Jigsaw Puzzles

Here I am again...another quiet Sunday morning.  How I love Sunday mornings...except for the one when I got the call that my brother passed away.  The 5th sadiversary of his passing is coming up next weekend and the memories of that day, that moment, that phone call, early Sunday morning replay in my mind clearly.

The memories are still hard to believe. That he is gone. That Ed is gone. That Larry is gone. The coming days and months will not be easy as I remember each of them and this milestone sadiversary.  I don't know what it is about 5 years.  It seems like yesterday; it seems like a lifetime ago. I wonder if the past ever existed or was it something I dreamt up in my head. It is the actual photographs around the house and tucked in photo albums that confirm for me that it was all real.  Another life....another time...another me.

But this Sunday morning is not to mourn those I lost and miss. No, this Sunday morning, as I sit with my strong cup of coffee and glance out the window at a cool, gray March day, I can see the promise of spring.  The hope of new life.

As I said before, my resolution for 2018 was to learn to live again and open my heart again.  Over the past 5 years, I have been blessed to meet some of my best friends.  I don't know what I would do without them and I never intend to find out.  They are there to laugh and share good times and they are there to lift me up when needed. We support each other through this crazy thing we call life. They are my rock and my foundation and keep me grounded. I've said it before...Ed was my everything "before".  Now my "after", I'm learning to allow others to fill in that "everything" in different ways.

As I'm navigating and venturing into unchartered waters, my friends are my anchor and they help bring me back to shore. I recall many years ago....5 to be exact....when I referred to the roller coaster of emotions during Ed's final weeks.  These past few weeks have also been a roller coaster of emotions, but different ones.  There has been laughter, smiles, tears, heartache, closeness, and adventure, all bundled up together. I still don't like roller coasters and so I'm trying to get off and take a slower ride...maybe a nice sail on quiet waters.

Just like the jigsaw puzzle that is on my dining room table, I'm trying to fit together the pieces of my life. But it takes time and with patience things come together and the picture becomes clearer...