Talking to No One

A full day of work today and there were moments when my brain was actually engaged and I felt useful.  I didn't leave the office until just before 6 PM.  I want to be careful that I don't stay at work too late.  It's been busy the past few months and the fact that Ed was home helped ensure I didn't stay in the office too late.  Now it would be easy to stay in the office, be absorbed by work, and avoid coming home.  I realize this is not healthy and so I need to learn to leave at a reasonable hour.  Also, there are things I now need to do around the house, things Ed typically took care of.  There is no way I can do everything over the weekend, so I need to be sure I'm using my weeknights productively.

Tonight was not productive and I did not prepare myself a reasonable dinner (does leftover pizza and snacks count as a dinner?).  So I definitely need to do better tomorrow.  Of course, Dan will be home tomorrow night so that will be extra nice.

During the evening I keep my mind occupied by watching TV and trying to pick shows that are light and fun.  I knew I was in trouble when I actually turn to "The Brady Bunch" (how innocuous can you get?), but I guess I'm not that bad off since I could only tolerate that for a couple minutes and then I turned to Reba (which is fun and light).

There was a moment mid-day today where my thoughts turned to Ed and I missed him and wanted so badly to pickup the phone and call or text him.  But I couldn't call him and it made me very sad and still does.  I know many of you have told me to call you whenever I need to.  But it's not the same.  I wanted to talk to Ed.  He is the one I talked to every day--about little things or even about nothing.  That person I shared everything with, every day for over 31 years.  And he always understood what I was trying to say and he always knew the right thing to say or not to say--sometimes I just needed him to listen.

I know I am not the only person in the world who lives alone--I'm not the first and I'm not the last.  The adjustment is just going to take some time.  So for now, I talk out loud to no one or I talk to Priscilla and Brown Bear.

As I'm learning to move forward, you can see that I'm becoming quite boring again.  My life was boring for so long and I guess it's a good things if I become boring once again.

In the meantime, though, I will continue to identify something everyday that I'm thankful for.  Today, I am thankful for my job.  Work is such a larger portion of my life and the routine and friendly colleagues provides a level of stability and support that I need.  My job also provides me with the security I need to know I'll be all right financially without Ed.  And it provided Ed with the health care he needed and I'm extra thankful that all the claims (including the 6-digit one from Ed's first 2 weeks in the hospital) are currently "approved".  Not that they shouldn't be, but it is certainly a source of comfort when I see the status change from "pending" to "approved"!