Saturday, March 9th, 2013 was a sunny day and I look back at my blog, this blog, and how I shared a photo of the bloom on our Hibiscus. It was bright and made me smile and was, to me, a sign that spring was coming soon. Such a good day. We were changing the clocks that evening and losing an hour, just like we'll do tonight, so I was looking forward to sleeping in, with Ed, and having a relaxing Sunday.
But the phone rang and awoke me and the shocking, unbelieveable voice of my sister said I needed to get to my mother's house. My immediate reaction was something happened to my mother, but then she said Michael's name instead and I could not wrap my head around what in the world could possibly have happened. I couldn't get dressed fast enough; I couldn't believe it. And I remember Ed getting out of bed to go with me and I remember clearly telling him he didn't have to go. He hadn't been feeling well and had been very tired, and I told him he should stay in bed. But he didn't. My loving husband who was always there for me, got dressed quickly and drove me to my mothers and stayed with us that day.
And this sticks out to me as well because it was clear he was struggling physically at that time and we naively thought it was temporary and we could work through it. But, as we know, it wasn't temporary. It was a battle that Ed was not going to win.
And so today I wonder what my brother was doing a year ago. Probably working--he loved his family at Mission Cantina--and that evening he shared a dinner with my mother like they've done so many times before. And they laughed and had a "normal" day.
I will never understand why my brother was taken from us. I am a logical person and so I try to find reasoning behind events. We all know Ed had cancer and that he wasn't going to live to an old age. However, he was doing so well and we continued to hold out hope that we would tame this beast. And although we hadn't a clue at the time, cancer ended up taking Larry's life as well. But there was nothing physically wrong with my brother. He was here one moment, gone the next. It was not a sudden accident. How does a seemingly healthy person just drop dead from a massive heart attack? I know it happens all the time, but not to my brother, not to my family.
I don't get it and I know I never will. What I do know is that my heart breaks that my brother is not here and he left my mother alone. They had a special relationship and us girls found comfort knowing Mike was there living with Mom in case she got herself into trouble (which she could easily do). This was his role in our family and he was supposed to do this until the day she passed at a ripe, old age. Mike was not supposed to die.
But he did. And Ed's health continued to deteriorate from this point forward. And so today and this weekend, I mourn Mike's passing. I love you Mike, even when you were a pain in my butt! You were and will always be my brother. Thank you for reminding us to live each day as if it were our last, with no regrets.
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