Trip to DC - Final Day & Happy Birthday Dan!

Monday, May 12th - Happy 26th Birthday Dan!!

Our final day in DC.  Our flight was not until 4 PM, so we have a good portion of the day to spend in DC.  We originally didn't have anything planned but decided to walk down to see the Lincoln Memorial and the Vietnam Memorial in the daylight.  We then walked over to see the Korean Memorial in the daylight and it was not the same at all.  If you ever go, be sure to see that one at night.

We really didn't have anything else planned so we walked towards the Washington Monument and happened upon the ceremonies for the reopening of the Monument.  We knew they were being held Monday morning but it really wasn't on our agenda that we had to be there.  But since we happened upon it, we stayed and watched the ceremonies (and saw Al Roker who was the master of ceremonies) and then went up to the Washington Monument where you could now go up to the base (it was blocked off before).  We couldn't actually go into the Monument because tours didn't start until 1 PM and we needed to head to the airport shortly after that.

We then decided to hit a museum.  Dan's choice--Air & Space Museum.  We spent a couple hours there and saw pretty much everything we want to see before we had to head to the airport.

Overall a great trip!  We saw a lot.  Did a LOT of walking!  And also learned that we pretty good travel companions!

It was a great way to celebrate and share Mother's Day and Dan's birthday.  Wonder what we'll plan for next year?

Vietnam Memorial

Lincoln Memorial

Al Roker Hosting the Re-opening Ceremony for the Washington Monument

Me at the Base of the Washington Monument

Dan at the Air & Space Museum

Trip to DC - Day 3

Sunday - Happy Mother's Day!

Today we planned to go to the 9/11 Memorial at the Pentagon and then Arlington Cemetery.  It was a HOT day...in the 90s and humid!

We took the Metro to The Pentagon.  It would have been nice to tour the Pentagon but you need to get tickets months in advance (since security clearance is needed and there are no tours on weekends)--oh well, next time.  The 9/11 Memorial is on the back side of the Pentagon and so you need to walk quite a ways around the building to get to it.  There are many signs posted around the building itself stating "no photos".  However we were able to take photos once we got to the Memorial.

This Memorial was very moving as well.  The design was incredible--very simple but moving.  There was a bench for each person who perished at this site and the benches were arranged based on whether the person perished was in the Pentagon or on the plane and they where arranged by year of birth as well as angled on the path the plane took into the building.

From there we took the Metro to Arlington Cemetery.  Because it was so hot and humid, Dan I agreed to take the tour trolley to get around.  First stop was the JFK and family grave site followed by the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and then to the top of the hill to Arlington House.

We had originally considered walking back across Arlington Memorial Bridge to see the Lincoln Memorial in the daytime, but because of the heat we came up with a new plan to take the Metro to Penn Quarter where we walked over to the Spy Museum.  We spent a few hours there--we really enjoyed it.  Lots of interesting stuff to take in.  We then walked around National Mall and by the Smithsonians and then took the Metro back to our hotel.  Our plan was to go out again in the evening to see the White House at night which we did and then stopped for a quick dinner afterwards.

9/11 Memorial @ The Pentagon

Arlington Cemetery

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

White House

Trip to DC - Day 2 (Evening)

Going back to the hotel to rest proved to be a good idea.  We headed back out around 8 PM and we had a lot more energy and our legs and feet were feeling better.

I had contemplated taking one of the tours for "Monuments at Night" but I'm so glad we didn't.  First, we would have needed to be at Union Station by around 7 PM.  Dan and I both felt that was too early since it didn't even get dark until around 8:30 PM.  Plus, they would drop you off at a Monument and you could spent about 15-20 mins there and would need to reboard their bus.  What I know about myself and it is true for Dan as well, is that we don't want to feel rushed. We like to have our own timetable and be able to spend at little or as much time in a place as we want.  Another reason we are good travel companions.

We decided to walk towards George Washington University to find someplace to sit down and have a nice dinner.  We had one place in mind but when we got there it was extremely crowded so we continued walking and happened upon Bertrucci's.  I know, not a DC landmark, but as Dan said, we didn't come to DC to eat.

After dinner, we walked to the Lincoln Memorial.  As we walked through the park on our way, a fox came out and crossed the path and took us quite by surprise.  I'm sure we scared it as well because it kept on it's way but that was startling to see!

We spent quite a long time at the Lincoln Memorial taking in the views, taking pictures and thinking what it was like when Martin Luther King, Jr., stood there and gave his "I Have a Dream" speech with the crowds below filling the lawn around the reflecting pool.  It was quite a sight.

From the Lincoln Memorial we headed towards the Tidal Basin and came upon the Korean War Memorial. Now that was something else to see for the first time at night!  We just happened upon this large statue standing in the grass which took us a bit by surprise until we realized it was the Korean Memorial.  Seeing this memorial at night was quite moving.

We continued towards the Tidal Basin and stopped at the MLK Memorial.  Quite impressive at night and reading his quotes along the wall was moving as well.  At this point it was close to 11:30 at night.  We continued our walk over the Kutz Bridge and it was here that both Dan and I commented how much energy we had for so late at night and all the walking we were doing.  It was also kinda funny how comfortable we were walking around that late at night.  There were people around, but not that many.  Of course, walking around with a 6'3" man makes you feel much safer!

We took time to view the Jefferson Memorial and then headed back in the direction of our hotel stopping at the Washington Monument as well.  By now the White House was dark though (lights out at 11 PM) so we would have to try to see that another evening.  It was certainly quite a sight to see all these monuments at night and I would highly recommend it for anyone going to DC.

Lincoln Memorial

View from Lincoln Memorial across Reflecting Pool

Korean War Memorial

Martin Luther King Jr Memorial

Jefferson Memorial

Washington Monument

Trip to DC - Day 2

Saturday was the "rainy" day for our trip.  The other days were forecasted to be hot and humid (in the upper 80s and 90s).  Dan had written to Elizabeth Warren's office and got us Capitol tour tickets for Saturday.  Our plan for the rest of the day was to do "indoor" tours because of the weather forecast.

So we got up, had breakfast, and took the Metro to the Capitol.  Two side notes--1) Ed, Dan, and I are ones who do not mind the "free" continental breakfast.  We are not big breakfast eaters and we always felt that we could eat a decent breakfast and that would hold us to dinner (maybe with some snack in between if needed).  And that is what Dan and I did here as well.  It's the small things like this where we are similar that sure makes traveling easy.  2) Dan was the master of the Metro.  By later in the 2nd day, I was understanding it as well.  But Dan doesn't even have to think about it.  He was the one that navigated the T to Logan and then the Metro in DC to our hotel.  In fact, when I kept looking at the map and reading the signs, we would laugh at me because it just came natural to him.

Okay, back to our trip.  We arrived at the Capitol building well before our scheduled tour.  We walked around outside and I was most impressed, and appreciative, that Dan agreed to pose in front of the Capitol and let some random stranger take our picture.  This is one of my favorite photos of the entire trip!

Since we toured on Saturday, the House and Senate was not in session but we did get to see the typical Capitol Tour.  We also spent some time in the Visitor Center which had small models of the Capitol and Capitol Hill and how it changed and expanded over the years. We found that to be very interesting.

From the Capitol we took the tunnel to the Library of Congress, Thomas Jefferson Building.  We were both quite impressed with the architecture.  I mean, we've seen this type of architecture in Italy, but to see it here in the US, is something else.  While we viewed the Main Reading Room, we recalled scenes from the movie National Treasure where they searched this room for a document.

Thankfully while in the Capitol and Library of Congress we missed a downpour.  As it drizzled, we walked over to the Supreme Court but then it started to rain more so we walked (swiftly) over to Union Station where we planned to grab a late lunch and sit out the rain.  That planned worked out perfectly and by the time we finished our lunch it had stopped raining and we walked over to The National Archives.

The National Archives was one of the other few things on our list of things to do.  We then spent several hours there and thoroughly enjoyed our time in particular viewing the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.  Between the Capitol and the National Archives, it really brought back the history of our country.

One of the other things I had on my list that I really wanted to do was see the monuments at night.  So Dan and I decided to head back to our hotel, rest up since our feet were getting sore/tired, and then we would head out later in the evening to grab something to eat and view the monuments at night.

Capitol Dome

Library of Congress - Jefferson Building - Main Reading Room

Supreme Court

Union Station

Trip to DC - Our Adventure Begins

Dan and I decided we wanted to take a trip over a long weekend and we decided on Washington DC.  Dan had never been there, it was something we talked about doing when he was younger but never did, and I had only been once in high school and I remember more about hanging out with my friends, then actually seeing DC!

So we decided we would go as a combination Mother's Day/Dan's birthday gift.

On Thursday evening, May 9th, I drove out to Dan's apartment after work.  We then left Friday morning, taking the T from Waban into Logan.  We then flew from Logan to Reagan National Airport.  The direct flight from Logan was less expensive than taking a train and they had flights to/from about every hour, so it was also very convenient.

Leaving Waban

We had a short list of those things we definitely wanted to do/see.  Obviously, the various monuments and Dan secured tickets for tours at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving for Friday and a Capitol tour on Saturday.  Our only other plan was The Pentagon and Arlington Cemetery on Sunday.  Otherwise, our schedule was pretty flexible which we both liked.

Arriving at Reagan National Airport

When we arrived at Reagan Airport, we took the Metro to our hotel.  We stayed at the Hampton Inn on H street--a block from the Metro and 2 blocks from the White House.  Good price, easy access to everything, and continental breakfast included.  Once we checked our bags, we headed out to begin our adventure of DC.

First stop was the White House.  We then walked across The Ellipse to the Washington Monument.  We then had time to kill before our tour at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving so we walked up to Federal Triangle and found a nice restaurant, Aria's, to sit and have a nice lunch at.  Did I mention that it was like 85 degrees?  After lunch we then made our way to the Bureau of Printing and Engraving.  When we first decided to go to DC, this was on our "must do" list and we weren't disappointed.  It was very interesting.

We then headed down towards the Tidal Basis.  We thought about paddle boats, but it was hot out and the Basin was MUCH bigger than I had thought.  In fact, DC was much larger than it looked on maps.  I thought we could easily walk here and there.  And we did, but distances were much greater than originally thought.

So we skipped the paddle boats and instead walked over to the Jefferson Monument.  While there, we sat and watched the Presidential helicopter take off from the White House.  We hung out and did some people watching, watched planes landing at Reagan, and hoped to see the helicopter return with the President that didn't happen.

We then headed back towards our hotel stopping at the World War II Memorial on our way.  One thing we learned quickly is that there are no places to eat around the White House/National Mall (unless you want an ice cream from a truck).  So we continued our walk north through Foggy Bottom and happened upon a pizza joint (Custom Fuel) just a block from our hotel.  There we picked up two custom, personal-sized brick oven pizzas and took those back to our hotel room.  After all the traveling and walking around on Day 1, we were exhausted and so had our pizza and crashed early that evening.

White House - North Lawn

Dan - White House - South Lawn

Me - White House - South Lawn

Jefferson Memorial
The planes were so low as they approached Reagan National Airport.

The Presidential helicopter

Zooming into the White House from the Jefferson Memorial.

World War II Memorial

WWII Memorial

And the beats goes on...

That about sums up the last week.  I continue to have a long list of "to do's" and as the weather is getting nicer (well, at least some days), this list now includes yard work.  I am, though, enjoying the fresh, crisp spring air and it feels so good to be outside after such a long, cold winter.

This past week I signed up to participate in Relay for Life.  I feel I need to find a good cause and invest some time and energy in helping to battle our fight against cancer.  Is this the cause I will stick with in the coming years?  I don't know.  But it's something I can do right now and so I'll make this commitment.  I had met a woman back in March who is a team captain and whose daughter is currently fighting cancer.  So it was easy to find a team to be part of.  If you have any interest in donating to my team, my personal page can be found here:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=59473&pg=personal&px=36937512

I continue to find happiness and appreciation in small things.  This past week I had dinner with "G" and it was nice to catch up and also be able to talk about Ed freely and not avoid the mention of his name.  That was really nice.  I also had dinner with "M" and then we went to see the movie "Heaven is for Real".  Of course, the book is better, but they did a good job making the book into a movie which was not an easy thing to do.

Thank you "K" for your hugs and kind words this past week as well.  You are such a special person and I hope you know that.  Know how much I appreciate your thoughtful words and kind gestures.  I'm saving those protein bars for my next 5K!  And lucky me had Dan, Nate, and Matt here for the weekend.  They are such good guys and are so good to me.

So I've clearly gotten over "my mood" and I can better appreciate the good in my life.  Yes, there is still sadness and I know we're approaching the anniversary of Larry's passing and I'm saddened when I see Kay's children cleaning out her house.  But I'm able to keep functioning; to keep moving forward.

I have made it through the first year.  This does not mean I'm over my grief.  I feel I'm now moving into the next phase which I feel is figuring out who I am and what my life is.  This past year has been about surviving.  Now I need to figure out how to begin living again and defining who I am.  I'm not afraid of this.  I am determined and I have made a commitment to myself that I will do what I feel is right, what I want to do, and not necessarily what others think is "right" or what they expect me to do.  Yes, year 2 is about being a bit selfish.  It's about me.  Year 2 has begun and I'm less afraid...

Dan, Nate, Matt--I love these guys!

Spring has arrived!  My little memory garden.

Disappointed

As I analyze my feelings from the past week, I realize I am disappointed.

This past week, this past month, as I approached the one-year anniversary of Ed's passing, has been difficult.  All the memories of a year ago come flooding back as I relived the last days of Ed's life.  It has been a tough month with the culmination being this past week--the exact anniversary of his passing and his burial.

As I look back on the past week and how I was feeling, the word that comes to mind is "disappointed".

I am disappointed in the lack of acknowledgement both from family and friends.  In the lack of outreach.  What were people thinking?  That I didn't know?  That they were going to upset me?  I have spent a lot of time this past year in investing in relationships and friendships and most were not there for me this past week.  Could I have reached out to people and asked them to go to Ed's anniversary Mass with me or stop by my house and spend 10 minutes with me on Tuesday?  Yes, I could have.  But why do I need to ask?

There were the very few who did reach out, through a text or a card, and I appreciate that.  It just surprises me those who didn't.  Did they remember or have they already forgotten?  Or those I saw in person who didn't say a word.  What were they thinking?  Had they already forgotten or were they afraid of "reminding" me?

So I'm a bit disappointed and a bit sad because that one person I could count on, that one person who was always there for me no matter what, I no longer have.  That was Ed.  And I can only rely on myself to fill that void.

One Year Later

Today is the one-year anniversary of Ed's passing.  I'm not quite sure what I expected of today.  I took the day off from work.  Part of me contemplated taking yesterday off as well.  I had feared that Sunday evening into Monday, marking the day Ed passed might have been more difficult.  But I went to work and Monday was okay.  Last night I went out to dinner with an acquaintance--we haven't seen each other in a while--and it was fine.  I was afraid I'd be in a "mood," but I wasn't.  It was just a nice dinner out with good company.

This morning I went to 8 AM Mass.  Dan and I had it said for Ed.  I knew this was the perfect way to start this day and to honor and remember him.  Dan was working so he could not go with me.  I had contemplated asking someone to go with me but then thought better of it.  I'm a big girl and I need to do these types of things on my own.  And if someone shows up, great!  But otherwise, I'd be fine...and I was as I drove to the church.  When I arrived, my friend from choir, Brooke, was there.  She came for me, for Ed. She lost her husband last August, so she is one of those who "gets it."

Brooke and I then went to Kristina's for a light breakfast.  I had gone there with Anna on the anniversary of Bob's passing (again, after morning Mass) and I thought it would be nice to do that again today.  So we had a nice breakfast.  I then went to Stop & Shop to pickup some flowers for Ed's grave.  I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to get, but once I got there and saw what they had, I easily made up my mind.

Yes, I bought two bulb plants--daffodils and hyacinths.  I will keep them at the grave for a while and then I will find a place to plant them in our yard.  And I'm thinking this might be my tradition so that every spring as the bulbs come up and the flowers bloom, I will think of Ed and smile because he will be proud of the fact that I actually grew something and didn't kill it!

I spent about an hour at the cemetery.  I talked to Ed, I enjoyed the warm, spring air, and I sat and listened to Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" (which Dan and I had played at Ed's burial).  I said a couple prayers.  I cried.  I found I cried more than I did a year ago when we laid Ed to rest.  And then I told myself I needed to go be productive and not sit in the cemetery crying all day!

I spent the rest of the day working in the yard.  I find peace when I'm working in the yard.  It's hard, physical labor.  But it is what Ed always took care of and so now I take care of it and do the work to honor him.  To make him proud.

While working in the yard, my neighbor Charlene stopped and we chatted.  Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of her mother's passing.  She says it still hurts.  But still, 25 years later, she still takes the time to honor her mother and remember her on the anniversary of her death.  My feelings were mixed about this--that after 25 years, the day doesn't necessarily get any easier which is disappointing.  But at the same time, I'm comforted by the fact that I won't forget and that, after 25 years, I will still remember and Ed will still be as special 25 years from now as he is today.  I won't forget and that comforts me.

It was nice to talk to Charlene and as she pulled away and I went back to my raking, I smiled.  I have such nice neighbors.  During the day I received a couple texts and emails from a few special friends--those who have also lost loved ones.  And I was touched by the couple cards I received in the mail.  I appreciate that people remember and acknowledge this day.  More people who "get it."

Some people are afraid to say anything or bring it up, thinking it will remind me and upset me.  So instead they say nothing.  Lesson for today for these people:  Saying nothing is so much worse.  I remember every moment of every day what I have lost.  Not a moment passes when I don't think of Ed.  And every day I mourn my loss.  What has changed is that I have learned to function better and I may not cry as much when I talk about it (but there are moments when I might).  But don't think for one second that if you mention Ed's name or my loss, it is going to remind me and upset me.  I never forget.  That is what people who "get it" understand.  We never forget and that's a good thing because if we mourn and if we grieve our loss, it's because that person who has passed had an impact on our lives.  It meant something and they left a hole in our heart.  It means we miss them which in turn means they lived and loved.  What a wonderful thing.

As I write this post, the goldfinches have returned to the bird feeder.  And there are about 5 of them.  I jump up to get my camera and I sit and watch them.  And remember Ed with warmth in my heart.

I love you Ed and I will always remember and honor you on this day.

April 19th...A Painful Day

I'm not sure why I am hyper focusing on each day and everything that happened one year ago on this day.  I guess that's just how grief works with some people.  I can't seem to turn it off and so I find myself reliving the moments, the feelings, the pain.

• April 19th....my brother's birthday.  A birthday we will no longer celebrate together.
• April 19th....my sister-in-law's wedding anniversary.  An anniversary she can only celebrate in her memory.
• April 19th....2013....the day I signed the paperwork to officially put Ed on hospice.
• April 19th....2014....Holy Saturday.  The sadness of Good Friday lingers and we anticipate the resurrection of Christ, a joyous celebration.  
• April 19th....2014....A day to always remember and honor Michael.  A day to remember Mary and Billy's wedding day which marked the beginning of a marriage of unending love.  A day to remember a decision Ed and I made together, in union, a decision that put my love for him before anything else.

So maybe April 19th is a day about love...

Bits of Happiness

I seem to only post sad moments lately.  That is probably because the pain and grief is still very real.  I work hard to keep busy and ignore it.  But it's there and it usually wins in consuming my thoughts and emotions, especially in the evening as I sit alone or head to bed.  I still miss Ed so much.  The hurt is so deep.  And I still can't believe he's gone--that maybe what I've been experiencing for the past year really isn't real and at some point I'll wake up and Ed and Larry and Mike will all still be here.  For how can they all really be gone?  This is some kind of joke, right?  But it's not a joke.  It's my life.  How I wish I had my old life back--I was so blessed and I knew it and I didn't take it for granted.  But that still doesn't change anything.

I work hard to keep living.  It would be so easy to close down and shut the world out.  But Ed wouldn't want that and it's not fair to Dan either.  So each day I get up and I work hard to live life and try to be positive and take care of myself.

As I write this, a Goldfinch has arrived at the bird feeder outside the window.  And it's a bright yellow against the snow that fell last night.  And it makes me content.  Ed loved the birds and when they come to visit, it gives me peace.  Below are some pictures that represent some of the nice things in my life lately.  For the sun does shine more these days.  I recognize it, acknowledge it, and now want to share some of the brighter moments amongst this darkness.

On April 7th, Dan and I went to a Red Sox game.  We took the T in from his apartment and then I stayed overnight.  It was Ed who made sure Dan had a futon couch so he could have overnight guests.  Thank you Ed!

The tickets were my Christmas gift to Dan, well to both of us.  We had good seats and the rain held off.

From this past weekend.  Spring has arrived!

Ed planted all of these and I get to enjoy them.  Brings me such pleasure.

On April 6th, I ran a 5K in Hadley.  Has been 18 months since my last 5K.
I actually ran the entire course.  Special thanks to Cathy and Lexi for sharing the day with me!

The hibiscus is blooming again.  I've gotten much better at not killing plants!

The Goldfinch (and the snow!) from this morning.

Small pleasures; small bits of happiness peeking through the grief and sadness.  And when I try, I can recognize and appreciate it.  And find peace...

The Valley of Grief is Deep

It's difficult right now.  Each day I relive the events of a year ago.  What was happening this exact day a year ago?  It was a year ago that Ed and I agreed that we needed to change our goal from getting him home to him being without pain.  And any hope that we had that he would get better was no longer a reality.

I can't stop thinking how I've been alone in this house for over a year.  I cannot believe it's been a year--where did the time go?  What have I done in an entire year?  I have not made much progress is cleaning out Ed's things.  The golf club he got for Christmas before he passed still sits in the corner of the living room where he left it.  His clothes still fill the dressers and closets.  Yes, I've gotten rid of a few things, but not much.  But I know I'm not going anywhere and so there is no rush.  When it's time; when it feels right.

I fear this year mark as well.  It has been a year since I've held Ed's hand and felt his touch.  To kiss his lips and feel his hug.  And I fear I'll forgot that.  I have many photos that help me remember his smile and the contour of his face.  But how do I capture the images that only exist in my memory, for I fear the day when these images will fade.

Each day, each moment, right now is a mix of emotions and feelings.  I am touched by those who acknowledge this is a difficult time for me--that a year later the pain and hurt is still there.  At the same time, I am amazed that there are those who haven't a clue.  But then again, did I have any clue before I lost Ed?  No, so I credit those who have not experienced this level of loss, but somehow know that my grief is not gone and over.

I know I need to keep myself busy with tasks.  As I sat on the bedroom floor the other day, overwhelmed by the sadness and tears, I forced myself to go be productive.  To do something other than wallow in my grief.  And I will continue to do that this weekend.  I am thankful that the weather will be nice and I'll go outside and work in the yard.  I clearly remember that last year, spring was delayed in coming.  The days were cold and gray, which matched my mood.  And I was thankful for that.  A year ago today I was researching hospice options for Ed.  Today, I will work in the yard, and try to make Ed proud taking care of what he made and provided for me.

I honor the past, I push through the present, and I fear the future.  But every day as I awake, I thank God that I'm surviving.  I thank Ed for giving me the most beautiful 32 years of my life and giving me such love that it causes me to miss him so deeply.  I love the home we built together and I will work hard to maintain it and do him proud.  And I live on for Dan, for he is the best thing in the world to me; the best gift and legacy Ed could ever leave.  As I continue to move through this valley of grief, I will try to remind myself of these things.

It Happens Unexpectedly

I ran my first 5K in April 2012.  It was a goal I had set for myself.  A new challenge.  Something to try to accomplish before I turned 50.  A goal to help me exercise and be healthy.  I did respectable, finishing around 35 mins and Ed and Dan were there to cheer me on.

I ran my second 5K in October 2012.  This time it was to prove to myself the first 5K wasn't just a fluke and at the age of 50, I could still do it.   My goal was to run the entire course (no walking to catch my breath like I did on my first run).  I accomplished that goal and even bettered my time (around 32 mins).  And Ed and Dan were there to cheer me on and be there when I crossed the finish line.

I had signed up for another 5K in April 2013.  There was no new challenge other than this had become a good way to get in shape and work towards a goal.  Plus this was to support Hadley schools--so it was for a good cause.  I didn't run the 5K in April 2013, though, because that was when Ed was in the hospital.

So here I am a year later.  I've signed up for the 5K again in Hadley and it is this Sunday.  I've been running on my treadmill.  I had a pinched nerve that prevented me from running the past two weeks where I couldn't even walk fast.  But this week, I am back to running.  A bit slower, but at least I'm moving.

This morning it suddenly dawned on me that I will be alone on this run.  Ed won't be driving there, to cheer me on as I take off, or to cheer me on and congratulate me as I cross the finish line.  He was always there for me; always so supportive and encouraging.  And don't tell me he'll be there in spirit.  That is not the same thing.  So I will cross the finish line alone.  And once again, at unexpected times, these things suddenly dawn on me and the sadness and hurt and tears return.  More briefly than months earlier, but still there and still breaking my heart...

Another Void

The light was off last night.  My neighbor and friend Kay passed away Sunday evening.  Another friend, another part of my life, taken too early.  Another hole in my heart at an already difficult time as I relive all the events of a year ago.  Rest in peace my dear friend.  May God give your children strength as they deal with your passing.  For as I know all too well, as much as I grieve your loss, it is a hundred times more difficult for them.  I will miss you my dear friend.  Tell Ed I said hello and that I'm doing okay.

My Neighbor; My Friend

As I go to bed each evening, I look out my window and see your light on.  It comforts me to know you are there and at home.  You've lived next door for about 20 years.  Always there but not intrusive.  We watched our children grow up.  We were "good" neighbors; no fences between us.  In fact, we have a small path between the trees and shrubs so we can easily pass to each other's home.  You and Ed were always close.  Stopping to chat while working in the yard.  You would kibitz over what trees you might want to cut down between our properties or whatever other topic might come up.  You were there when we had the gas grill fire and Ed was burned.  And when Dan cut his foot, you were the one Ed called to come see if it needed stitches.  An added benefit of having an ER nurse living next door.  I remember how we laughed and enjoyed the evening when our neighbor Dave had his block party. We were good neighbors, watching each other's house when one of us went away.

And you were there when Ed's health declined to provide me with your medical opinion and advise.  And after he passed, it was you and I who stopped to chat when we were out in the yard working.  You gave me advise on when to plant grass seed and when to fertilize.  You shared your experience as a single woman taking care of a home by yourself.  You are older and wiser and a wealth of information and experience and you are my friend.

We have not talked much since your diagnosis.  Just short discussions about the snow, about the Winter Olympics, about how you have chosen hospice instead of an aggressive treatment plan.  I've delivered your paper and shoveled your walk several times, but your children are now there to care for you.  When I call, I speak to your daughter because you are unable to talk with me.

I think of you often and it breaks my heart that you will not be there when I'm out working in my yard when spring arrives.  We have become close this past year and why are you being taken away from me?  I am sad.  I am angry.  But I am still comforted each evening when I see the light on and know you are still there and with us.  But I fear and dread the evening when I will look out and the light will no longer shine.  For I know that day is coming soon and I will miss you, my dear friend and neighbor.  Why has death decided to come visit my family, friends, and neighbors.  I wish he would leave us alone.

Appreciating the day; appreciating new friends

As I sit here, looking out the window, some light snow flurries are falling.  It feels so peaceful.  I have clothed myself in Ed's clothes this morning.  A light pair of gray fleece pants; one of his gray, slightly tattered, henley shirts; his black sweatshirt; and even a pair of his Hanes socks.  They are comfortable and warm.  But today's project is to paint the bathroom so that's the primary reason.  I don't really have clothes that I can ruin with paint.  So Ed's clothes are double duty--providing me with comfort and wrapping me in his love while also not worrying if I get paint on them.

In all the years we were married, I remember painting two rooms with Ed--our living room and Dan's bedroom.  The rest he took care of.  He enjoyed it and my job was to stay out of his way.  It was a good deal.  Yesterday I figured out how to remove all the bathroom fixtures and even removed a molly screw that had been in the wall since we bought the house.  And aren't you impressed that I even know what a molly screw is?  Okay, I Googled that...and I Googled how to remove it from the wall.  Took some effort but I got it out.

My life is so pathetic now though because I get excited about spackling.  I guess it's not really so much about spackling but seeing how I can fix things and I can actually see the end result.  And my emotions extend to being proud of myself for figuring this stuff out to the opposite of the spectrum of being sad that I even need to do this.  Ed is supposed to be here to do these things.  Dammit!

Last night our Support group got together for dinner.  Although we no longer "meet" we do still get together for a potluck dinner every 4-6 weeks.  I am blessed by these new friends.  It's nice that we can enjoy a meal and play games and laugh together while also being able to share if we're sad, scared, or whatever the emotion may be.  We talk about our "progress" in terms of picking up the pieces that our loved ones left behind and we congratulate each other on our small accomplishments.  As we all have approached, or will be approaching, the one-year anniversary of the passing of our loved ones, we are there to support each other in non-judgmental ways.

We fear the future and cherish the past and we help each other take each day as it comes.  As we look back a year ago, none of us knew how our lives would have changed and we realize that we have no idea or control over what our lives will look like a year from now.  So we try to enjoy the moment and cherish each day.  For this life lesson we have all learned the hard way.  We enjoyed our time together last night and made plans for our next get together.  And we remain thankful for the special people in our lives.

And again, it makes me sad and thankful at the same time.  For a year ago, my best friend was Ed and the person I spent my time with was Ed.  But today, there are now 7 people that I didn't even know a year ago, who have become my friends and my support.  I appreciate and cherish them all but I would trade them in an instant to have Ed back and I know they would as well if they could have their loved one back.  But we can't and although it saddens me, I am thankful for them and hope as time marches on, we will be able to share and celebrate together some good in our lives.

Remembering Mike

And here we are...reliving every moment and every day of a year ago.  I have dreaded this approaching timeframe--the period of March-May when my life turned upside down.  The events that unfolded would change my life and throw me into a tailspin, throwing my entire life off course in ways that I could never have imagined.

Saturday, March 9th, 2013 was a sunny day and I look back at my blog, this blog, and how I shared a photo of the bloom on our Hibiscus.  It was bright and made me smile and was, to me, a sign that spring was coming soon.  Such a good day.  We were changing the clocks that evening and losing an hour, just like we'll do tonight, so I was looking forward to sleeping in, with Ed, and having a relaxing Sunday.

But the phone rang and awoke me and the shocking, unbelieveable voice of my sister said I needed to get to my mother's house.  My immediate reaction was something happened to my mother, but then she said Michael's name instead and I could not wrap my head around what in the world could possibly have happened.  I couldn't get dressed fast enough; I couldn't believe it.  And I remember Ed getting out of bed to go with me and I remember clearly telling him he didn't have to go.  He hadn't been feeling well and had been very tired, and I told him he should stay in bed.  But he didn't.  My loving husband who was always there for me, got dressed quickly and drove me to my mothers and stayed with us that day.

And this sticks out to me as well because it was clear he was struggling physically at that time and we naively thought it was temporary and we could work through it.   But, as we know, it wasn't temporary.  It was a battle that Ed was not going to win.

And so today I wonder what my brother was doing a year ago. Probably working--he loved his family at Mission Cantina--and that evening he shared a dinner with my mother like they've done so many times before.  And they laughed and had a "normal" day.

I will never understand why my brother was taken from us.  I am a logical person and so I try to find reasoning behind events.  We all know Ed had cancer and that he wasn't going to live to an old age.  However, he was doing so well and we continued to hold out hope that we would tame this beast.  And although we hadn't a clue at the time, cancer ended up taking Larry's life as well.  But there was nothing physically wrong with my brother.  He was here one moment, gone the next.  It was not a sudden accident.  How does a seemingly healthy person just drop dead from a massive heart attack? I know it happens all the time, but not to my brother, not to my family.

I don't get it and I know I never will.  What I do know is that my heart breaks that my brother is not here and he left my mother alone. They had a special relationship and us girls found comfort knowing Mike was there living with Mom in case she got herself into trouble (which she could easily do).  This was his role in our family and he was supposed to do this until the day she passed at a ripe, old age.  Mike was not supposed to die.

But he did.  And Ed's health continued to deteriorate from this point forward.  And so today and this weekend, I mourn Mike's passing.  I love you Mike, even when you were a pain in my butt!  You were and will always be my brother.  Thank you for reminding us to live each day as if it were our last, with no regrets.

Feeling Happy; Capture the Moment

So far today has been a good day and so I thought I better capture the moment before it's gone.

Today it warmed up outside and so I spent most of the day outdoors and I so enjoyed it.  Of course, since there's so much snow, there's not much I could do. But I putzed around.  I chopped any ice in the driveway and cut back some of the snowbanks.  I cleared a path to the propane tank and uncovered the hatchway (it was really annoying me that it was buried under 2 feet of snow).  I cleared snow at the bottom of all the down spouts.  It makes me smile to hear the water run down the spout because it means things are melting, including the ice dams and the solid ice that filled the gutters a week ago.  I filled the bird feeders which required walking through 3 feet of snow.  And I put the snow blower in the driveway so the sun would melt the ice build up.  And then I wiped it all down and sprayed it with some WD-40 (yes, Mom, I was listening).  And I even washed the windows in my car.  It's a beautiful day.  I'll soon be heading to 4 PM Mass which will be said for Ed today.  I hope the good feeling remains...

The snow blower sitting in the sunshine so the snow and ice in the auger will melt away!

Enough Snow Already!

I am so happy it's the weekend--what a week!  And it's hard to believe I just had such a nice three-day weekend with Dan.  The rest of the week was not as good.  Like so many people, I am so tired of this snow.  Tuesday I got home from work and decided I would go out and cleanup the several inches snow by quickly using the snow blower.  HA!  That didn't happen.  The snow blower kept stalling out when I tried to engage the auger (side note...how sad that I now even know what an "auger" is...that word was not part of my vocabulary a year ago).  After a little investigation I found there was ice build up.  So I spent who-knows-how-long chipping away at that and then finally was able to clean up the driveway.  I could tell there was still some ice because the snow was not throwing from the chute as far as it usually does, but it was good enough to get the driveway cleared.  I then shoveled off the decks and then I found myself in tears as I was finishing up.  The tears came for no particular reason other than the sheer frustration of the situation!

I kept telling myself I should be proud of the fact that I figured out what was wrong with the snow blower and I fixed it and I got the job done.  But I didn't want to be smart and strong.  I didn't want to even have to deal with this. And, of course, when it's 8 PM and I'm finally getting in after a long day at work and then spending 2 hours fixing the snow blower and cleaning up snow, I know my perspective and ability to reason is totally off.  It was late, I was tired, and so the tears came and I was mad at the world for having to even be in this situation.  I was sick and tired of the snow.  I was sick and tired of needing to figure things out myself.  I was sick and tired of needing to be outside in the cold until 8 PM.  I wanted Ed to take care of this.  I wanted to go back to the days when I would come home and Ed would already have everything cleaned up and he would be in the kitchen with dinner almost ready.  All I had to do was to come home, put on my pjs or sweats, and sit down to enjoy the dinner he prepared.  The most I had to do was dishes.  Oh the wonderful life I lived.

And I know I'm adjusting to the fact that this is not my life any more.  I appreciate how well taken care of I was and I know was blessed for many years.  And on one hand, I want to prove to the world that I'll step up and do what I need to.  But on the other hand, I don't want to be this person.  And my position on this changes day-to-day, moment-by-moment.

Of course, I was almost pushed over the edge again on Wednesday when, surprising to everyone, MORE SNOW fell during the day!  I had plans that night, plans I was looking forward to, but instead when I got home, I once again found myself clearing the driveway.  I got smarter, though, and used my hairdryer to clear up some of the remaining ice in the snow blower before I even tried to use it.  That only took about 15 mins and then the clean up when quickly.  And although I was planning to cleanup the driveway and still go out as planned, there was freezing rain and sleet falling, so I stayed home.  Of course, I then had a nice sheet of ice on the driveway in the morning...but there was no snow!!  And there were no tears that evening either.

But I will tell you I was so relieved there was no snow on Thursday and Friday evening.  I needed a break.  And as much as it upsets me and I'm getting tired, I realize so isn't everyone else.  So my loss of patience and tolerance has less to do with my grief but more to do with the weather.  We're all getting tired of this winter.

And so today, it will warm up and I will make sure my snow blower is all cleaned up and ready for the next storm...because I have confidence, there will be another storm.  And maybe I can deal with it without tears this time.  We'll see.  One thing I've learned is that I can't necessarily predict how I might react to a situation.  Frustration, grief, tears still come unexpectedly but I continue to move on...slowly....one foot in front of the other...day-by-day...

Blessings

It's another beautiful, albeit cold, Sunday morning.  There's a clear blue sky and the sun glistens on the fresh white snow.  As I sit in the warmth of the house, our home, enjoying a warm cup of coffee from our Keurig, I am contented.  The quiet and stillness of the house wrap me in peace this morning, not the emptiness that sometimes occur.  It could be that Dan's presence, upstairs still asleep, helps bring me this level of comfort and peace.  It doesn't matter, because I'll take it.

I look at the pictures I have of Ed in front of my computer, ones I look at every day.  And I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling.  Yes, I still miss him and I have and still feel that hole that is left in my heart.  But I look at him smiling and remember how much we loved and how much we enjoyed life together.  Yes, there's still an ache in my heart that rises to my throat, but no tears this morning.  Just missing him...

Friday night, Valentine's Day, I had a few women wid's over for dinner and a movie.  It is the first time I've ever entertained woman-friends in our home.  Ed was always my best friend and we spent time together or time with family or other couples.  I didn't have a group of "woman friends"... But now I do.  And I'm thankful for them because we're all "widows" (I still hate that word) and we get it.  We laugh together at our antics and the things we struggle with, and we share congratulations at the things we've mastered.  And we cry together as we recall our losses and the basic fact that we have to learn these new things.  We enjoy each other's company and support while at the same time wish we never met.  All-in-all, I am quite proud in how we celebrated Valentine's Day--with dinner and a movie, and valentine's and candy, and cookies and roses.  I am thankful for my new "wid" friends!

I came across Valentine cards Ed had given me.  And I reread them knowing that he had carefully picked them out based on the message they contained.  For Ed was a man of few words.  And although he would tell me often that he loved me, he was not one to try to verbalize the depth of his love.  He did this through his daily actions and through the cards he carefully chose for me.  So I as reread some of them on Friday, it warmed my heart because I know I was deeply loved and he thought the world of me.  How lucky was I!

While cleaning out a file, I also came across a small booklet that Ed had bought that he had given to Dan.  It was entitled "Did I Tell You?" by Elizabeth Knapp.  I remember Ed finding this in a little shop we were browsing in and he had no question that he was buying this for Dan.  Now this was significant because, as parents, any cards we bought Dan were usually ones that I picked out.  But Ed found this booklet and he had to buy it for Dan.  It brought tears to my eyes then as well.  Ed knew then that his time here on Earth was limited and this booklet said what he wanted to share with Dan.  He gave Dan the booklet back then and I'm sure at the time Dan was uncomfortable by the words conveyed and didn't know how to respond.  But it tucked it away as he usually did with these types of gifts.  I gave Dan the booklet again on Friday for Valentine's Day.  I know the words mean so much more to him today.  The expression of Ed's love for Dan to last for a lifetime.

Of course, my best Valentine's Day gift was Dan coming home.  And he brought me two flowering plants--one for home and one for my office.  Have I told you lately how thankful and blessed I am to have such a wonderful son?!  We've been enjoying our time together this weekend doing projects around the house.  We laugh knowing that Ed is either rolling his eyes at us, or shaking his head and going "what are the two of you doing?" and we're probably driving him crazy!

But these moments make me smile.  Just like my cup of warm coffee, the sunny, blue sky, and the bright white snow.  And Dan sleeping upstairs in our loving home.

An excerpt from "Did I Tell You?" by Elizabeth Knapp

Learning About Myself

I was just reading some of my recent posts and it seems I only post when I'm down or struggling and I told myself that I should write once in a while about some of the "good" things or "happy" times.  But as I sit here I realize, these are hard to see.  I find that I am functioning and moving through life.  Yes, there are what one would consider good moments and there are things that make me smile.  But overall happiness and the ability to say "yesterday was a 'good' day" still alludes me.

Yes, I find comfort and happiness in the sunny, blue sky that greeted me yesterday and today.  It is a beautiful day outside with the sun and snow (even though it is cold).  And I know I am blessed by the friends I've made and the friends and family who show their care for me.  I guess the fact that I can recognize these things means that I'm learning to adjust to this new life of mine.

I am thankful for my dear friends in the Supper Club and my new friends from the Bereavement Support Group.  I get together with each of these groups about every 4-6 weeks.  We usually share a meal and we talk for hours and we don't have to pretend.  We share how we're doing and support each other and it's okay to laugh and to cry and to hurt.  What sucks is our common loss and grief that brings us together.  But I am thankful for them all.

And I'm thankful for my job because it's a distraction and something that I can feel successful about and I will continue to work hard at it because Ed was always so proud of the work I did and the successes I had and so I will continue that until it's time to retire (which will be a while).

I am learning things each and every day and I know that's a good thing even though I hate it and would unlearn everything to have Ed back.  But since that's not an option, I need to continue to put one foot in front of the other and figure out this new life that I must live, day by day, alone.

I have learned that it is best for me to plan my meals for the week and cook on the weekends so I can have leftovers during the week.  Yes, I do cook.  Not as creative and as good as Ed, but I do follow recipes and some things don't turn out too bad.  I certainly miss the days of coming home from work and Ed being in the kitchen with dinner cooking (I was so spoiled).  But now I come home and reheat my leftovers and sit down for a meal.  And I've learned moderation because I do not like eating the same thing for 5 days in a row (another thing I've learned) and so cooking two small meals on the weekend gives me enough leftovers and some variety for the workweek.  Of course, don't take this to mean I enjoy cooking--not like Ed--this is just a necessity and I'd give it up in a heartbeat if I could!

I find a level of freedom in making some decisions and choices all on my own.  I go where I want, when I want; I buy what I want, I do what I want around the house.  Ed and I easily agreed on all of these things, but when you live with another person, you need to be considerate of that person--whether it was Ed or Dan or both.  But as much as I hate living alone, I do recognize some of the freedoms it has afforded me.  Like licking the spoon I'm using to make dinner or eating ice cream right out of the container, or controlling the remote!

I've also learned that I obsess over some things--like clearing the driveway of snow (I think I obsessed about mowing and raking too).  The other day, about a half inch of snow fell after we cleaned up the 10-12" and I left it.  I was so proud of myself...drove right over it!  It was okay to let it go--NOT!  I was out there yesterday cleaning it up and it took me 2 hours instead of the 1 hour it would have taken if I cleaned it up before I drove over it.  This reminded me of father--he would have us kids outside clearing the driveway down to the pavement as well and I thought he was nuts.  Like what difference did it make?  So maybe I get some of this obsessiveness from him?

I'm learning lots of different things about myself.  I still miss Ed with every fiber of my being.  But I have learned to be grateful for the love and time we had together.  For there are many who never find such deep love and so I know and recognize how lucky I am to have had that and to share that for over 30 years.

For that I will always be grateful...