Seasons Change

Thankfully the heat wave has broken. The evenings and mornings are now cool requiring a light sweatshirt. A sure sign that fall is arriving without needing to look at the calendar. Looking at the calendar though I see it's already September 5th. How can we already be 5 days into September?

Time continues to tick away way too quickly. I wanted to fill the long summer days with all kinds of adventures. Although as I look back, I spent time mourning the loss of a dear friend. There was the shock and grief of his passing. But then there was the impact that loss had both in terms of church-related activities and in rebuilding relationships with church-related friends where we'd become lax in making time for each other.

I am grateful that I was also able to spent time away at the beach with family and friends. A true escape from the daily grind. I can sit for hours just watching the waves on the shore, soaking in the sunshine on my face. Yes, there were still lonely moments, even when surrounded by many people. I am more attuned to the people around me--the young, innocent families with children, large family groups, and couples enjoying the day. It seems everyone walking on the beach is a couple. I see them laughing and am glad they are enjoying each other. I'm sure that's what it used to look like when Ed was here. Our happy family or the two of us walking on the beach together. I walk alone now and the tears still come but less frequently. But the ocean still brings me peace and I feel at home there.

But summer is over and fall is starting to make its appearance. My 4th summer, my 4th fall without Ed. I have always loved the fall--fall fairs, foliage, our birthdays. These are now replaced with a struggle to keep up with leaf raking and preparing the house for winter. There is less time for fairs and also no one to go with. Sure I could ask friends, but it is not the same.

Time marches on. Seasons change. I'm working hard at living life even when I don't want to. And I have been blessed with rekindling some old friendships and making some new ones these past few months. I am still blessed by having the most thoughtful and caring son who is my reason to keep plugging along each day. I know to be thankful for all the gifts in my life and I truly am. I just miss Ed so damn much it hurts and I still struggle to navigate this new life of mine and there are some days that I just don't like it and want to give up.  Maybe someday it will get easier; or maybe not.  Only time, and the changing of seasons, will tell...