show the world, and myself, that I can do it all.  I can hold down a full-time job, maintain friendships, and take care of the house and yard.  But today it got the better of me.  The leaves in the yard are too deep.  I couldn't stay on top of them during the week due to work.  And now they are too deep to pickup with the mower.  Thankfully I have a leaf blower and so I can blow them into piles.  But they are deep.  And as I fill the tarp, at least for the fifth time, I get angry.

Angry that all the neighbors leaves seem to have collected in my yard.  Angry that I am left to do this all alone.  Angry that no one is here to help me.  Angry that others can spend their weekends and relax and do "fun" things but I am left to spend my weekends doing yard work.  Angry that no one offers to help.  Angry that others simply suggest "hire someone", like it's that simple.  Angry that I need to use my vacation time at work so that I can clean up these damn leaves.  Angry that Ed left me alone to deal with all of this.

And the anger causes the tears to flow.  And then I get angry at my weakness.  I should be thankful that I have my health and am physically able to do this yard work.  And I should be thankful that I have a job that provides me with paid vacation time.  And I should be thankful that I have that damn leaf blower and mower to help make the job easier.

But I am weak today.  And the physical labor and emotional heaviness wear me down.  So today I'm angry.  And I will use that anger to help keep pushing forward.  Because there are leaves to pickup and storm windows to put up and soon the sun will set and I will run out of daylight.  And if I don't finish my work, then I will only get more angry which just means more tears.

A vicious cycle...

Deleted

I voted last night, like so many other people.  And as I walked out of the polling place, I was struck by the moments that stab you in the heart that remind you that your loved one has passed.

That's what is so weird about grief.  It's not always some big way in which it hits you, but in so many small ways.  Yesterday, it was noticing how his name was missing from the list of registered voters.  There it was, in black and white...his name had been deleted.  There was my name, there was Dan's name.  But not Ed's.

In the past, we rarely voted together just due to work schedules.  He would go in the morning; I would go in the evening.  And when I went, and the poll worker went to check off my name, I would see his name with it's check mark that he was already there.

But last night, his name was not there.  It didn't make me sad.  It didn't make me cry.  It just was.

And I did not miss the fact that someone passes and we have this system that just takes care of removing their names from the lists of living people.  As I think back, when I needed to update the town census this past year, his name was already removed.  Deleted from many systems.  Marked as "deceased" I'm sure.

But not deleted from my heart or my thoughts or my daily living.  So many names removed from lists and the rest of us are expected to go on.  To keep living.  Which we do and which I did.  I entered the polling booth and make my choices.  And life goes on...

Happy Birthday Ed

You would have been 62 today, but you are forever 60.  You are forever my love.  You are forever in my heart.  And I miss you everyday.  Happy Birthday My Love!

And There It Is Again

It feels like a hole...in the middle of my heart.  A sense of emptiness that is difficult to describe.  A dull ache.  A pain that cannot be relieved with Tylenol.  And I don't know where it came from.  Was it falling from what could be defined as "good" moments?  That as soon as those "good" moments are over, you're reminded how lonely and empty life really is?  I wasn't dwelling on it.  I wasn't looking for it.  It just appeared.

It was a good day.  Full of sunshine and warmth, good food, and good friends and family.  But then they left and as I cleaned up the dishes and picked up the house, I wished I had more time to chat with everyone.  But then the reality that Dan would soon be leaving hit me.  Our weekends together are too short.  And as much as I love having him come home, there is pain when he leaves.  He fills the house with the void that exists without Ed.

Sure, he brings home piles of laundry and there's the evidence around the house of another person living here.  And after he leaves, I do finally readjust to the benefits of living alone.  But the transition period is difficult.

And here I am again...trying to make that transition.  As he backed his car out of the garage and drove away, the emptiness began to form in my heart.  And as I walked back into the silent house, which only hours before was filled with family and friends, the emptiness enveloped me.  And as I laid my head to rest for the night, the tears flowed again.  Relief came as sleep overtook me.  And as much as I beg for Ed to come to me in dreams, it never happens.  I wonder why that is?

But here I am again at the start of another week.  And the hole in my heart is still there.  God I miss Ed so much...still.  But the workweek must start and the distraction of work and routine will be good.  And I'll plug along and gain strength in the memory of the "good" times this weekend--time with Dan and time with friends and family.  For they do fill my life with love and goodness.  They fill that hole that is in my heart right now.  I just need to remind myself of that and the pain will soon subside.

A Rainy Fall Day

Today it is raining out.

But as I awoke this morning the bright vibrant red leaves on the tree outside my bedroom window caught my eye. And as I type this, I'm noticing the bright yellow leaves out front.  Even without the sunshine, the leaves are bright and cheerful.  And even on a rainy day, I pause and notice the beautiful fall colors.

And Dan is home and so the house if filled with activity and noise and love.

And I've done some baking and now the house is filled with the sweet, warm smells of cinnamon and apples.

A nice rainy fall day that warms my heart.

Apple Cider Mini Donut Holes

Apple Minis

Nice and warm from the oven.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday.  I have to think about how old I turned today.  52

To me that is just a number.  I'm not quite sure how I got to 52?  Wasn't I just 30?  I'm not quite sure where the years have gone.

Of course, I now know that my life has been divided into three parts:

1. the first 20 or so years of my life--as a child, growing up, and going to college.
2. the next 30+ years of my life--married to my best friend and love of my life raising our family and making a home.
3. and now the next chapter--still to be defined.

I took the day off of work today.  I wanted it to be a day to do whatever I wanted to--to go someplace, to stay home, to be open to whatever possibilities moved me at the moment.

I did start my day with a hair appointment.  The practical side of me using my time off productively.  I also had some chores around the house that I wanted to get done (can't waste available time and good weather).

But I also took some time just to relax.  I went to the Quabbin, a place Ed and I used to visit often.  It was a cool, fall day and it was peaceful.  The beauty of the fall leaves as they are beginning to turn.  The cool, crisp autumn air.  The eagle that soars overhead.

I found it was nice just to slow down and enjoy the moment.  There weren't many people there and I had the Observation tower to myself (a rare occurrence).

I made a new friend while there.  He was enjoying the day as well, simply taking a walk.  He lost his wife 4 years ago.  Another widow friend.  Is there a beacon that attracts us to each other?  We talked for a while and exchanged phone numbers and email addresses.  Small world.

The rest of my birthday was doing some work around the house.  I also picked up two bouquets of flowers.  Ed always gave me flowers for my birthday--some at work and some at home.  The red roses I picked up today represent his love for me.  The fall arrangement is similar to the many he gave me over the years when I told him to stop wasting money on roses that would not last.  Our love lasted though.  And the tradition he had of spoiling me I will continue by spoiling myself.

My favorite dinner of acorn squash is in the oven and the single serving of cake and ice cream is waiting as my evening dessert.  The shoes I ordered for myself won't arrive until later this week (poor planning on my part).  But they are my gift to myself.

For although Ed made me happy for more than half of my life and he made me feel special not only on my birthday but everyday, I can either wallow in my grief missing that or learn from it and continue these traditions.  How blessed I was to have him make me happy for so many years.  Now I need to learn to bring happiness into my life myself.

As I look back over my 52 birthdays, I realize there were only 3 when I was "alone".  My first year in college and these last two birthdays since Ed passed.

I have received many cards and wishes from friends and family.  I am loved and I am blessed.  And for that I am grateful.  It has been a good day and I'm learning how to care for myself.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Bluebirds in my yard checking out the bird house.

The bluebirds enjoying the bird bath.  There were about a half dozen of them.

Quabbin Reservoir - Enfield Lookout

Quabbin Reservoir - You can see the center of Belchertown in the distance (if you look close/zoom in).

Reminder

American Greetings and Facebook have sent me emails to remind me that Ed's birthday is coming up.  Don't they know he isn't here to celebrate birthdays with me anymore?  Don't they know I would never forget? I wonder if I can get them to send me reminders of the anniversary of his death.  I won't ever forget that either though.  But thanks for the reminder American Greetings and Facebook.  Great way to start my day (not)...

Some day...

Fall is arriving and I ponder what this means and why I even mention it.  As I face the second fall without Ed, I try to remember what about this season I always enjoyed and try to find that enjoyment once again.  I know part of it was that it was my birthday followed closely by Ed's birthday and so we would use this as our opportunity to fit in some fun day trips--to the Big E, to a local winery, to Mike's Maze--taking in the last days of good weather before we hunkered down for the winter.

Last week I decided I was going to the Belchertown Parade and Fair.  I've always enjoyed going...even if it was to walk around for just an hour.  So I made up my mind that I was going to go.  I did reach out to a friend from church asking if her and her family were going to the parade.  Well, I ended up joining them walking in the parade instead of sitting watching it.  We walked with the Knights of Columbus to collect donations and hand out tootsie rolls.  It was fun to do this with the kids--they certainly attracted donations much more than I did!  I then spent time with my friend and her family having lunch at the fair and looking at the animals.  So much fun to see the fair through the eyes of her grandchildren.  And I can even admit that I had a good time!  I am also planning to go to the Big E this year.

My point is that I'm testing the waters and returning to activities that I found pleasure in previously and that I have such fond memories of.  I try to judge whether to go alone or to go with a friend.  I'm not afraid of going alone.  I know my expectations of achieving my previous happiness is hard to achieve--Ed and I were so darn compatible that when we went to these places, we were in perfect sync in terms of how much time to spend, where to go, what we wanted to eat, etc.  So I set my expectations low and just go with it and see what happens and then learn from that.

Some things in life are becoming more natural but grief still comes and hits me when I least expect it.  I think of Ed constantly and I still question why he left me and whether I did and said the right things.  And the reasonable side of me recognizes that he did not have a choice.  And that even though I told him it was okay to leave, I know he knew I would have kept him here with me forever if that was a choice.  He was just so brave and even on his death bed, worried about me and took care of me.  And that is what I miss most.  My protector, my confidante, my soul mate, who always put me first.  I was so lucky; we were so lucky.  And I think that is why it still hurts so much.

I know there are so many things I need to be thankful for and that there are so many who have it worse.  And although it gives me perspective, it doesn't necessarily ease the pain.  Even as I write this, I remind myself that I said my goal for this 2nd year without Ed is to learn more about myself, as an individual, not as part of another half.  Because I went from being a daughter to being a wife.  But now it's figuring out who I am as an individual.

I have made it through another summer alone.  The yard was tended to, flowers were planted, and a garden came and went.  I used gas-powered mowers and trimmers and blowers and power washers without even thinking twice.  And now I'm preparing our home for another winter.  Some are dreading the winter; last winter they say was the worse and now this winter is predicted to be the same or worse.  How can it be worse?  While in a fog in the depths of grief, I made it through last winter.  There was so much I didn't know and learned.  I hope I'm stronger this year; I think I'm stronger this year. So I'm less fearful of a bad winter.  But life still surprises me and we'll see.  I can only hope.

Am I perfect?  Absolutely not?  Do I have it all down to a science?  Nope.  Do I wish Ed was still here?  Absolutely!  But I'm functioning and, dare I say, succeeding?  I go to work every day.  I'm trying to take care of myself by eating right (even cooking!) and exercising.  The house is still standing and being maintained.  And I work hard to maintain relationships with family and friends.

Someday this new life will become routine and it won't be newsworthy in a blog.  Some day....

I have gone on a couple bike rides after work on the bike path to the CT river.
 A good way to end the workday and get some fresh air (and exercise).  One of those things I'm okay "doing alone"
although I had more fun the weekend Dan and I went on a bike ride together!

New fall flowers for Ed's grave.
I wonder if there will be a time when I'll be less attentive to maintaining his grave (and I fear that).

Sunshine

What a difference a few days make.  I just got home from a terrific overnight with Dan.  Yesterday we went to Nate's to have dinner and visit with his family.  We had a great time and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Nate's parents.  On top of the welcoming company, they also prepared a great meal.  I'm sure we could have stayed much longer, but it was getting late so we had to regretfully leave.  But I smile as I recall the evening and even wished we lived closer so we could get together more often.  The conversation was easy and the company was comfortable.

I found out last night that Nate almost didn't go to Roger Williams...for some reason he delayed accepting at another school and then, during those few days, everything fell into place with Roger Williams.  And this reminds me again how one small decision can change the path our lives take.  If Nate didn't wait, if he didn't go to Roger Williams, then Dan and him would never have met and our families would not have gotten to know each other.  I feel truly blessed to know their family because they are what I like to call "good people".  So I'm thankful God guided us so that our paths could cross.  I'm confident Dan and Nate will be life-long friends and our families will remain in touch for many years to come.

So now I am back home and the laundry is in and I need to go out and mow (never ending).  But we got much needed rain yesterday and there's a cloudless blue sky today.  And I had a great day and weekend, and so I'll pause and take a moment to be grateful and relish this moment.  Because my days are not always filled with grief and sadness.  Every so often, the sun does shine through.