Grayness

I sit here wondering what to post.  I would like to post a message full of happiness and hope and glee.  But it's been a hard winter and as I look out the window, it is rainy and gray this morning and so my thoughts are "gray" as well.

The "grayness" of life just seems to surround me lately.  Part of it is because of the hard winter.  We all faced it.  The snow and cold was unrelenting.  And as I type this I realize I'm referring to the winter in past tense--evidence that I'm quite confident it is now behind us and spring will come.

My mother's illness also added to the "grayness" of this winter.  It has been a very difficult 3+ months.  Obviously most difficult for her as she was on the brink of death.  Yes, I said it and admit it, but she knows.  I am grateful that she fought to get out of the ICU and I'm grateful that she has made tremendous improvement over the past month and she continues to get stronger every day.  A month ago, I wasn't so sure.  Yes, she was no longer at death's door, but I truly wondered if she would ever become semi-independent.  But she's a fighter and although her body has been weak, her will and fight and determination is amazing.  She continues to be an example for me.  She lost my father over 25 years ago and she has marched on.  And this should give me the drive and determination to follow in her footsteps.  Some days it does.  Other days I'm just reminded that I don't want that.  I don't want to be strong and independent and determined.  I want Ed back.

But that won't happen and I can either wallow in my misery or continue to pull myself out of bed every morning and face the day.  I so long for the simpler days of my life.  But that all changed two years ago.  Two years ago on March 10th, Michael passed suddenly and death came to our door and remained until it took Ed and then Larry.  Two years later, the pain is still there and raw and I fight now to move through the valley of death once again reliving those moments and emotions.  The grayness of my life...

But it is not blackness.  The gray will turn bright...maybe not today but maybe tomorrow.  The sun will rise and the warmth and blue sky will greet me and I will recognize the joy and blessings in my life.  The family and friends I have, especially the new friends I have met through our common grief.  They are most precious to me.  So today is a gray day, but life is busy and things must get done and time marches on.

The sun will come out tomorrow...