Some day...

Fall is arriving and I ponder what this means and why I even mention it.  As I face the second fall without Ed, I try to remember what about this season I always enjoyed and try to find that enjoyment once again.  I know part of it was that it was my birthday followed closely by Ed's birthday and so we would use this as our opportunity to fit in some fun day trips--to the Big E, to a local winery, to Mike's Maze--taking in the last days of good weather before we hunkered down for the winter.

Last week I decided I was going to the Belchertown Parade and Fair.  I've always enjoyed going...even if it was to walk around for just an hour.  So I made up my mind that I was going to go.  I did reach out to a friend from church asking if her and her family were going to the parade.  Well, I ended up joining them walking in the parade instead of sitting watching it.  We walked with the Knights of Columbus to collect donations and hand out tootsie rolls.  It was fun to do this with the kids--they certainly attracted donations much more than I did!  I then spent time with my friend and her family having lunch at the fair and looking at the animals.  So much fun to see the fair through the eyes of her grandchildren.  And I can even admit that I had a good time!  I am also planning to go to the Big E this year.

My point is that I'm testing the waters and returning to activities that I found pleasure in previously and that I have such fond memories of.  I try to judge whether to go alone or to go with a friend.  I'm not afraid of going alone.  I know my expectations of achieving my previous happiness is hard to achieve--Ed and I were so darn compatible that when we went to these places, we were in perfect sync in terms of how much time to spend, where to go, what we wanted to eat, etc.  So I set my expectations low and just go with it and see what happens and then learn from that.

Some things in life are becoming more natural but grief still comes and hits me when I least expect it.  I think of Ed constantly and I still question why he left me and whether I did and said the right things.  And the reasonable side of me recognizes that he did not have a choice.  And that even though I told him it was okay to leave, I know he knew I would have kept him here with me forever if that was a choice.  He was just so brave and even on his death bed, worried about me and took care of me.  And that is what I miss most.  My protector, my confidante, my soul mate, who always put me first.  I was so lucky; we were so lucky.  And I think that is why it still hurts so much.

I know there are so many things I need to be thankful for and that there are so many who have it worse.  And although it gives me perspective, it doesn't necessarily ease the pain.  Even as I write this, I remind myself that I said my goal for this 2nd year without Ed is to learn more about myself, as an individual, not as part of another half.  Because I went from being a daughter to being a wife.  But now it's figuring out who I am as an individual.

I have made it through another summer alone.  The yard was tended to, flowers were planted, and a garden came and went.  I used gas-powered mowers and trimmers and blowers and power washers without even thinking twice.  And now I'm preparing our home for another winter.  Some are dreading the winter; last winter they say was the worse and now this winter is predicted to be the same or worse.  How can it be worse?  While in a fog in the depths of grief, I made it through last winter.  There was so much I didn't know and learned.  I hope I'm stronger this year; I think I'm stronger this year. So I'm less fearful of a bad winter.  But life still surprises me and we'll see.  I can only hope.

Am I perfect?  Absolutely not?  Do I have it all down to a science?  Nope.  Do I wish Ed was still here?  Absolutely!  But I'm functioning and, dare I say, succeeding?  I go to work every day.  I'm trying to take care of myself by eating right (even cooking!) and exercising.  The house is still standing and being maintained.  And I work hard to maintain relationships with family and friends.

Someday this new life will become routine and it won't be newsworthy in a blog.  Some day....

I have gone on a couple bike rides after work on the bike path to the CT river.
 A good way to end the workday and get some fresh air (and exercise).  One of those things I'm okay "doing alone"
although I had more fun the weekend Dan and I went on a bike ride together!

New fall flowers for Ed's grave.
I wonder if there will be a time when I'll be less attentive to maintaining his grave (and I fear that).