Bits of Happiness

I seem to only post sad moments lately.  That is probably because the pain and grief is still very real.  I work hard to keep busy and ignore it.  But it's there and it usually wins in consuming my thoughts and emotions, especially in the evening as I sit alone or head to bed.  I still miss Ed so much.  The hurt is so deep.  And I still can't believe he's gone--that maybe what I've been experiencing for the past year really isn't real and at some point I'll wake up and Ed and Larry and Mike will all still be here.  For how can they all really be gone?  This is some kind of joke, right?  But it's not a joke.  It's my life.  How I wish I had my old life back--I was so blessed and I knew it and I didn't take it for granted.  But that still doesn't change anything.

I work hard to keep living.  It would be so easy to close down and shut the world out.  But Ed wouldn't want that and it's not fair to Dan either.  So each day I get up and I work hard to live life and try to be positive and take care of myself.

As I write this, a Goldfinch has arrived at the bird feeder outside the window.  And it's a bright yellow against the snow that fell last night.  And it makes me content.  Ed loved the birds and when they come to visit, it gives me peace.  Below are some pictures that represent some of the nice things in my life lately.  For the sun does shine more these days.  I recognize it, acknowledge it, and now want to share some of the brighter moments amongst this darkness.

On April 7th, Dan and I went to a Red Sox game.  We took the T in from his apartment and then I stayed overnight.  It was Ed who made sure Dan had a futon couch so he could have overnight guests.  Thank you Ed!

The tickets were my Christmas gift to Dan, well to both of us.  We had good seats and the rain held off.

From this past weekend.  Spring has arrived!

Ed planted all of these and I get to enjoy them.  Brings me such pleasure.

On April 6th, I ran a 5K in Hadley.  Has been 18 months since my last 5K.
I actually ran the entire course.  Special thanks to Cathy and Lexi for sharing the day with me!

The hibiscus is blooming again.  I've gotten much better at not killing plants!

The Goldfinch (and the snow!) from this morning.

Small pleasures; small bits of happiness peeking through the grief and sadness.  And when I try, I can recognize and appreciate it.  And find peace...