Tiring Week

It's Friday and I've (almost) made it through the week. It's been a long, busy, tiring week and I'm looking forward to maybe sleeping in tomorrow (watch me wake up at 5:30).  Last night after work I went to one of my committee meetings.  I was struggling trying to decide if I could/should go and I did it which was a major accomplishment because I also worked late.  The first week of the month has typically been a busy week and this week was no exception, it's just that it took so much more out of me.

I realize I need to pace myself.  Time home after work is important and I need to find a routine for having dinner, getting small things done around the house, and then just finding time to relax.  Working late and then rushing to an evening event and not getting home until 9 or 10 and then not getting to bed until 11:30 or so is too exhausting.  So that will be my goal for next week.

I did have a nice lunch out yesterday with a colleague and friend. That was time well spent and my leftover lunch was also my dinner (bonus!)!

Last night I called Ed's cell phone just so I could hear his voice on his voicemail.  On one hand, how crazy is that?  On another, how lucky I am to even have this very short recording of his voice.  I wish I had more.

And once again, last night, was another night of tears and crying.  I don't get it.  I mean, I do get that I miss Ed and grieve the loss of him, but the tears are irrational and they just come and I can't control them.  During the daylight hours, I can more easily turn my thoughts to the positive and all that Ed and I shared and that I'm lucky to have had. But when the darkness of night comes and the quiet of evening envelopes me, the silence is deafening and my thoughts are consumed by this darkness and I can't control my sadness, my tears, and my longing for Ed.  And as quickly as this sneaks up on me, my thoughts will suddenly settle, and I will begin to rest and fall asleep.  I don't like this pattern and I want it to end, but then again, when it does, I'm sure I'll be sad because it will be a sign that I am adjusting to life without Ed.

As I finish writing today's entry, I'm looking out the window and I'm smiling because the female cardinal is at the feeder, the bluebirds are flying back and forth to their birdhouse, and there are five (yes, 5!) bright yellow goldfinches as well. Seeing these beautiful birds make me smile because Ed loved attracting these birds. What a simple and beautiful gift from God for me to enjoy.