Appreciating the day; appreciating new friends

As I sit here, looking out the window, some light snow flurries are falling.  It feels so peaceful.  I have clothed myself in Ed's clothes this morning.  A light pair of gray fleece pants; one of his gray, slightly tattered, henley shirts; his black sweatshirt; and even a pair of his Hanes socks.  They are comfortable and warm.  But today's project is to paint the bathroom so that's the primary reason.  I don't really have clothes that I can ruin with paint.  So Ed's clothes are double duty--providing me with comfort and wrapping me in his love while also not worrying if I get paint on them.

In all the years we were married, I remember painting two rooms with Ed--our living room and Dan's bedroom.  The rest he took care of.  He enjoyed it and my job was to stay out of his way.  It was a good deal.  Yesterday I figured out how to remove all the bathroom fixtures and even removed a molly screw that had been in the wall since we bought the house.  And aren't you impressed that I even know what a molly screw is?  Okay, I Googled that...and I Googled how to remove it from the wall.  Took some effort but I got it out.

My life is so pathetic now though because I get excited about spackling.  I guess it's not really so much about spackling but seeing how I can fix things and I can actually see the end result.  And my emotions extend to being proud of myself for figuring this stuff out to the opposite of the spectrum of being sad that I even need to do this.  Ed is supposed to be here to do these things.  Dammit!

Last night our Support group got together for dinner.  Although we no longer "meet" we do still get together for a potluck dinner every 4-6 weeks.  I am blessed by these new friends.  It's nice that we can enjoy a meal and play games and laugh together while also being able to share if we're sad, scared, or whatever the emotion may be.  We talk about our "progress" in terms of picking up the pieces that our loved ones left behind and we congratulate each other on our small accomplishments.  As we all have approached, or will be approaching, the one-year anniversary of the passing of our loved ones, we are there to support each other in non-judgmental ways.

We fear the future and cherish the past and we help each other take each day as it comes.  As we look back a year ago, none of us knew how our lives would have changed and we realize that we have no idea or control over what our lives will look like a year from now.  So we try to enjoy the moment and cherish each day.  For this life lesson we have all learned the hard way.  We enjoyed our time together last night and made plans for our next get together.  And we remain thankful for the special people in our lives.

And again, it makes me sad and thankful at the same time.  For a year ago, my best friend was Ed and the person I spent my time with was Ed.  But today, there are now 7 people that I didn't even know a year ago, who have become my friends and my support.  I appreciate and cherish them all but I would trade them in an instant to have Ed back and I know they would as well if they could have their loved one back.  But we can't and although it saddens me, I am thankful for them and hope as time marches on, we will be able to share and celebrate together some good in our lives.