Widowbago Day!

This morning I woke up early.  The sun was shining in my bedroom window and the sky is a bright clear blue and I'm excited.  Today I'm hosting a "widowbago".  What is a widowbago?  It's a social gathering of widows/widowers who have met via an online community board.  There are people from all over the world on the board and people spontaneously host a "bago" which is basically a time and place for anyone in the area to get together. The word comes from "Winnebago" and the idea of traveling to places far and near and is shortened to "Bago".

I've been to a few "Bagos".  My first one, I went with my friend Cathy and I didn't know anyone else there. But by the end of the day, I had made some new friends and, in fact, one of my closest friends now, I met at that first Bago.  These have been held at other's houses, wineries, restaurants...and they are just so relaxing and fun.  Hanging with others who get our crazy, wid life.

So today, I'm hosting one.  I wish there were more who could make it, but that's what happens with a Bago.  You pick a date and time and those who can make it, can.  Those who can't, we'll miss.  I'm looking forward to this relaxing day, just hanging out and sharing food and drink and laughing with a great group of people.

And I need this...  This past month has been tough and I can't really put my finger on why.  There are a couple things I will attribute it to whether it's true or not.  First, being at three years has filled me with sorted feelings.  At three years, I realize what I'm missing most now is the life that Ed and I had and the life we thought we'd have as we grew old.  Yes, I still miss Ed, but my grief is more for what I have lost without Ed, without my partner, without my lifelong companion.  The idea of living the rest of my life alone is scary and I realize it is something I don't necessarily want to do.

Work has also been very busy and stressful and has really made it difficult for me to find the work/life balance I was getting good at.  Each day, each week...I keep trying to find it and hope that it will come.  So far, it is alluding me but I have hope that at some point, soon, things will become more manageable.

I have also been dealing with a muscle strain that has prevented me from exercising.  It fact, early on, walking was difficult. So simply walking outside to enjoy any fresh spring air was not possible.  Working in the yard was almost impossible. Since January I had been jogging 3 miles daily on my treadmill and today I'm lucky if I can walk 2 miles each day. Yes, I'm getting better and on the road to recovery, but this injury has slowed me down tremendously and, for several days, even stopped me totally.  Not having this physical exercise I realize is impacting my mental health as well.

But today, I'm happy and excited.  And just as I write this, the cardinals are once again outside my window.  The male and female, together.  And they make me smile.  I'm looking forward to hosting my first "bago" and having my "wid" friends here at the house, filling these walls with love and laughter.

Today is starting off as a good day and I will capture this moment, because the mood can so easily change, without notice, without intent.