Disappointed

As I analyze my feelings from the past week, I realize I am disappointed.

This past week, this past month, as I approached the one-year anniversary of Ed's passing, has been difficult.  All the memories of a year ago come flooding back as I relived the last days of Ed's life.  It has been a tough month with the culmination being this past week--the exact anniversary of his passing and his burial.

As I look back on the past week and how I was feeling, the word that comes to mind is "disappointed".

I am disappointed in the lack of acknowledgement both from family and friends.  In the lack of outreach.  What were people thinking?  That I didn't know?  That they were going to upset me?  I have spent a lot of time this past year in investing in relationships and friendships and most were not there for me this past week.  Could I have reached out to people and asked them to go to Ed's anniversary Mass with me or stop by my house and spend 10 minutes with me on Tuesday?  Yes, I could have.  But why do I need to ask?

There were the very few who did reach out, through a text or a card, and I appreciate that.  It just surprises me those who didn't.  Did they remember or have they already forgotten?  Or those I saw in person who didn't say a word.  What were they thinking?  Had they already forgotten or were they afraid of "reminding" me?

So I'm a bit disappointed and a bit sad because that one person I could count on, that one person who was always there for me no matter what, I no longer have.  That was Ed.  And I can only rely on myself to fill that void.