Widow Learning

As I vacuum the hallway this morning and notice the pile of shoes I need to work around, the irony does not allude me.  I remember always nagging Ed to put away his shoes...the pile of easily disposed shoes in the hallway would grow.  How in the world could two people leave so many pairs of shoes in the hallway?  And so it was a constant battle to put shoes away and keep the pile in the hallway minimal.  This morning, I counted 7 pairs. Seven pairs of sneakers, shoes, and boots that belong to no one but me which means I have no one to blame but myself.

Yes, any clutter around the house, any dirt tracked into the house, any kleenex left in clothes pockets in the laundry, I now have no one to blame by myself.  I guess everything wasn't Ed's fault and I'm not as perfect as I would have liked to think!

Of course, I've learned that in my eyes, as a widow, Ed was perfect.  Over the past two years, I have only mourned all that I have lost and all the good.  And if I tell you a story about Ed, he is perfect.  He was the perfect, caring, loving husband and father and there were no faults.  Of course, anyone who has been married for 30 years knows, it really isn't like that.  And anyone who knew Ed well, knew this as well.  But Ed is still on that pedestal, two years after passing.  The reality is that any imperfections or squabbles we had were minor and so these are all pushed to the back of my memory.  It does make me laugh at times though because we weren't perfect...we were a normal, married couple.  Ed was not any more perfect than either you or I.  But I won't tell you those stories.  Ed will always be perfect in my eyes.

I also realize so much that I took for granted.  For example, this fall/winter, there have been a lot of mice I am catching in the mousetraps in the basement.  When Ed was here, I walked right by them and, when I remembered, I'd say to Ed "there's a dead mouse downstairs" never emptying the trap myself.  HA!  Jokes on me because now, if I don't empty the trap, no one else will.  And that's one of the hardest lessons I've learned...whatever needs to be done around the house, whether it's cleaning, emptying trash, fixing something...if I don't do it, it won't get done.  Ed is not here to just take care of things.  Things that used to just miraculously be taken care of.  I would go about my business without worrying about any of these things.  Something I took for granted often in our day-to-day lives.  I miss that and wish I was better at thanking him more on a daily basis.

I've also learned that I still am not comfortable using the terms "I," "me," and "mine."  The house is still "ours" and the contents are still "ours."  I frequently use "we" when referring to something I'm thinking of doing, but I tell myself that the "we" is me and Dan.

This widowhood is a strange thing and every day is a learning experience...