A Good Week

This week was the annual King of the Grove tournament at Pine Grove Golf Course.  Ed was (and still is) the only three-time "King" with his last crowning being in 2012.  Tradition is that the King needs to organize the event for the following year.  Before he passed, Ed asked his golf partner Mike to take over this responsibility this year and Dan volunteered to help as well.

The King of the Grove is for the Wednesday night handicap league.  Tradition has been that it is held the Wednesday after the league ends--which would have been 9/18 this year.  Because I was traveling on business and would not have been able to go on 9/18, the guys all agreed to wait until this past week (9/25) instead.  This touched my heart since they all unanimously agreed to postpone as well as did Gil and Shirley who own the course.

Wednesday was a special day.  It was a day I was looking forward to and it made me so happy.

Dan came home so he could play.  He teamed up with Ed's good friends and golf partners Mike L. and Joe A. and Mike's new partner, Rick.  And Mike's wife, Deb, agreed to collect money and keep me company.  So as Dan headed out to play 9 holes, me, Deb, Shirley, and Dagmara stayed at the clubhouse and watched the guys as they came in.

Dagmara had promised Ed she would have a Polish dinner this year in his honor and she delivered delicious pierogis and golumpkis.  The food was good, the company was good, and the guys toasted Ed several times.  Many people donated towards the raffle--Ed would be proud--this is something he helped build to what it is today.  And I met and recognized names of people Ed mentioned over the years.  How I wish he was here today to fill in the blanks for me though.

Most touching was the memorial plaque they did for Ed.  The guys in the handicap league all donated and Mike and Steve organized it and got the plaque made.  Gil found the perfect rock, mounted the plaque, and moved it to the 10th hole.  It truly brought tears to my eyes.  The words they inscribed touched my heart.  And they located this on the 10th hole because it has a beautiful view and you can see the plaque from the clubhouse.  Gil and Shirley are even taking steps to ensure that if the golf course is ever sold, our family would get this memorial.  What good, kind people.  What more could you ask for.

I wish I had gone previously to Pine Grove to meet Ed's friends.  Yes, I knew Mike and Deb and Dagmara but not the rest of them.  Gil and Shirley have been so kind to me and Dan.  And all the guys in the league have been welcoming of me.  Dan did golf with most of them last year, so he knew some of them.  But as I sat on the deck of the clubhouse watching the guys on the 18th hole, I realize I never saw Ed play golf.  How nice it would have been if I had seen him even once coming in on the 18th hole.  But Pine Grove was his place with his friends.  A place he belonged to for more years than I can count (I know it had to be at least 20 years).  And at the time, I had a million things I'd rather be doing than watching someone play golf.  If only I knew...

But I hope he was looking down at all of us Wednesday night and pleased that Dan and I were there among his friends.  I never knew how much of a "family" they all were and how much they all really, really liked Ed.  I don't think Ed realized it either.  At least, if he did, he never mentioned it to me.  I think he would be touched beyond words on what a positive and lasting impression he had on all of them.  And I know that he was happy that Dan and I were there, representing him, and making him proud.  I know this because he was always so proud of both of us and bragged about us to anyone who would listen and so I know Wednesday would not have been any different.

So rate Wednesday and this week as a good one.

Shirley's fall display outside the clubhouse wearing the King's crown.

Beautiful view from the deck of the clubhouse.

Dagmara getting the food ready.  (Don't tell her I posted this picture!)

Ed's memorial plaque on the 10th hole.

The plaque...

The foursome (Mike, Joe, Dan, and Rick) coming around on the 18th hole.

Dan

Joe

Mike

All four of them (Rick, Dan, Joe, Mike)

Sitting on the deck.  Cinnamon for some reason really liked Joe!

 

Lots of raffle prizes donated!

Johnny Pratt and Steve crowning this year's King.

2013 King of the Grove

5 Months and Counting...

Today marks 5 months since Ed passed.  And it's been about 6 months since he was last in our home.  These marks of time are just those...marks in time.  What do they mean?  I'm not quite sure except that time is marching on without Ed.  And I'm saddened to know that somehow I'm learning to live 5 months without him.  Some would say this is a good thing; to me, it's still heartbreaking.

The 6 months since he was last in our home hurts more.  I recall that evening when he went to the hospital.  Where he was sitting when the EMTs came in.  How he put on his shoes and walked out the front door where he climbed onto a stretcher and then they put him into the ambulance.  The idea that this would be the last time he was ever in our home, never crossed my mind.  I wonder if it crossed him mind at all?  Of course, he was in such pain, that I realistically know that even if it did, it wouldn't have mattered.  We both were focused on the immediate need which was to deal with whatever was the cause of his immense pain.  So today I focus on that instead, because it helps the sadness.

Of course, as I mark another milestone...another stupid point in time that I wish I wasn't counting, I have to remind myself and let you know that the past week was actually okay.  Believe it or not, the trip to Austin was good.  The biggest thing was actually being successful at making the trip and taking care of all the details I needed to in terms of leaving for a few days and packing what I needed.

Not that I haven't traveled before.  But I've had this recurring dream since Ed has passed about missing a flight (getting to the airport too late, not having my boarding pass, etc.).  If you Google this, they say it's about being overwhelmed by activities.  That certainly would define my life these past 6 months.  But taking this trip and needing to catch my flight now more significant meaning due to these dreams.  So there was some comfort in knowing that I made it to the airport in plenty of time and made all my connections and packed everything I needed.  No issues.  So maybe that specific dream will now go away!

The trip was for a Leadership Summit and being away was actually good.  I missed Ed less which doesn't mean I forgot about him, but grief did not take this trip with me which was actually nice.  Dan was terrific though in keeping in touch with me and texting me just as Ed would have done.  I am one lucky Mom!

I am now back home where I am doing things like cleaning out the garden, draining the air compressor (yes, you read that right), and replacing the seal on the garage door.  Taking care of a home is a lot of work, but I'm thankful for all the tools Ed has that enable me to do this work more easily.  There was grease under my fingernails as I went to church last night.  My, how my life has changed.  Not that I necessarily like doing all these things.  What I like is knowing that I'm stepping up to the plate to take care of these things and I would like to think Ed would be proud of me.

Riding the Tram at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport

The view of Austin from my hotel room.

Room service the first night.  Yes, a burger and fries!

Pool area at the hotel where I relaxed before dinner Tuesday night.

View of Manhattan from the plane on the way home.

Replaced the summer flowers with Mums for fall.

Telling His Story

I'm sorry I haven't written in the past week.  This past Monday I left on a business trip to Austin TX and last Wednesday was my introduction of Ed to my support group.  And I was an emotional wreck last week.  I don't know whether it was going through pictures and getting ready for my support group "presentation" or if it was the trip to Austin.  Either way, I was attributing my nerves being on edge and the bouts of tears each evening as I went to bed to these two events.

My sharing and introduction of Ed to the support group went well although I think I talked too long.  I really don't know what time I started, but his story flowed through the support of pictures.  Below is one I had come across from an old slide.  It was one my mother had taken when they first opened Amherst Tire.  It was when I fell in love with Ed. This picture evokes such warm memories of that time.  Gosh it seems so long ago, which I guess it was since it was over 30 years ago.

As I told Ed's story there are two things that stood out for me:  (1) Ed was multi-talented and lived his life.  From his interest in sports, coaching, gardening, home improvement, auto mechanics, cooking, loving his nieces and nephews, etc.  He had diverse interests and did a lot of things.  How I pale in comparison.  (2) My one point of tears as I told Ed's story was talking about Dan's graduation from college.  This was one of Ed's happiness moments.  Sure I could say he was happiest when we married or when Dan was born.  But what stood out for me, through the story of his life, was how proud he was of Dan when he graduated from RWU.  For Ed always wanted better for Dan.  He wanted to provide him with all those things he felt were missing in his life--a stable, happy childhood, a loving family, a good education.  And Dan's graduation was the culmination of these things.

And, more importantly, when Ed was first diagnosed, he never thought he'd live to see this milestone.  So when we reached this milestone it was not only how proud he was of Dan and all he accomplished and that Dan went further than either me or Ed, it also marked for Ed a moment he wished to live for.  I did not see it as that at the time and as I look back, I realize his body was tired then, but you would never have seen that on his face in any of the pictures from the graduation or the party afterwards.

The fact that Ed was then able to live on to see Dan land his first job in architecture and get his own apartment is like icing on the cake.  I didn't realize it at the time, but now I see it clearly.  Sure, I would have wished he could have seen Dan get married and have children...wouldn't those have been better "icing on the cake"?  But when you set your goals so high, they become unobtainable and you set yourself up for disappointment and failure.  So instead, you set smaller, more reasonable goals.

Ed had set a goal for this year to play golf this summer.  He played golf every summer so one might consider that a pretty lame goal but Ed knew it was not.  He didn't achieve that goal.  But he was smart enough to know to set these smaller goals which were more reasonable. And on the path of life, as you target and achieve each goal, you set a new one.  And with each one you obtain, you celebrate your success while continuing to move forward.  Little by little, step by step, you make great strides.

Of course, as I write this...we all, at some level, know this.  But Ed lived it.  Did I remember to tell the support group he was a wise man too?

Wanting Just One More

Today is a sad day...for no particular reason or for many small reasons.  I'm not quite sure.

I've been functioning the last few days.  Keeping busy with my forever present "to do" list.  But each evening the last few days I have cried myself to sleep and today there is a general sadness enveloping me and tears come at a drop of a hat.

Of course I always try to analyze these things and try to put my finger on exactly what is triggering these emotions at this particular time.  Is it that yesterday was 6 months since Mike's passing? Is it because I'm pulling together notes and pictures to "introduce" Ed to my support group tonight?  Is it because it's the 12th anniversary of 9/11?  Could it be my upcoming business trip?  I don't know.  But what I do know, is that with grief there does not have to be anything specific or in particular.  It just is.

I find myself longing for Ed's touch, Ed's voice, Ed's presence...but it's not here.  I feel as though I am already forgetting these physical aspects of him.  Sure I have pictures that remind me of our time together.  But his voice, his touch, his presence feels like it is becoming more distant and this scares me.  It's been less than 5 months.  How can I hold onto these memories for my lifetime?  The "big" memories, I'm not worried about forgetting--the milestones of our lives are engraved in my memory and are captured in pictures to help me remember.  But I so fear losing the memories of these small, personal details.

This man had such an impact on my life for 31 years...more than half my life.  I know, I am blessed to have had this time, to have this love.  I was so lucky.  But it makes my heartache so much greater.

Unfortunately, life goes on and so must I.  But what I wouldn't give to have one more kiss, one more hug, one more feeling of the touch of his hand.  I love you Ed and miss you so.

My Final Gift for the Two of Us

I hope Ed would be pleased...

(This was just put in yesterday and I didn't think about brushing off the dirt before taking this picture.  Oh well...next time.)

Summing Up Your Life in 15 Mins

Last night was my Support Group and I was scheduled to "introduce" Ed to the group.  It is what we're all doing.  We all take a turn to introduce our loved one to the group.  Although we all were a bit apprehensive about it, it has been really nice to learn about the person each of us has lost.  I pulled together my notes this past weekend in terms of what I wanted to share about Ed.  How do you sum up someone's live and essence in 10-15 mins?

What I realized is that there was so much I wanted to say about Ed.  He took such good care of me and Dan--both physically and emotionally.  In some sense, he spoiled both of us, making sure both of us had what he didn't have growing up--both in terms of a loving home and affection and also buying us whatever we desired whether it was a simple bag of chocolates or a new computer or car.  Anyone who knows us, knows we were extravagant so it wasn't the dollar amount, but the gesture and thought.  I know for me, he made all my dreams come true.  There was not a single thing I felt I really needed that I didn't have.

But Ed also had so many talents and interests.  He took care of the home and was the one to do any type of decorating whether it was painting or wallpapering or even how to arrange a room.  He had strong opinions about this, but also had a talent and eye for what he liked (and thankfully I liked what he liked!).  He took care of the yard and not just mowing, but planting flowers and creating flower beds--he just had a knack for that.  And then he took care of all home repairs or home improvement projects whether it was building a deck, replacing sliders, or basic plumbing or electrical.  He didn't believe in hiring someone for something he felt he could do himself.  Of course, he was also a procrastinator and a perfectionist so once he finally did get around to a project, it usually took him longer than expected and then frequently there was one final detail to finish that would not get done.

But then he also loved cooking and attracting birds and shopping, especially buying clothes for me and his nieces.  And he liked sports--both watching and participating.  Whether it was watching NFL every Sunday or playing golf every Wed or coaching when Dan was younger.

What I realize as I try to summarize this life is that he was multifaceted and had so many talents and interests that I took for granted.  I'm sure I spent more time reminding him of all the things he wasn't doing instead of recognizing all the things he was doing.  Unfortunately, now that he is gone, I more clearly appreciate all he did in so many ways.

I know we both contributed to our marriage, our family, our home and we found a balance that worked for us and I do recognize that I took care of certain things as well in this partnership.  But I definitely pale in comparison.

I did not "present" to the Group last night.  The two people who went before me ended up taking more than the 15 mins...which has now become a pattern.  So two of us have been deferred to next week.  The good news is that now I know it's okay if I go over the 15 mins because I find I have a lot to say about Ed!  And how nice that he lived a full life and that I need this extra time to tell his story.  And I hope when he passed, when his life passed before his eyes, he recognized this as well and smiled...

Unique and Devastating Loss

A friend shared the following and it rings so true that I needed to capture and share it...

" . . . it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned. "

"Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future."

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.

September Begins

I can't believe September is here.  September used to be one of my favorite months.  The nights get cooler, the leaves begin to turn, and the many fall fairs begin (such as the Belchertown Fair and the Big E).  My calendar is currently filling up with something every Mon-Thurs of the month already.  It will be a busy month for sure.

Dan came home this weekend, so that's a good start to the month!  We had a great weekend that went way too quickly.  I am reminded how blessed I am to have him in my life and I thanked Ed again this evening for giving me such a wonderful son.

One of the things we did this weekend was make pesto and sun-dried tomatoes using basil and tomatoes from our garden.

Grape tomatoes in our garden.

Cukes, tomatoes, and basil from the garden.

Making the pesto.

The finished product!

And, although the beginning of last week was very difficult, things were better mid-week.  Wednesday in our Support Group, three members of our group introduced their loved one to us.  They were nice stories and it was good to hear about the person they lost.  I never would have thought I would join a support group, but these folks are all terrific and I look forward to seeing them each week.  I hope we stay in touch once the group ends.

Thursday night was the get together of what we're now calling our "Supper Club".  This is a group of three, now four, woman who have lost a loved one.  It was a nice evening of good food, good drink, and good company.  We laughed, we cried, we shared.  The newest member of our group lost her husband in June and I can so relate to what she's going through.  The circumstance of her husband's passing is different, but our grief is not.  I enjoyed our evening together, but how sad the circumstances that have brought us all together.

"Supper Club" beverages

Today I spent time pulling together my notes and pictures to introduce Ed to the Support Group on Wednesday.  Naturally, this task brought tears to my eyes and conjured up questions and doubts about Ed's illness and death, but thankfully Dan was here to talk me through it.  Again, how blessed I am to have him.

Oh, and did I tell you I have two new "pets" that I acquired on vacation?  The kids all participated in the Hermit Crab Races at the Purple Ape.  Their mothers said that if any of them won, they could not keep the crabs and would have to give them away.  So I volunteered to take them.  Well, out of hundred of entries, Matt won!  HA!  Joke's on me!  So now instead of talking to Priscilla and Brown Bear (remember them?), I can talk to Stefan and Polly!